A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i would like to get a credit card but i dont want my husband to know, hes a bit controling.... even though we share a bank account or at least i think we do..... would he be alerted if i got one or used it? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (17 March 2012):
 I strongly suggest you take a look at the links Abella posted for how to get help. This is not an issue of credit cards but of your husband denying your right to autonomy. You are not a slave, you have the right to be in control of your own life. That means having privacy, not being afraid that so much as having your own bank account and financial independence will have consequences. Simply because it is you who does the bulk of childcare (and are therefore unable to have a regular job) does not mean he has the right to treat you like his slave.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes, he doesnt have that... but i have tried to file for credit cards online..... terrafied that he would find out but idk what my credit is i think it no credit.... because only able to get prepaid.. useless to me i have no money and if i did how could i load the card w/out him finding out anyone know of a site that can help
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male
reader, honestman  +, writes (16 March 2012):
Please read the following article completely
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder
Do you work? If not, try having an activity that gives you some kind of income, even if it's not much.
Now, 50 cents seems to cheap for me... If your husband matches with what is written on wikipedia, then there might be problems.
My girlfriend haves a father that have not given her any cent for the last 5 years i've been in a relationship with her. I have been paying her expenses all this time. His father does not let her go outside his house, and have not allowed my GF to work at all. HE is very controlling, not just with her, but with her sister and her mother.
His father is a textbook narcissist, and wants to always be the one in power, the one that brings money to the house.
He never allowed his wife to study. She is a 24-hour free maid.
I strongly suggest you get the credit card in case your husband turns to be a narcissist. Also get any kind of job. Don't let him control you by owning the money. It takes two for a tango, and the same thing applies to a marriage. Set your limits. Your babies deserve a candy from time to time.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (13 March 2012):
 I am a great believer in asking the Baker if I want bread and the Candle stick maker if I want candles.
So please check out the network site I listed below in one of my previous answers.
And then go to the right official people in your state who can direct you to the right agency in your state to get your husband to properly support you and the children.
I think the time is over to be thinking
what you can't do. But instead focus on
what you can do. You need better support now and you need it followed through officially by the proper officials in your state.
There will be answers you will not like sometimes. But each person does their best.
You are being financially abused and this is unacceptable.
Your husband is not listening to you. So you need to get official support in your state from the people with State backing to get support from your husbamd.
You are the one who now need to put your situation down in writing and take this account of the real situation, NOT to your selfish husband, but instead to the proper officials who can provide the klout to get this moving in the right direction.
Good luck with this
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionif i go to his mother or sister about anything not only are they gossips but they tell him everything i say or do. cant trust him
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (12 March 2012):
 How about his family? Does he have a mother or some sisters that you can talk to?
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (12 March 2012):
I got a casual way with words and I'm mean. I say things to hurt because I want you to realise how serious your situation is. I don't want you to pretend that everything is all right, because you know it's not. I know you love this man and I know your not going to leave. There are probably many nice things about him that you love. But this money thing is not right and it could be dangerous. As a mum, you have to find some way to fight to get what you need. That is what mum's do. I know your frightened and don't want to upset him, but this can't go on, you can't sneak and plan against your husband, you need to talk with him about the money, you need to be brave.
You might be the kind of woman who spends money stupidly, I don't know you, maybe your husband doesn't trust you with money. But even bloody children get pocket money. If he gave you a small amount of money, you could save it, or you could buy sweets for the kids (waste of money, rots their teeth) or you could plan to buy some clothes, or a bra (necessary for women).... I don't know, I don't care what you do with the money, even if he is poor, everyone needs a couple of pounds in their pocket.
Sit down with him, tell him about the clothes needs (don't mention the sweets) ask for a weekly budget, ALL housewives should get this, some even get ALL of the man's wages and they give him back a small allowance for tobacco or beer money.
