A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years. we love each other alot. I would really like to settle down soon and maybe think of having children. But I dont feel like we want the same things. I asked my boyfriend if he wanted to move in with me a year ago and he said he wasn't ready so i left it. hes never mentioned it since. the other day i asked him when did he think we would get married and he got angry and said i always talk about stuff like that and i shouldn't. he also says he doesnt want children for a while. he said everything will happen when it happens. But i feel i cant live like that, i like to know my future and make plans. I want more committment and want to live with him. but he has no interest in it. he says hes too young to settle down. he admitted it scared him and felt i was pressurising him into it which i dnt want to do. i do love him so should i wait for him? or are we not right for each other? some days i think il be ok, but other days it eats me up inside knowing that i cant have the things i want.
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female
reader, PerhapsNot  +, writes (25 January 2012):
 I second the opinion of So Very Confused. I know it's hard to understand why men willingly stay with women, who they never intend to marry, but they do. He may love you to some extent, but if isn't willing to move in together or get married, it just means that he doesn't love you as much as you love him. You're not the woman that inspires him to take the plunge; you're not the woman that makes him want to settle down.Your situation is pretty common. There are many great women, who end up wasting their best years, waiting for commitment. I suggest you move on, but I have a feeling you won't opt for that route, or you would have done so by now. Make a deadline for yourself: I am willing to wait this amount of time and if he still doesn't want what I want, I am leaving. And actually do it.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 January 2012):
 I would not wait for him. After 4 years he would know if you are his special one.
"I don't want to get married" is code for "I dont' want to get married TO YOU"
I have seen it a zillion times... Man is 40 years old.. does not believe in marriage... has NEVER married. either breaks up with the gf or has a gf break up with him due to lack of commitment and weeks or months later meets someone and a year later is MARRIED....
My fiance is 38 and when we started seeing each other a bit over a year ago he swore up and down right and left that he was NEVER EVER getting married. Marriage was stupid and not needed and he saw no reason for it. Guess who's getting married this year? BECAUSE HE WANTS IT..... not me.
I'm sorry but I doubt he will ever want to marry you.
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A
male
reader, eek +, writes (25 January 2012):
 4 years is long enough to expect a certain level of commitment in a relationship. Is he still is not ready after this amount of time he might never be!
You need to have a conversation with him and find out what you both want from your lives and from your relationship then go from there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2012): When you are young - or even older - for some people it can feel very inauthentic to plan a future because they just want everything to remain quite innocent, fun and childlike. Some people stay like this all of their lives and some - usually those with plenty of money - manage to keep something of that innocence. Sometimes men even pay out for their female partner to be able to have a relatively innocent and carefree life, because it gives them pleasure to do so.Other people see planning and structuring a life as a necessity for enjoying life and for making sure that you can build and develop many different aspects of life in ways that are rewarding, rather than aimlessly floundering and never really knowing where you are.As a female, I used to be like the former. I found the thought of planning or trying to track down a suitable mate really repulsive - I somehow had an abhorrence towards becoming what I felt was a manipulative kind of woman, and that we should just let people be what they want to be. It probably came from having a super-controlling mother and father - I didn't want to impose that on to anyone.I met and fell in love with a commitment 'phobe who adored me because I never pressured him to plan anything with me. As time went on, however, he became very difficult to be with - I grew up and started wanting a bit of structure, whereas he just wanted to be out having fun with his mates. He is now 38 and I was with him since he was 20. I've completely changed my opinion now and don't see structuring a relationship or even thinking before-hand about what you want from someone as bad traits - I think these things are healthy. So I would say to you, don't get caught in the trap that I did - I should have realised, about 3 or four years down the line like you are, that my boyfriend would never properly commit to me. I laid a trap for myself and I regret it. It is not wrong for you to want what you want. For him, maybe he is too young, but maybe he is one of these guys that will never 'grow up' like my ex - only time will tell - but really it makes no difference to you - four years is more than enough for a guy to commit properly to you - I really feel that this is a 'benchmark' time where a relationship either goes onto the next stage or flounders along or stops. I kept waiting and the relationship floundered along for way too long, but I'd strongly recommend that you stop yours. Imagine what it would feel like after say, a year of being with a guy, for him to turn and say to you "honey, I love you and I want to do x,y, and z with you so that we can have a happy life together". The guy that you're with is not gonna say that, but someone else will...just don't waste years hanging around to realise this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2012): you can't make someone want what you want when they don't. How would you like it if he was making you want what he wants, which is essentially what he's also trying to do too.he's telling you that you shouldn't be thinking about marriage and kids now. well does that make you no longer want marriage and kids? of course not. You still want that, maybe even more.similarly, if you tell him he should want marriage and kids, do you think it will make him want it? Of course not. and if he's feeling that way, then he's not the guy for you.maybe in 10-20 years time he'll want marriage and kids, some people just take that long or longer and sometimes only when their life experiences change them then do they change their feelings. Or, and I hate to say this, maybe you just aren't the right woman for him that makes him want to get married. you shouldn't wait around indefinitely to see if and when he changes his mind. If you want to get married pretty soon, you shouldn't waste anymore time on this guy you should find someone else who is also looking to settle down fairly soon.
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A
male
reader, SonOfMan  +, writes (25 January 2012):
 I was exactly the same as your boyfriend and it was part of the reason why my relationship ended. My ex wanted to settle down, move in together, get married and start a family.
Personally, I guess I wasn't ready mentally. I guess some people are like that. Do i regret it? Yes. But, with all things in life, it's better that you come to the realization that you are maybe not compatible than make a commitment that you can't stick to; which can cause more problems in the long run.
You have every right to ask for those things. It shows maturity and the willingness to settle down. You need to sit down with him and be open about it and perhaps give him time to decide what he wants to do. Find out why he doesn't want the same things you do. Does it scare him to commit? Does he have other plans? Study, work etc? Does he truly want to settle with you or does he want the sense of freedom to talk to other women?
Both of you should decide what's best for each other in the long term and what will make you happy.
I had to face the fact that my girlfriend wanted different things to me and it wasn't possible for us to take the relationship to that place. Hence why it ended. Now I am in a much better place and she is too.
You have to be open about it and it can be very tough. You really have to be ready for those life commitments and find someone who can at least try to be with you in your journey.
If he is willing to make changes and want what you want, then great. If not you have to consider the possibility of making changes to better your life. For the sake of your happiness personal development.
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