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I want to find the right way to tell him about being unfaithful to him....

Tagged as: Big Questions, Cheating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 November 2010) 2 Answers - (Newest, 16 November 2010)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

My friend recommended with site to me, so here I am, I hope you can provide me with some advice.

I cheated on my boyfriend and don't know how to tell him so he'll listen to me. Please read through the back story before making any ideas of how to answer.

My boyfriend and I have been together for four years. More than two years ago we went through a rough patch where he was emotionally unfaithful and not there for me. I thought it was because we were transitioning from a long distance relationship to one that was not and that was just how he was adjusting. Not too long after, I discovered, he spent hours talking to an old female friend and set up dates behind my back to hang out with her. I don't know how long exactly they spent talking on a regular basis but I know my boyfriend was secretive about the few times he spent time with her from the start of our relationship (he never mentioned her once to me after we began dating).

I find out because my boyfriend is an idiot and leaves his schedule open on my computer. His schedule so blatantly stated that X female would be staying over with him (alone) for the holiday weekend. Might I add that his schedule also includes details of what he does after (i.e. keeps food/exercise logs, activities logs, places he went) so he pretty much screwed himself with that part, I got a semi detailed account of the day.

When I found out about their clandestine meetings I was, of course, extremely distraught and angry. I was rash with my decision to confront him mainly because we had had plans that weekend to spend the holiday away with his parents and then just a few days before he cancels. So I confront him with a question that he can have no good answer for since I know the truth and it of course ends bad. With me yelling and telling him we're over but eventually end up in a diner taking things over... end of story for now with his part.

To this day I don't know and honestly trust what he has told me about what happened.

Flash-forward to the days/weeks following this incident and I am very detached from the relationship and am questioning why I am with him since (at the time) I don't trust him. Long story short, summer is about to begin and I am spending time with some friends who are going off to college and I spend time with a guy (who I'll call guy B) I once liked. Normally, I don't think it is a good idea for anyone to spend lots of time with an ex when they are emotionally confused but I had a relationship with this person when we were 14- four years prior to what was going on then. Somehow, Guy B and I hit it off. Even though we only made out a few times, Guy B was what helped me be emotionally stable when I was dealing with something that was more than difficult.

At the time this happened, I don't know why I didn't break up with my ex before. I probably wanted to be vengeful and hurt him or thought doing that would make it easier to breakup, but I was so emotionally compromised and distraught that I can't remember.

Currently, things have been great and our problems in the past have helped make up stronger, but I want to tell my boyfriend (you know, guilt? eats you up). The only problem is, I have tried before and he literally hasn't taken me serious. I then become afraid of him leaving me if he doesn't want to work through these old problems. I really want to find the right way to tell him. Also, in what ways do you think I can tell him why I did it without coming off as placing the blame on him since in the end it is my fault even if he had hurt me. What do I do?

please help...

-confused

View related questions: cheated on my boyfriend, long distance, my ex

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom +, writes (16 November 2010):

I think that you're not reading into your boyfriend's actions as much as you need to be here. Ultimately, there is no right way of you being able to tell him. You just say it, and hope for the best. And this is where I think you need to step back a bit and look at what your boyfriend is saying. You have already tried to tell him, yet he hasn't taken it seriously.

That's odd. If a man even doubted for a second, he'd ask everything. And to me, there are only two explanations, both coming down to the same thing. Either he already knows, and just wants to let it go, or he doesn't want to know the truth and is happy.

I think your boyfriend and you are in a good place now. I think you both know the truth, even if he doesn't seem to have accepted it. You have told him, and he's brushed it aside. What he is saying, is that he knows but doesn't want to hear it. He's happy as it is, and doesn't want it to go wrong. He hasn't left, and both of you have worked hard to try and make a go of it. It seems to be working.

This time, I don't think you need to tell him. I think he understands something happened, and I don't think he wants to know anything else, or hear of it. Forgive yourself, and let it go.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010):

First to you. Where does this very lame idea come from that ANY guy is better as your boyfriend, than NO guy, when the guy in question cheats?

And why sink to his level?

It's not guilt, its nasty bitter revenge that leads to people wanting to rub their partners nose into the nasty fact that they cheated.

It serves no positive reason to tell about your cheating. It will end in nastiness and bitter remarks that you dont need.

Just end the relationship with some grace and dignity. Your unfaithfulness does not need to be discussed.

Nor do you need to provide excuses for ending the relationship.

Your relationship is in major trouble anyway. It has run its course.

Both of you have been unfaithful

Your boyfriend left his schedule open on your computer because he wanted you to find out. Not very nice. For that he should have been dropped then.

Where does this lame idea come from that ANY guy is better than no guy? When the guy is regularly cheating? He's already on the scrapheap in my book. Move on. Couples really in love, and meant for each other, do NOT cheat.

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