If he says he can't afford, ask him to give you his wage slip and the bills and you will work out a budget and see what the household can cut down on and what you can do without. Maybe he's the one with no money and so he never has any. Maybe if you suggest sorting out the finances the money situation will improve. If things are so bad, maybe he needs to think about you getting a part-time job for a little while to help out.
Make sure you get him to give you money weekly. Later on, maybe when the kids are older, you can start thinking about a little job, for your own growth and independence. You are an adult, he is your husband not a prison warden. Sit him down and talk like two adults about your money situation and what you both can do to make it better. Don't cry, men hate that, just talk to him firmly and calmly about what you and the children need.
~Good luck.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (12 March 2012):
Although you and your spouse are together it does not mean that your spouse can evade responsibilities to provide adequate financial support for his children.
It seems to me that you do deserve access to a better network of local people who can provide you with the information and the support you need. Please see the links at the end of this post.
There are federal laws in place to ensure that children are adequately supported. Sure there can be reasons why a spouse cannot pay support - losing a job, illness, bankruptcy, in jail, all manner of reasons.
For instance: “The Child Support Recovery Act (CSRA) of 1992 granted the power to recover child support from parents or a parents through the State Court Systems”. Following on from that the “Deadbeat parents Punishment Act of 1988” makes it an offence to try to evade paying child support payments.
And beyond that a spouse can find their name entered on to the Deadbeat Dad List. These are not a toothless tiger array of laws. These problems of lack of child support exist everywhere, hence the laws to cover it.
The penalties on a parent refusing to pay child support are severe. And there are various ways that this money is collected, even a garnishee on the wages of the reluctant parent. Tracking a parent does continue across state lines, so leaving the state will not protect an unwilling parent.
A spouse earning money and with parental responsibilities has a responsibility under federal law to provide for the children in an adequate way.
I am not sure if the Deadbeat Dad Law applies to a custodial parent. But I am sure there is a way to encourage a reluctant custodial spouse to see sense.
Some people are completely reluctant to accept that it does cost money to bring up children.
Though we should never think that showering our children with all manner of toys, clothes, money and treats will make the children love us more.
Children still need some limits imposed so that they too learn to respect how much effort goes into earning a dollar and how little time it takes to waste a dollar on useless things.
Here are the links in order of relevance to you.
http://www.fsnnc.org/
- please seek support from a network like this in your area. Similar networks exist all over the country.
And, heaven forbid, if you do ever need to access more support as a single parent then recognise that such support exists because it is validly needed to support people in genuine need.
http://www.singleparentcenter.net/single-parenting/single-parent-grants.html
And never think that welfare is a bad word. Welfare exists because it is needed and it represents a tiny tiny amount of the overall national budget allocated to all manner of things. Who accesses welfare may surprise you. As evidenced by the details below
http://www.apa.org/pi/women/programs/poverty/welfare-to-work.aspx
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionim not saying i want to spoil them id like to be able to get them something 1 or twice a month or so, and im all for hand me downs they dont need new new things, my hole point is id like to care for my kids more. i want there life to be better and so far it isnt happening. and he does have the money, he makes 800-1100 and his bills total to 1500 a month im not asking for a poket full just a mesly 20 or 35. like i said i dnt mind used clothes i shoped at value village,salvation army,craigslist. my daughter is good on clothes she has a older family members hand me downs but my son he needs clothes. and baby shampoo and just much need basic material.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (12 March 2012):
Has your husband ever revealed the actual amount (gross) that he earns and the real income (after tax)
Does he allow you to see the actual utility bills? Does he share the budget with you.
These are normal things any spouse should and MUST share with a spouse.
Is it that there is a spare bucket of money?
or is it that there is far less to spend than you think there is?
I can understand why you want the very very best for your children. We all want that.
And I have no doubt that your growing children do need new shoes and clothing from time to time, on a REGULAR basis. Children really do never stop growing.
If money is much tighter than your husband is revealing then there may be a need for some spending restraint. If your husband is finding it really hard to balance the books then he may be finding it a considerable strain to endure.
