A
male
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:ok so my wife and i are 20 and our son will be 1 on july 12th we got married march 27, 2008. we have always had a very intimate relationship. but within the past 5 months she just doesn't seem interested in me anymore. i have asked her why she doesn't have any interest in me anymore and her only excuse is that she is tired i have tried everything from not even touching her or saying anthing about sex to her all the way to being agresive and letting her know that i want sex or some sort of intimacy, i have tried canle lit dinner followed by a warm scented bath with rose peddals and peddals leading to the bed... didn't work! but i have noticed that she is wanting to go out with friends more often, and my wife has never ever ever been a social person. i have been telling her to get some friends and go out with them and have some fun for a long time now. but now that she has acctually listened to me it seems like she doesn't want to be intimate with me at all. i just worry that the new friends she has might be other guys, that she is cheating on me. she tells me that i need to back off and stop wanting sex all the time. but how can i know when she wants it and when she doesnt if she never shows any affection or initiates anything. i just feel like im in a tight spot here and need help i want her to acctually desire me again. plz comment Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, celiaaletta +, writes (11 July 2009):
Keep standing up to her. Her behavior speaks volumes. I fail to see a faithful wife and loving mother.
I see a girl who can't live up to her responsibilities and is looking for a way out.
She has a child, yes, so? You work. She works. You raise your child together. By the sounds of it, you are raising your child more than she. She's too tired. She wants to party.
If you behave in the manner that you do (allow her time to go out, etc. etc. without so much as becoming jealous), then you, I'm afraid, are too good for her.
If she is unwilling to work this out, I suggest you separate from her. Do NOT remain with her for your child's sake. From personal experience, divorced and happy parents are better than married and miserable parents.
Good luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2009): ok thanks for all the feedback. like celiaaletta said she started this when she started to hang out with friends, and by no means do i smother her. i let her have her space and let her have fun. but on the other hand she has always been a really jelouse person and she won't let me do anything with the guys. and all my friends are married so im not gonna be around single women. and as for the tired part she works from 445am to 145pm so yea she is tired but she naps right when she gets home because we have for lack of a better word trained our son to nap at that time so she gets an extra 3 hours of sleep along with going to bed at 7pm so i dont see how tired is a problem or me smothering her and as i said before we have romantic times and i dont just go through all of that just to get in her pants. and i only ask or try maybe 2 times a week and both are no right now i am going on 3 weeks without and its just got me worried. about 3 months ago i tried backing off and not asking for sex or even trying and that did absolutely nothing just made me go without for about a month and a half. and as for the responcibility of being a parent being too much for her she is the one that purposfully stopped taking birth control so that we would have a child together. but i love my son and my wife very much and i just don't want to loose her and i feel like i have tried everything i have even gotten strait to the point and asked if she was cheating and oooooman did that piss her off. but in my career i am trained to notice little things like people not looking at you when they lie or get angry to try and persuade you that they didn't do it. and there have been some iffy moments when i knew she was lieing like when i ask her why she isnt intimate with me anymore and she tells me she doesn't know or she is tired i know she is lieing. most people will kinda twitch thier neck and not really make eye contact or when they do they look away really fast. just somthing i find alittle curious.
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A
female
reader, laura585 +, writes (10 July 2009):
She is young (as are you) and has a child. I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that she is cheating- maybe she just feels a little trapped by the whole situation. Why not get a sitter so the both of you can go out and enjoy your youth! Do this often (but not too often, obviously since you are parents) maybe she just forgot the reasons she loves you. Have fun with her, remind her that you're young too and want to have fun- with her. Reminding her that yall can have fun together might very possibly remind her that she is attracted to you, and why she got with you in the first place. Don't take away her "me time" completely then she might feel smothered- you deserve some "me time" too. I know a married couple who 1 Friday the husband watches the kids, while wife goes with friends, next Friday they go out together, next Friday wife watches kids so husband can go out with "the boys" and next Friday is family time and etc. Seems to work well for them! Just a suggestion- good luck!
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A
male
reader, dddddddd  +, writes (10 July 2009):
From the sounds of it you have already tried everything that everyone here has suggested so really all you can do is talk to her and observe her and try and work out what the issue is that prevents her from being intimate. Perhaps she does want to but not as often as you. As stupid as it sounds sometimes people back off altogether as they are worried their partner will want it more and more if they make the effort.
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A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries  +, writes (10 July 2009):
 well she probably wants to go out with her friends now because she's still young she's 20 i'm 20 and i'm not a go out person but depends on the people you go with.
she's got a child she's tied down she's gonig to want to get out there now she's been looking after you and the baby she just wants to let her hair down.
if you keep asking for sex and things like this then you'll push her away into another mans arms.
let her hang out with her friends let her have a night out or two let her chill out and have some fun.
it's going to be tough looking after a one year old and i'm not saying you don't help out but maybe she'd like to go out now she realises she's got responsibilities she does want to have a bit more of a life than she did before perhaps she feels she took it all for grantid and now wants to live her life a bit more.
she'll not desert you but let her have some fun and things will seem alot better she'll become more relaxed.
i mean you've tried to be romantic but maybe she is feeling a bit stuck i mean like i've said i'm 20 years old i've not got a boyfriend or husband or child but she has a husband and a child he has BIG responsibilities and she maybe wants to just forget that for a few hours just go out and forget she's got a family at home.
i guess all you can do is give her that and hope for the best.
Hope this helps.
x ilovebowsandcherries x :)
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A
female
reader, Ginalolabridga + ♥, writes (10 July 2009):
 I could understand her being tired a 1 yr old is very demanding but as the other poster mentioned she is not so tired she avoids her friends too?
You have told her how you feel she knows their is a problem with intimacy and if she is not wanting to be intimate through fear of getting pregnant again then she has to rethink her contraception.
If that is not the case and you feel she has just found a new freedom with friends away from you i can also understand her wanting me time but not to the extent she is ignoring you and your needs.
Marriages, intimacy, and love all have to be worked at if you ignore them things will get worse so i am glad you at least have recognised there is a problem here, if she continues to ignore you and the issues i feel you have no alternative to tell her how bad things are you cant be expected to do without love in a marriage you would be better off as just friends then!
Talk this over in greater detail with her and see if she will listen to reason emphasise how important these issues are to you and to your marriage long term.
Gina
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2009): This makes no sense at all. My first guess would've been depression with the tiredness, but if she is hanging out with friends she can't be that depressed? Maybe she is tired from going out with friends so much. Other issues could be that she rushed into this marriage because of pregnancy and is now interested in other people.My advice is this: Remain calm and cool. Acting possessive over her having friends or being pushy will push her away. If you can afford it get a detective. Lack of sexual interest doesn't ALWAYS mean that the other person is cheating, but they could be.
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A
female
reader, celiaaletta +, writes (10 July 2009):
You are a very understanding and helpful husband - what a lucky woman!She fails to realize the lengths you have gone to. This is completely wrong on her part.She began to essentially avoid you once she began going out with her friends, right? Or did you notice any signs prior to that?She may very well be feeling "stuck." She's 20 years old with a husband and child. She may be, as selfish as this is, looking to party. To have fun. To forget her responsibilities. Her behaviour is completely unfair to you. She should manage her responsibilities and relationship to you more appropriately. More maturely. You need to make her aware of the pain she's causing you. It will only escalate if you don't bring it to light. Perhaps suggest marriage counselling.Good luck, you're a good individual.
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