A
female
age
16-17,
*xloopyloo123xx
writes:Hey, i feel so strange, im in college at the moment, in my last year. me and my best mate are both in serious relationships, she always says how she would never have a baby at this age and she thinks its stupid, however, i would do anything to be pregnant and be a mother. i have been feeling this for about a year and a half now. im not sure what to do, ive talked to my boyfriend and he says that he would love to but wait until we move in together. the only thing is that it gets me down, i have 2 nieces, a one year old and a four month year old, and i am totally love them, whenever im with them i can just picture myself doing it full time, i would really love a child of my own, what do you think i should do?
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female
reader, miss d +, writes (21 October 2009):
 hi
im going to say dont do it im 18 and have a 1 year old child i have bin with my partner since i was 15 and its hard i have lost all my friedns cause they wanna go out partying wen i cant my partner works full time and i stay at home with my baby . and you myt think you will live happily ever after but it dont work like that me and my partner are struggling alot we argue wen we see each other which is hardly ever cause he is working all the time to pay the bills . just trust me live your life a lil first and wile your young cause once you have a child your social life goes down the pan , more wen you younger as yoiur friends dont wanna be sittin in with there friends and there baby wen they could be out doing something fun . so maybe just wait a few years and maybe get a puppy it might keep your need down a lil bit as its like a baby you have to look after it a hell of a lot xx
A
female
reader, satindesire  +, writes (19 October 2009):
 Wow, -SEVEN- kids, ML?!
My hat's off to you. I can't imagine ever getting pregnant again. It's my seventh week so I'm going to get back on the Depo Provera shot today (just started my first period today) and my husband and I are going to use condoms for the next month until it's pretty safe to have intercourse again.
Seven kids. Man. One's hard enough. You have so much respect for me right now.
Birth control just isn't your cuppa, is it?
If I ever got pregnant again, I just...man. My pregnancy was so hard I'd probably go off the deep end knowing I might have to go through that again.
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female
reader, marriedlady + ♥, writes (19 October 2009):
 Satin Desire is exactly right. I have 7 kids. I was married and on birth control. I was 17. I thought i was mature enough. My parents kept foster children and i loved babies and kids. I have now spent 63 months hung over a toilet. I have bought and changed more than 25,000 diapers. I had 'easy' labor and delivery with 6 of them. 2 slept all night from the beginning. 1 of them was a nightmare!!! She cried and screamed inconsonsolably from 5 to 8 EVERY evening. All but one was conceived while on birth control... So i accepted the responsibility. Yes i love every one of them. But...last year we fed and clothed and schooled the 5 still at home on an income of $12,000. The failing economy has hit us hard. This year has been even worse. For you to take a chance on any of that right now would be a mistake. Twins? What then? Furthermore its NOT just for 18 years. You worry about them from now on.. You may not listen to us and that is your right, but i hope that you give this a few more years. For your sake..as well as your potential childs.
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A
male
reader, heartfullalove  + ♥, writes (19 October 2009):
 You sound like a potentially excellent mother, insofar as you love the company of kids and 'can just picture myself doing it full time, i would really love a child of my own'.
Great. So you want to be a mother. By all means, aspire to become one at some point in your life when you're actually able to care for one properly. At 15-16, for all the reasons outlined by the other aunts (brilliantly in quite a few cases) it isn't even a runner for the next few years.
I'm not implying that, if you had a kid tomorrow, you'd be anything less than 100% dedicated to its well-being. But, without ever having met you, I can state as fact there's just no way on Earth you're cut out for it now. Four or five years down the line, it may be different.
Also keep in mind that, if and when you do get pregnant - which I'm almost certain you will, hopefully not for a few years yet - it shouldn't be done out of a need for company, to fill any void, or give yourself some 'purpose' in life that you feel is otherwise missing.
Also bear in mind that two parents are, if not inherently morally 'better' than one, certainly more capable of effectively sharing the duties/privileges that go with the whole adventure.
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male
reader, q1605 +, writes (19 October 2009):
 Satinedesire. I read about being pregnant and it doesn't seem all that bad to me. I sat outside in the waiting room while a friend's wife went through labor and child birth and I didn't notice any of that crap you went on about.
Satin very carefully read this next part and take it to heart. LOL That means I am joking. I can not fathom what it must be like.
greg290352 I think you are a nice guy but I just don't think this person has a clue what she is getting into. They say age is just a number. Maybe so but her number is too small.
