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anonymous
writes: My husband and I have pretty much had problems since day one. In fact, probably since before we were even married. Right now he's off in Iraq (don't worry, his job isn't anything remotely dangerous), and I feel like I like my life better without him around. I don't want to be married to him anymore, but it's not like I can just go and get us a divorce while he's serving in Iraq. I already feel selfish enough. To put the icing on the cake, I have really fallen for a male friend of mine. I always had feelings for him, but my husband was around then and nothing came of it. Now my friend and I have been hanging out just the two of us and my feelings for him are definately growing. I'm head over heels, but I'm already married, to a man I don't even want to be married to anymore! I have tried to work on things with my husband, but he is not willing to make the effort. I've pretty much given up on that. Plus, I'm definately not attracted to my husband anymore. Me and my friend, we get along so well, and I'm most certainly attracted to him. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a cheater, and I would never cheat. I just don't know what to do. I'm married to a man I don't want anymore, but there's nothing I can do while he's in Iraq; and I want the man I can't have because I'm married! It's confusing and frustrating. What should I do? It's breaking my heart. Thanks for reading.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know it's been forever but maybe some of you who responded to this question will see this followup. I did actually divorced my husband just a few months after posting that question. I have been divorced for about a year now, and I have actually started finally dating the male friend I was so attracted to. I just thought I'd come back and read this, and boy does it seem strange now. I am so much happier since leaving my husband. Thank you to everyone who wrote to me!
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (19 September 2007):
 That is a good choice. I'm glad to hear you didn't get physical with he other guy. Remember if things work out with your husband, he must never know about this. It would haunt him forever and he'd feel like a chump. He would also never believe nothing happened.
It was your conscience that lead you to write this question and that is good. It is very important to get this other man out of your life. You will not be able to focus on the marriage if he's around.
Good luck.
eddie
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree, Eddie. I guess I didn't really see where you were coming from. I told my friend how I felt, since he didn't already know. We talked about it for a long time. Basically, what we covered was that I am a married woman and there's nothing that can be done about that right now, and both of us would never cheat or be the person to cheat with. I guess maybe my feelings about wanting to divorce my husband were a little influenced by my feelings for this other man. I've decided that I have to give my husband a chance to sort of redeem himself before I make a heavy decision like divorce. If everything is still bad a while after he's come back, then I'm done, but, things still could get better. Things with my male friend are pretty much over before they even began. I'm hurt, but, I guess better me than my husband for now. So, I am where I am, and it will remain that way, at least until my husband has a chance to make things better. Thank you, again, everyone.
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reader, eddie +, writes (18 September 2007):
I respectfully say to you that although everyone has different values, some values are not worth much. Values that cause pain, harm and suffering are not really valuable. If something has value, it is a positive, it's worth something. An action that causes harm, based on negativity is not a value, it's valueless. When you are in a marriage, you owe your allegiance to that concept. It's better to end one thing before starting another. You can't so that now but you still can tell your husband your plans before it goes too far.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to all those who responded. To answer some of your questions, yes, this other man feels the same way back but he is not pressuring me by any means, and, yes, I would still feel the same way towards my husband regardless of this other man. I certainly don't plan to jump into a relationship with him or anything like that, I just have feelings for him that were confusing the hell out of me. The two are separate concerns of mine. I've decided to take brokenshadow's advice and be separated from my husband. I want to give him the chance to experience "single life" and decide which he likes better because I do believe my husband is still not exactly ready to be married. To eddie I say, I completely understand where you're coming from, but everyone has different values, and you can't push your own on other people. My values differ from yours. I don't believe that I have done anything wrong. And when I tell my husband we are separated, he can do whatever he wants to without worry, and I won't ask any questions. Same goes for me. This really isn't a quick-fix simple excuse to go after this other guy or anything. I really do want my husband to be single and think about whether he's really ready to be married. Because if he decides he doesn't want to be single and he wants to be with me still, then I would hope that he would make the adjustments he needs to make and make the effort to remain married to me. See what I'm getting at? It's decision-making time. Anyways, this is getting lengthy. Thanks again to everyone who responded. I really appreciate all your input.
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reader, i might be a girl but i can help  +, writes (18 September 2007):
 the way i see it do what you think is best. But consider this does your friend feel the same way. and the only reason why your feelings have grown stronger now is because your husband is in iraq. When he does get back tell him i know you have had it tough in iraq but i want some effect from you i feel like there is nothing between us anymore, so its either get help or a doviroce. There must of been something you fell for when you was with him try and remember that.
