A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am about to get married again to a chap who already has children. I am in my early 40's and really want another child before it is too late. My fiance says his days of young children are over and that I must choose between him and being with a man who wants a child as he just does not want one. He has made it clear and not wavered in his decision. I have told him that I feel that he doesn't love me as much as his previous lovers as he was happy to have children with them. He says that he is too old - he is only 43, too tired and it is too dangerous at my age. I obviously disagree. This is pulling me apart as I am beginning to feel resentful of him and sadly of his existing children. Any views would be great.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your responses. My particular view is that if he can have children with other women then why not me. It makes me feel unloved and unwanted and not as good as the mothers of his children. When we discuss this which we do often and well he always says that he is too old, I am too old and that he could not deal with a disabled child, he doesn't want to share me, he loves me for me and doesn't need the unit adding to and that he point blank does not want anymore. I have told him 43 is not too old that many men are starting on their second families at this age but he is not interested. You are right it is a deal breaker because i now cannot bear the thought of living with his existing children or doing anything for them as i am not having my feelings taken into consideration in any way. Thank you all for your views.
A
male
reader, daletom  +, writes (8 May 2009):
Biologically and socially it's probably quite OK to have kids. In the U.S, many in the "baby boom" generation didn't even start families until they were well into their 30's, and were over 40 when the last kid was born. Read the thread "When is a woman too old to have a baby?" at http://www.dearcupid.org/question/when-is-a-woman-too-old-to-have.html .
But . . . I firmly believe the general topic of "children" is one of those things you need to have basic agreement on before you get married. If you REALLY want a kid, and he's dead-set against it, I see a major problem right from the start of your marriage. (And no, "living together" won't cause it to work itself out. That only gives you two an excuse to evade the subject and deny the basic conflict.)
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2009): It doesn't mean he loves you less, and actually at your age, there do tend to be more pregnancy complication. You just have to do what he said. He gave you an ultimatum. He probably waants to be able to retire and live his older years out without having kids in the house. I honestly wouldn't want new kids at his age either.
Just hurry and decide before you get married. I'm sorry to say, it just doesn't sound like you're going to be able to change his mind. He can't change the past, but it is relieving for him to have control over the future.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (7 May 2009):
 This is a deal buster issue. You have no choice but to move on, your resentment will only grow.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2009): You say that this man has children by previous lovers and that you are now to be married, that sounds like he has been less than careful in the past.
As you are to marry it would seem that despite the children his relationships did not survive so where does that leave you both?
It is the usual way that once we reach our forties we are given a little freedom back to live life without the constant worry of children and the various issues associated with them, this in turn gives us the freedom to enjoy time with each other.
If you want a child for this man to prove he loves you then you are not certain of a whole lot more than how he feels.
A lasting relationship should be based upon how you are together and how you feel toward each other when you are together.
A child is not proof of love, a persons actions toward you are.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2009): Hi! - Firstly, I must say its nice to see someone in their 40s still wanting to have a child.
My partner is currently in jail but desperately wants a child when he is released and I will be 40+ when he is out! Therefore, I wondered if it was still safe and possible to do so.
It seems a shame you both can't agree on this - but if you continue to disagree - one of you will end up leaving sooner or later. If you desperately want a child you must decide what is more important to you - a child or your partner.
Has your fiance considered that you could accidently get pregnant anyway? Wherever there is sex there is a chance of pregnancy!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2009): You'd better believe it when he says he doesn't want any more children. I was glad to see the back of mine before I reached 40 and there's no way I would have wanted to go through all that performance again.
If he says he loves you he most likely does, but the two of you have a fundamental difference of opinion which isn't going to change.
Better that you break it off sooner rather than later and find a man who wants children - this one clearly does not, and I doubt that he would come round to your way of thinking at any time in the future. You won't blackmail him into giving in by bringing up previous lovers and their children either, but you will drive a very big wedge between you.
Think very carefully about what you want for the future - it's either him and no more children or someone else who wants some. Absolutely black or white in my view.
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