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male
reader, q1605 +, writes (19 October 2009):
It's not a judgment call. It's a think about what you do before you do it. Because this is one of those after you take this plunge there is no where to go but through it. No way around it. No refunds no returns. I didn't say one thing about morals. Who said she is seventeen I don't think she is in college. She may be. Maybe not. Her biggest accomplishment to date seems to be paying her way through driving school. All I am saying is don't have a kid until you are done being one. Period.
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female
reader, satindesire +, writes (19 October 2009):
You don't want to be a mother.
What you want is someone to love you unconditionally, forever.
I don't know if your parents don't love you enough, or don't give you enough attention. I don't know if you don't fit in at school, or if your relationship with your boyfriend isn't going right.
But let me tell you this: A BABY IS NOT A BAND AID FOR YOUR LIFE.
It will not 'fix' you, it will not make you feel less lonely. It will not make your life easier, and it will not make you feel more loved.
A baby is not a trend, or a fashion accessory. A baby is not a toy, or a cuddly doll. A baby is a living, breathing human being with a soul, who for the first sixteen or seventeen years of it's life, will be 100% totally dependent on YOU for it's EVERY SINGLE NEED.
I am 25 years old. I am married to the love of my life, who is 27 and I have been with for about 4 years now. Our relationship is wonderful, and we are both truly in love with each other. My parents are wonderful people, still married and still getting along. I did not have a bad childhood, so I have no problems in my life that I felt needed a 'fix'. Having a child was MINE and MY HUSBAND'S CHOICE. We planned it 100% and tried for nearly 2 years to get pregnant.
We are both college graduates, own our own -very large- home in a good neighborhood, and own two vehicles. He works as the IT Executive Administrator for a very large company and makes very good money. Now bear with me, because I'm not bragging. I'm telling you these things because I have a point I will make in a moment.
So, again, we tried for almost two years to get pregnant. Once I got pregnant, I was deathly ill for the first five months. I couldn't even hold down water and was puking about 10-15 times or more, a day, every single day for five months without fail. Any smell like cologne, food, coffee, freshly cut grass, paint, cigarette smoke, etc would make me instantly throw up, no matter where I was. I puked in PUBLIC PLACES many times, to my utter humiliation, and I couldn't count how many times my poor husband had to pull over while we were driving, even on the HIGHWAY, for me to throw up. I had to clean vomit off the car door many times.
I was in and out of the hospital for severe exhaustion and dehydration and was on an IV for several days at a time with each hospital visit because dehydration can cause a woman's body to SPONTANEOUSLY ABORT her baby. That's right, my child almost died several times because I couldn't stop throwing up. I lost about thirty pounds in those first five months because I couldn't eat anything, not even crackers and tea, which is the traditional 'cure' for morning sickness.
After I was put on high doses of medication for nausea and vomiting (which made me so incredibly sleepy that I couldn't drive or cook, or do anything that could potentially harm me or anyone else.), I then began to have problems with a condition known as SPD.
http://www.e-radiography.net/radpath/d/diastasis_symphysis.htm
My SPD was incredibly severe. I couldn't walk up the two flights of stairs in my own home (bedroom and bathroom on the top floor, laundry, garage and my three kitty cats on the very first floor) without severe pain. Getting dressed on my own was nearly impossible because raising my legs even a little made me cry. I couldn't turn over in bed without crying, and I woke up my husband, who was incredibly patient with me, several times a night to help me walk to the bathroom so that I could go pee.
Speaking of peeing. By the time I was seven months along, I was waking up about 4 or 5 times a night to urinate, meaning I stopped getting any sleep at all.
Not only that, but once I could finally eat, I gained weight rapidly. That means my skin could not keep up with my weight gain and I got stretch marks. I'm not talking just a few, it looks like a CAT attacked my body, from my upper waist to my mid-thigh, all the way around to my back. I don't think I'll ever be able to wear a two piece bathing suit again, or any dress or outfit that bears even a little bit of my stomach.
I was put on Loritab (a narcotic pain medication) from my sixth month of pregnancy to right after my daughter was born, just so that I could manage everyday tasks like showering, painting my toenails, dressing myself, and household chores.
On the 17th of August, I went into labor. On the 24th, very early in the morning (about 3am) my water broke and my husband drove me to the hospital. That's right, I was in labor for NINE DAYS, total.
I was in pretty good labor for about 12 hours my labor went smoothly. I was dilating slowly and could handle the pain without any medication just fine. Hell, I had been in pain for the last three months, what was a little more pain?