But if you are really not that happy leave him, but what are you going to do if your friend just wants to be friends are you going to think did you do the right for by leaving your husband.
just think long and hard a bout it first ok
good luck xxx
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reader, eddie +, writes (18 September 2007):
First of all, realize that you are cheating. You are cheating emotionally because you're a married woman and choosing to put yourself in a position of "dating" a person you're calling a "friend". He's not a friend, get that straight. He's a man you desire.
Because your husband is far away, you can not work on the relationship. You also said he won't try. I wonder though how hard you'd try. You said you always had feelings for the other guy. It's hard to try when you have feelings for the other guy and you're telling yourself he can be your friend.
Do they right thing. If you're not going to honor you're marriage, then end it. Don't continue to cheat though. When is your husband coming home? You understand that no matter what, if you act on this while he's away, you'll be seen as the vilian...forever.
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reader, Lilli b +, writes (18 September 2007):
 I agree with most of what has been said. What I find encouraging about your attitude is that nowhere within your dilemma have you mentioned how the other man feels. Too many people consider other people when making decisions.
I think what you need to ask yourself is - if this friend is not likely to be a new partner would I still want to leave my husband? In other words, is your unhappiness with your husband generated in part by the attraction you feel for your friend? So long as you can answer truthfully to yourself that even if this other man was not in the picture you still feel like you are living a lie and an unhappy one at that with your husband then you know that you are going to have to leave him. But if your desire to be out of your marriage is linked in and even dependent on starting the new relationship then you may need to step back. After all, at times, even in happy marriages something different can look very attractive.
You say that you would feel selfish to end the relationship whilst your husband is in Iraq. You need to question, once again, does your fear of being selfish come from worrying about what other people will think or is it part of deeply held beliefs and core values that are part of you. If your core values say it is the wrong thing to do then I fear that this will gnaw at you, make you unhappy and possibly even impact on your new relationship. If you are worried for other reasons then don't - selfishness is underrated. Remember the advice when flying - always take oxygen for yourself before your child as you can't take care of them if you haven't looked after yourself first.
Just be true to yourself and make sure that you behave in a way that sits comfortably with your core values and is neither dependent on anyone else nor dependent on the new relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2007): You deserve to be happy. Before you do anything though ask yourself have you done everything can to fix your marriage (try to make it better) If not you should before you give up. The grass always looks greener on the other side until you get there.
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reader, kindone  +, writes (18 September 2007):
 follow your heart do it for you do it or him don't string him along. divorce him and start fresh just make sure you heart is truly in it with the new man before you get remarried.
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reader, brokenshadow +, writes (18 September 2007):
 I think you should tell him you want to seperate. That way even though you're legaly married, you are both in agreement verbaly that the marriage is over, and should something happen between you and this other man, you won't feel guilty. Now does this other man have the same feelings for you? Are you having less feelings for your husband because of this other man? Don't leave your husband for another man, leave your husband because you're unhappy. And jumping into another relationship off the bat isn't good either. Take your time. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do want to get a divorce, but the thing is is that my husband is away in Iraq. I can't do that while he's away. How terrible would I be if I did that? The problem is what to do right now. I'm crazy for this guy. I've thought of just telling my husband that I want a separation for now. But do I have to get papers and stuff for that? The man is in Iraq, it's not like he can sign anything. What now? I feel like an idiot. Thanks for helping out, guys.
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female
reader, beautifultrustnlover +, writes (18 September 2007):
 honey,
your not selfish you haved tried and you just want to be happy.
i think you should put space between you and your friend for the time being.
as for the divorce you should do what makes you happy!
like possible getting your own place or at least filing for something maybe not divorce but sep. would be good for now
i know its confussing and frustrating for you
but its something your going thru like it or not so level on the stress its not good for you but you see you shouldnt take something you dont want
leaving your husban if you feel its right isnt the worst thing
be careful and good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2007): If you do not love your husband and your in love with someone else and you dont want to work things out with your husband, you need to tell your husband that your not happy and you want a divorce. Take it from someone who knows. Dont stay and be misrable because the outcome is going to be the same divorce. You owe him the same respect that you would want the next time you talk to him tell him. I promise it will make you feel a whole lot better.
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