A
female
age
36-40,
*osycheeks
writes:Hey, I'm almost 28 and really would like to have confidence that the next boyfriend I choose will be right. How do I find out early on when dating, if a guy is right for me. I want to be able to make sound judgements early in, before I get in deep and fall in love. Do you question their actions more? why do you do a b and c? Some people don't like to express things early on. If they don't like to express things do you set time limits?I am a very loyal and honest person. I am, I'd say got a healthy self esteem, generally very friendly and confident, and highly self motivated. I love options and opportunites and grab all that I can in life. My friends describe me as mature and level headed. SO I guess I am doing O.K. yeah I have slips here and there but I'm still relatively young and learn every year more about myself.In the case of a bf I tend to get to know someone and observe them for a bit before I date them, usually within friendship circles and I usually let them chase, so I know they put in a bit of extra effort for me. I haven't fallen in love many times, only twice. Most guys I date seem to flake on me very early, play mind games, or get too serious etc. But my previous serious boyfriend sabotaged the 4 year relationship with jealousy, and he fully accepts it we are still friends. Not buddies, but still 'get' eachother. I think he knows me the best even to this day. Then Spent almost 2 years single and loved it.Then last summer I began to fall in love, over a year long relationship, and i really felt a wow factor this could be it. he was also very opposite to my previous boyfriend, the things i *wished my previous bf had* this new bf had. things like appreciating good food, good with finance, well cultured, sophisticated, and the most amazing sex life ive had with a boyfriend.. but lacked a gd sense of humour and good communication skills. these are the two things the previous ex nailed very well, we laughed a lot and talked out all our problems.However the first boyfriend also had an amazing social circle of friends, and i felt like i lost a family of friends when we separated. With the new guy his friends were still very immature minded, which took a lot of patience for me to fit in and accept. Which they all took really well to me as his gf. The second boyfriend really challenged me and opened me up to new things, and always challenged my reasoning. I felt like he offered good advice. Very intelligent. But unfortunately the communication on "us" lacked.. and over time it felt like a massive guessing game, and I was too on edge and began to lose it and lost trust in us,(because of a handful of reasons) I raised it to him, but we wasn't able to deal with the issues in a confidant way and didn't really do a good enough job to help me get back on track. And at the point of a year, I felt I had to leave, i was losing my sanity and stressing more than was healthy.wow we parted on the back of a heated discussion. Hes very stubborn and proud. I have gone away and taken a good look at my own actions and learned how to improve my own communication skills for the next guy. How to be very precise, and nip things in the bud when they rise rather than second guess myself (but i guess that came about as a result of his closed personality etc.But still I learned very valuable skills.But almost 2 months on, I'm still hurt and think about him every day. Good and bad things. I talk with friends and remind myself of all the reasons I had to walk.I guess I really want to avoid getting involved with the wrong guy for me again. Perhaps it was that I really needed to know myself some more?But I am very introspective and feel I know myself better than a majority. Yet things 'seem' to work out like magic for them? A guy that is devoted to making it work.A lot of my friends are also single, i'm not even searching, I just want to know how to pick a guy thats right for me to save myself all this effort, hurt and pain again? How do all your successful relationships form??Part of me still wants my last ex back. He really did touch me. I just don't feel he was open and honest enough for me. I don't think he was cheating, i just couldn't deal with the guessing games. It felt like an intense game of chess, each waiting for eachother to make their move and figuring out why. When all we(he) needed to do was talk. I didn't want to play.Sorry this is long. I'm doing a lot of soul searching ......and I know a lot of you in the forum have heaps of experience :-)
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confidence, immature, jealous, self esteem, sex life Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (17 September 2012):
 If life was that easy, we'd all live happily ever after :)
My advice, find someone who loves you for WHO you are. Someone YOU can be yourself with - someone who can be himself with you as well.
I would also say having things in common can help. Morals, values, spirituality can help as well.
Take the time to get to know a guy and I don't mean through texting, FB or phone. I mean go out, hang out. And stay away from sex til you know how you both feel about what's going on.
Above all, don't be afraid of life or mistakes.
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