But children do not always need new things. When I was young we always received hand-me-down clothing from other relatives. I never knew what it was like to have new clothing purchased for me. And in fact did not enjoy new clothing until I was working myself.
Even today I see no problem checking out recycled clothing. (isn't it lovely how we re-name things in different generations)
I find new children's clothing far too expensive. So it is good that I learnt to sew.
Only because we both work and I am always time poor do I now buy more clothing than I sew. But there is no shame in reclycled clothing.
And I can recall I used to have one pair of new shoes bought for me every six months - and repaired in between. Those shoes had to make do for all occasions. (the origin of my love of new shoes no doubt)
Did it harm me? No, I think it taught me values to know that I could not have everything I would have liked. it was also the start of teaching me patience (a work in progress still)
I grew up never being envious of others and I am so glad that I never feal envy nor jealousy even today.
If you purchase recylced clothing and your spouse is unhappy about it then there is the perfect opportunity to demonstrate that you are already saving money on the clothing. KEEP ALL YOUR RECEIPTS.
Your aim being to prove how hard you are trying to accomodate his unreasonable demands.
And with the right attitude buying recycled clothing can become an advanture and a fun outing with the children permitted, for instance, to choose two items each and no more, on each visit.
This also teaches your children self control.
Your husband is a control freak, yes. He is unrealistic about the cost of bringing up children.
But hasten slowly and he may well realize the error of his ways. Otherwise my next post may help you more.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni would like to be able to get my children stuff... they maybe out growning there clothes but they are not in rags. i would love to work even if its at bk (luv bk lol) cuz i know the money i make will go to my kids.... do you know what its like to have your babies look at you to by them a lolly pop and you have to look at your husband for permission to 50cents! its horrable, seeing there little faces break w/ disappointment im tierd of disappointing my babies i want them to be proud of me i want to be able to walk in a store and hand my babies something and see there faces light up my children deserve the best and i feel like such a shity mom i feel like... (i cry thinking about it) do i even deserve being a mom? someone whoes scared to stick up to her husband some one who is 23 and so shy she cant emagine being on her own. i dont know what to do my relationship who can i talk to.... how can i get help w/ my own self to help my children?
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (11 March 2012):
if the credit card was issued in your name then they would go after you for the money. And if you could not pay it could affect your credit rating in the future.
And it could allow him to label you with negatives and that would not be nice.
Take the high road and find legal ways to shame him into properly supporting you and the children.
Or start selling things you no longer need
on ebay
But this issue has to be resolved openly - but you may need outside support to face him
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (11 March 2012):
Try to ask him for an weekly allowance, that would be a start, make it small, but make him give it to you regularly nag and nag and give him headache, just make sure you get it every single week. Details have been given about how to get a credit/debit card. How you will manage to pay back any money you get, I have no idea. You say your not allowed to work and your husband gives you no money, then how are you going to manage to pay for a credit card?
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (11 March 2012):
you have been aware of the money issues in your relationship for some time. So if sharing it here helped you clarify in your mind ways to tackle the money issue then all power to you.
A post paid credit card (as opposed to a pre paid credit card will result in a bill. And a bill of a size that could quickly get out of hand.
Were you planning to use such a card and then present him with the fait accompli of a bill he had to pay? That is likely to up the tension in the relationship.
And although a pre-paid credit card may bother you - on the basis if you had the cash then you would spend the cash on
the children now. So lack of cash is possibly a problem in the first place.
So all this suggests that you need (and you are aware of this) to work on the relationship.
I guess the only other option is to not pay cash for anything where you can ask them to send an account - choose things where he has to have it too.
So there is a tradesman in the home - ask that an account be sent in to the home in your husband's name.
And if you do purchase anything with cash he has allowed - and then you return the item - then ask for the refund in cash - and you keep the cash. And keep that to yourself.
But ultimately your husband has to come into the 21st century and allow a more equitable approach to sharing the family finances.