After about hour 13 rolled around, my labor sped up a lot, all at once. The contractions got really bad, I started not being able to keep myself from crying from the pain, so I asked for medication. They gave me something in my IV that made me really sleepy, so I slept for about an hour. After that, the pain continued to increase and I couldn't handle it anymore at all, so I asked for an epidural.
The epidural process was pretty interesting. The doctor came in with this really wicked-looking machine. They had me hunch over with my back rounded out like a cat arching it's back. They swabbed my spine with antibacterial stuff and topical anesthetic. They stuck the needle in me, which didn't hurt at all because of the topical, but the medicine! Oh My God, it burned SO badly that I JUMPED, totally reflexively, from the pain. The doctor was so good, though, he kept the needle breaking in my spine (potentially harmful or fatal!) and told me that I had to hold still. It was really hard to, I was clenching my teeth, because the medicine burns like fire going in your spinal cord. But soon after they put the catheter in and started giving me medication, I was very comfortable.
After about two hours of feeling fine, the pain came back. I was confused, I thought the epidural would make all the pain go away. Well, guess what, IT DOESN'T! The contractions got so bad I was almost screaming, so they gave me another shot that made me sleepy. Didn't help, I just kept passing out in between contractions. When the doctor examined me because I told them I felt the urge to push, they saw that my cervix was already fully dilated and my daughter was actually coming down the birth canal!
The contractions were...I can't even describe to you the intense amount of hideously, excruciating, horrific pain I felt. If someone had offered to end my life in order to stop the pain, I would have said yes. I am not lying to you in order to discourage you from having a child. I WANTED TO DIE. Do you even comprehend the amount of pain that will make a person prefer death to living? Think about that for a minute.
I don't remember a whole lot, except for just pain pain pain...and passing out every time a contraction ended. Finally, my daughter was born. I had a second degree tear (meaning my daughter actually TORE MY VAGINA on her way out) and had to have a plethora of stitches.
I was in the hospital for two days after, then we could take her home.
For the last seven weeks, I have not slept through the night. My daughter wakes up about 6-10 times a night to be fed, changed, rocked, held, whatever she needs. Maybe she's too cold, maybe she's too hot. My husband CANNOT help me because he drives very long distances for his work and I will not have him falling asleep at the wheel and crashing and killing himself. At night, it's my sole responsibility to care for our little girl.
I have not slept soundly since I got pregnant. I have been woken up multiple times a night because of vomiting, pain, to pee, or because of my daughter crying. I am responsible for the domestic duties in our home, dishes, laundry, and even though my husband DOES HELP ME, I still feel totally and completely overwhelmed and exhausted.
I have already finished college, gotten married, bought a house. I have already done many of the necessary things that an ADULT has to do in order to be a productive member of society. I can honestly say I do not think I could finish college or save enough money to buy a house with a baby now. Even with a husband with a good job, it's a struggle balancing our income for the thousands of dollars we've spent in the last year because of doctor visits, medications, hospital stays, and baby stuff.
And don't even talk to me about how expensive baby stuff is. Clothes, high chairs, strollers, car seats, bassinets, bouncers, baby carriers, slings, diapers, formula, bottles, baby wipes, toys...the list is endless and totally necessary.
So read and reread this a few times, and you tell me if you still want a baby.
A baby has not made my life easier, or less lonely. I cannot do anything on my own time, my life revolves around my daughter's schedule. If I want to go out with my friends, I have to pay for a babysitter. My daughter often interrupts us if we want to get romantic and/or have sex, and going out to dinner all the time like we used to...well, that's just out of the question.
Anyway, please rethink this. You will regret it to NO END if you have a baby at your age. Your boyfriend will NOT stick around and you will be forced to raise this child by yourself. Just take a look around this website for a few days and look at how many young teens regret not using protection after they have their babies.
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A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera +, writes (19 October 2009):
 Once you are married and have a kid, you can't give free reign to all your own wants anymore. Furthermore, at 17, you're not in a position to provide the kid with the best of everything. You have your whole life ahead of you to have a kid. Now is not a good time.
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A
male
reader, greg290352 + ♥, writes (18 October 2009):
 Hi q1605 - in the UK "the last year in college" usually means the girl is 17. While that is young its above the legal age of consent and some 17 year olds do make a very good mum's. I was not recommending that she has a baby without a lot of serious thought. Actually my daughter has a baby and is in a happy relationship at 20. You need to be less judgemental. Not all young mums make bad mothers and not all older mums make good mothers. A lot depends on the individual and her circumstances.
