A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear CupidWell, I think I would like to hear if anyone has been in a similar situation like me and how they decided...I am in a very happy and stable relationship and it is save to say that this is it for both of us. We are both 32. There is just this one thing, i want children an he, well to quote him "you are the first one I could imagine having children with but on the other hand, if we never had them, I wouldn't miss a thing". He fears that he won't have enough patience with them. And he thinks that he will not have enough time to spend with them as he often has to take work home. But the other day we were talking about names and which ones we like for our children, so I guess I am just confused. Sometimes catch myself thinking if I should leave him and find someone else, but I love him way to much. And that would break us both so this isn't an option, but I couldn't imagine a life without children either. Do you have any ideas what goes through his mind? Quiet frankly any pointers to how I should handle this situation would be appreciated. Thanks
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (11 May 2011):
 I thought of something else as well. Like your boyfriend, and mishmash said, when you get worried about all the "what if's" you might try and come to terms with it not happening at all.
Playing hobby shrink here, it could be that his reason for saying he would be fine without children is that he is ultimately thinking he will be a terrible dad, won't succeed, he is scared, or thinking maybe no one truly wants children with him. So he doesn't want to get his hopes up, and so has come to terms with it being ok if it never happens. Even if, deep down, having children is what he truly wants. He's just too scared to fail at it.
Im saying this because my boyfriend thought the same about relationships. Well, until he and I became a couple that is. Until then, he didn't try out relationships, thinking he wasn't cut out for one, no one would want him and so on. And even if at times he'd have wanted a relationship, he just started to think that he "chose" to not have one. Because that sort of made it all right, since then it wasn't him failing at relationships, it was him choosing to not have one and be ok with not having one.
When he realized I actually was interested that mindset was quickly changed. So, could it be that the way my boyfriend used to think about relationships, is the same way your boyfriend thinks about becoming a father? That maybe originally he wants children, but he doesn't think he'll make it, and so he makes the decision not to have children to make it feel better and not like failure.
In other words, lack of confidence and being scared of failure?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2011): I hope you get more male answers, but I often find myself having the same ambivalent thoughts about having kids as your boyfriend. I worry what sort of mom I would be, IF I would be good enough, IF I would have enough time to be a good mother and work at a career that I love. What would happen IF my partner left me or I had to leave my parnters, would I be able to support the kids solo? SO many potential "if"s.
Sometimes, it feels like I have barely enough time and money to take care of myself...the idea of being wholly responsible for someone else for the next 20 years seems impossible.
Then there are the known facts of having kids. If you are in a stable happy relationship as you say, you know that having kids WILL change the dynamic of your relationship as well as your personal stability. He will get less of your attention and you will get less of his. These are huge risks for anyone to accept.
So how do I deal with all these doubts and risks? I've thoroughly prepared myself and accepted the fact that I might NOT have children. And like your boyfriend, I tell myself, I wouldn't miss a thing if it didn't happen.
And at the same time, I enjoy picking out baby names for my nieces and nephews. I love playing with babies. I'm just reluctant to sign up for the life-long commitment of raising one.
I doubt his ambivalence is a screen for something else. I doubt there are any other ideas going through his head apart from what he's told you. It's liking hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. He can like the idea of children and then not want to commit to the idea of having his own.
After all, you have an ambivalent feeling too...you can't imaging a life without children, yet you love a man who doesn't seem to want them.
If you have doubts about continuing the relationship because you really want to have children though, I would admit these feeling to him. If you're 32, then you only have a couples years left before you can have your own children. Like Honeypie says, you have to decide if this is a deal breaker or not. But I have to say, what are the chances of forming another stable relationship with someone who wants to have kids within 3 years?
There are really only two options if you want kids and this relationship:
1) Wait till he is ready and adopt if you happen to be too old to have your own.
2) Tell him you want children and you will do it independantly if he doesn't want to be a father...move out and find a sperm donor. This might provoke him to change his mind.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (11 May 2011):
To have or not have children is a deal breaker to me as well. You said you can't imagine a life without. Then, as blunt as it is, you need to tell him that. You need children in your life, as that is an experience you do not want to miss out on in life. To be a mother. To care for a child of your own. That is special, and you want it. If he doesn't want to share that experience with you, as much as you love him, you will have to leave him and find a man who wants the same as you do.
You and him could still be friends. But you want more than a boyfriend, you want a family. He's either in or out.
What goes through his mind? Probably exactly what he's telling you, he's not super eager on the idea, but doesn't recent it either. So he's in between and doesn't know. Perhaps it is time you say that it is now or never! Besides, if you only want one child you can tell him that if the first one is a horrible experience for him you don't need to have more...
Dad's tend to drop dead over their first born and their love for their child washes away all doubts in the world. The trick is not if he'll be a good dad or not (because as concerned as he seems to be I am thinking he will be a good dad), the trick is to get him to take a chance at life. Some are scared of taking the big leap.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (11 May 2011):
 We can't say what's going on in his mind, you'll have to ask him straight out. And just like Honey said, you have to be on the same page on the decision to have children. A woman who wants children and is denied that will harbor a huge resentment later in life.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 May 2011):
 Well either he want children or he doesn't. For me that would be a deal breaker. IF I WANTED children and my partner didn't. When it comes to having kids you KIND of have to be on the same page.
Talk to him and ask for a straight answer.
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