And that may require some outside counselling for him to realize this truth.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionif i was able to get one would they take the money out of his account,or go after him because we are married?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni know i need to work on my relationship w/ my husband, and i will and no my mom & sisters are in alaska so its just you all to talk to... my children, are great kids livily smart funny wounderful. they will not grow up to be beggers. i asked for advice not judgement of my childrens future.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 March 2012):
You can get a prepaid Debit Card which can be used a lot like a CC (Visa for instance make them)
https://gold.accountnow.com/secure/shortapp.aspx?pcode=Cg002Sgs72&gclid=COeq8ZmC3a4CFWYZQgoduD8PXw
However, I think you ought to address the issues in your marriage as the priority over getting a CC for shopping online.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (10 March 2012):
Instead of a credit card you need a divorce. Your husband is being mentally abusive. He sounds like he's basically trying to keep you prisoner in 1940. You are not his domestic slave, you an individual human being who deserves to make her own money and have her own life. You need to speak to a lawyer about how to get out of there before extremely controlling turns into physical abuse.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (10 March 2012):
You have bigger problems than a credit card if you husband won't let you earn money, won't let give you any money and you and your kids are wearing rags.This is domestic abuse, you are practically a slave. What would you do if one day he decided not to buy any food? You have no money, you and your kids would have to starve. You are young, living life like this will eventually destroy you and your kids. You really should think about leaving him or getting some help from someone else.Please contact a helpline for abused women. It's the 21st century and your in America, how the hell can you a 20year old woman live without money? Your situation is crazy, and I can't believe that you sit there and think it's normal. Don't you have friends and family to talk to.LEAVE HIM, before your stuck in the house and are never seen again. People will soon start to notice when you and your kids walk around looking shabby and your kids grow up and start to steal and beg.LEAVE HIM!!!! You are not a slave! Your better off leaving him and asking the government for help. The domestic violence people will tell you how to go safely, and they'll help you get a lawyer to sue him for all the money he is keeping from you. http://www.thehotline.org/
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (10 March 2012):
Hi, you don't need aa credit card, you need an Attorney.
And the end of day whatever you purchase will eventually have to be fully paid for.
Your husband as the sole breadwinner has a responsibility to provide for his children and you.
You need a set amount for household expenes AND a separate amount for your own discretionay spending, or spend?
But the available credit? The money will need to be paid one day..
Or spend it very quickly each time you receive it and be back to where you are now, but with a big .
I suggest you seek to some legal advice please? On how to xreac
Regards
Abella
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni would like to get the card because right now my husbands money greedy, he dosent want me working and i have no car so..... id like the card to shop online for my children whiles hes off blowin money on speakers and street bikes and a new car i would like to by my son some much needed baby cloths.... and my daughter some shoes that actully fit! and me talk about needed a bra. p.s if you live in nc and have boy cloths or know some1 plz i could really use them my 11m is having to where 6m and newborn thank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni have talked to him, he keeps putting it off. we have or childs birthday coming up and hes acting like he doesnt have the money after i invited everyone and started making planes.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (10 March 2012):
there is another type of 'credit card' where you load it up with a set amount of money in advance. And reload it as required. So it operates from then on as a debit card.
And you pay for things using the card, but the card does not then impose additional interest charges.
This would mean that no accounts would ever arrive home. And you could never get into financial difficulty with this type of card.
If you do apply for credit card then the providor will want to see evidence that you have an income source sufficient to service any debt incurred.
Are there other difficulties beyond your controlling spouse that have motivated you to take this step? You husband should not see the family wealth as his alone to manaage and decide how it is spent.
You do have rights too.
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female
reader, Blonde68 +, writes (10 March 2012):
No he wouldnt be alerted. However, before you go out and get one, ensure you can afford to pay for it because if you are short of money now, with him being finanically controlling, how are you possibily going to find the money to pay off the card?
Instead of getting yourself into debt, which is likely to happen if you don't have much money of your own, talk to him and tell him how you feel.
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