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A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (18 October 2009):
Any body that suggests to this girl in any form or fashion that it is OK to have a child is being irresponsible. Any one that says, think it through carefully and weigh the consequences, and if it's what you still want to do then go ahead, doesn't have a clue what they are suggesting. What you don't understand is they have no frame of reference, and no experience to make this decision. None whatsoever. It's the same thing as telling a four year old to stop before they run out into traffic and think about it carefully. And if after the four year old thinks it through, it still sounds like a good idea, and they still want to chase after their ball and run into traffic, then go for it. But don't say we didn't warn you.
No! You stop the child no matter what. You cannot expect the four year old to make a rational decision. Just like you can't expect the 15 year old to make an informed decision about getting pregnant. A couple of hours babysitting a niece or nephew is no frame of reference to arm her about making this kind of decision.
Greg 290352. Have you ever changed a diaper? I am 51 and have yet to change one. At 40 I had a vasectomy. I don't need to have a baby to see I didn't have the temperament to start at the beginning with all that at age 40. I didn't need to be told it was a bad idea, because at this age, I can think for myself. She can't, and we owe it to her to tell her it is a bad Idea. We are not telling her to never have a child. Just wait until you can give this child the minimum of what it takes to raise a child. I am not even sure she has a boyfriend or not. She says she is in a serious relationship. What does that mean? She sneaks out her window at night and makes out on a blanket with this guy. Much less her having a job or education or or or. If she is so insecure she must have someone around that must love her, I am willing to bet her home life with her parents is suspect. There is no way, no how, this is a good idea. If she is pregnant and is asking what to do, it may be a different story. But to sit idly by and let her make the mistake of a lifetime, and only say think it through is wrong. On so many levels.
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister + ♥, writes (18 October 2009):
 You are too young to even choose a marriage partner, let alone bring a child into this world. In college, you are at the stage of just figuring out what career you are going to go into (most people end up in a job that has nothing to do with their degree). You are at the very beginning of figuring out who you are and this takes years and that's why so many people that get married at your age, divorce.
Have you ever heard of the female escape route? Some females are too afraid to achieve their goals in such a big, scary world and afraid of failure. Pregnancy and breeding become a safe way to 'dig in' and hide instead of taking risks, discovering your limitations, and testing your abilities in a competitive market and job arena. I have an idea that when you started college, you were full of ambitions and now that you are close to graduating, you have a lot of fears. Your biological clock is not ticking and won't start ticking biologically until your late 20's.
If you like babies, why don't you take a job at a nursery or daycare? You'll be up to your ears in babies and toddlers all day and in the meantime, be bringing in a paycheck, saving money for your first house, and building up your retirement.
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female
reader, Nightingale +, writes (18 October 2009):
 I think you need to stop and listen to what you are saying. You are in school. You have no real income. You likely can barely support your self let a lone a baby.
You see your nieces and nephews and think oh how fun I could do this all the time.. Why don't you sit down and talk to the parents that do it full time and see how "fun" it is day in and day out. Don't get me wrong, I have kids and they are the joys of my life. However I could have done without the fun of, diapers, illness( ones requiring hospitalizations, prematurity $100,0000(US) hospital bills. Colic, up at all hours, no sleep, just to do it all again when they reach the teenage yrs and revert back to needing 24 hr care( boys, cars, drugs, peer pressure, sex). Deja vu
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male
reader, greg290352 + ♥, writes (18 October 2009):
Hi I think that many teenage girls want to a mum early. In most cases they would do better to wait until they are older.
However there are a some girls where getting pregnant early is all they want to do. My advice would be to think very carefully about the situation - costs, sleepless nights, lack of free time to be a young girl, stress and so on. If you still want to have a baby then go ahead.
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male
reader, q1605 +, writes (18 October 2009):
Notice that the only person who thinks having a child while you are still being a child, is a child who hasn't raised one. You don't bring a child into the world to be your best friend, and you don't bring a child into the world to have someone who must love you no matter what.
The need and want to bring a child in this world at your age is the result of eons of biological urges to procreate and perpetuate the human race. But just as we squelch these impulses with society and civilized behavior, we defer the child rearing instinct until we know how to provide for this child in civilized society. When we go back to the times of clubbing our dinner in the head with a stick and roasting it on a spit, and life expectancy is about thirty years, we can go back to heeding these urges. To do other wise is selfish and shows poor impulse control.
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male
reader, LazyGuy  + ♥, writes (18 October 2009):
 Read the link Phil has given.
Having a kid isn't a party and while everyone may treat you as special for a while, it is YOU that is going to have to do the feeding and getting new diapers and changing them.
Oh and feeding might SEEM like fun and intimate and all that, but not at 3 in morning, when you already done it twice and haven't had a good nights sleep in months. Especially not when everyone else is living their lives.
You say you love your families kids... WHENEVER you are with them. That is the killer. You ain't always with them.
A baby will be. 24/7 for the next decade. EVERYTHING you do, will have to revolve around the kid.
The very fact that at your age, you want a kid, shows you are not ready for it.
Really, read the link provided. That girl thought she was ready to. She wasn't. Neither are you.
Want to proof different? Get up every night, every two hours for a fake feeding. Clean the cats litterbox and wash it thorougly, by hand, no rubber gloves, EVERY couple of hours. Scrub the toilet, with bare hands (changing diapers is really that disgusting). Cook all your families food. Every day, no complaints. No dates without finding and paying for a sitter. Etc etc etc.
But hey, no worries, you can handle it. Just as that other girl could.
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male
reader, Uncle Phil + ♥, writes (18 October 2009):
 Have a read of this:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-it-wrong-to-want-to-go-out.html
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female
reader, Accountable + ♥, writes (18 October 2009):
I think your boyfriend is looking at it wisely - you need to wait until you are certain you can provide your child with stability, both emotionally and financially. That means unless you were born into a great amount of wealth, you should wait until you are fully certain yourself and your boyfriend can together provide yourselves and your child with a home, heating, electricity, food, clothing, and any number of any other costly expenditures, without having to depend on your parents (because honestly, thats hugely unfair to them).
As for emotional stability, I have absolutely no doubt that you would love your child and care for it. But I'm 17 and in college at the moment aswell and am fully aware that over the next few years, we WILL go through changes to our attitudes, ambitions, aspirations etc. Your baby shouldnt be caught in all this turmoil, and you shouldnt trap yourself in a situation where your only option is to have a mundane job to provide for a baby because you havent taken the time to get qualifications or explore the workplace. I know at the moment it probably feels like your wishes will never change, and having a baby will completely fulfil you, but isnt it worth recognising that this might not be the case? Having a baby would put an immediate halt to any ambitions to have a fulfilling life as a university student, to have an exciting time travelling, and so on.
I absolutely don't have a problem with people our age having children so long as they can independantly support them, and are completely certain they won't regret it, which would be horrible for the children. Good luck with whatever you choose to do. :)
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male
reader, CaringGuy + ♥, writes (18 October 2009):
The average child costs nearly £200,000 up until the age of 18. That does not include university fees and other things. You are still young, and the most important thing about being a parent is that you can give your child the best possible chance in life. That means schooling, love, work, clothes, all sorts. The list is endless. All this costs money. Although you think you can provide emotional support, you can't yet provide any other kind of support. Children take up a lot of time, a lot of energy and a lot of money. Wait until you are in a position that you can provide for your child.
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female
reader, xxloopyloo123xx +, writes (18 October 2009):
xxloopyloo123xx is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks :)
ive paid for all my driving lessons, and have enough for a car, once i have passed my test. just really want to be a mum, and love a little baby, it would make me so happy
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female
reader, ohdearitserika +, writes (18 October 2009):
 if you want to have a child now, DO IT. since youre finishing up college, i think you can handle it (although im a little confused about how high school/sixforth/uni/etc. goes there). i think a lot of girls feel the way you do--- i do! i'm having trouble with it, because my boyfriend is only 16, while i'm 17. i always wanted to have kids young to have that connection with my kids. i think it's awesome that you want to jump into it so soon, and i think that since you have so much experience around kids you'll be a great mother. i really hope everything works out well.
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female
reader, Ginalolabridga + ♥, writes (18 October 2009):
 Wait till your much older and in a job with good prospects, and your boyfriend is in a good paying job too, i would wait till you had enough money saved up for a deposit in a nice flat somewhere, take driving lessons and then save for a car because it is much easier transporting babies in a car than on buses!
Do think about all these things and then maybe you wont mind waiting a few more years.
Babies are expensive and a lot of hard work and you need to be able to financially support them on your own and provide for them too.
Gina
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