A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 38. I recently met a woman who is 26. She is very fit and has a voracious sexual appetite unlike any woman I have ever known before. I am suspecting that she may be a sex addict. We don't have sex every day because our schedules don't allow it, but she would do so if we could. When we do go out (a few times per week) we will often have sex four times over the course of a night/morning. I am loving this, but my problem is that I cannot keep up with her. Sexually I can, but I am losing a lot of sleep. I am tired a lot of the time and it is impacting my work. Sometimes we do not go to sleep until 4am and then she wants to get up at 7am and have sex again before work. She seems to be able to function on very little sleep, but I just can't. I have told her this and she will tease me about not being able to keep up with a younger woman before initiating another round. The few times I have had to tell her "Look, babe, I really want to do this, but I have to leave/go to sleep now" she gets upset and says I am rejecting her. Then she will sulk and pout and we may not have sex for days before she admits she can be moody and difficult and then the cycle repeats itself with us having marathon sex sessions before I finally burn out again or I have to return to the real world. I am a professional while she is still a student. That is not to say she sleeps in until noon. She has class and exams and homework and study groups and she will usually beat me out of bed in the morning. She also works some nights. She says she is used to little sleep and lots of coffee, but I am not.I know she sometimes sees other men and she knows I am seeing other women, which I have on occasion (I have been on dates, but not slept with anyone else.) We agreed to always tell each other if we sleep with someone else. Yes, I am concerned about disease and I always wear a condom. Once she wanted to let another guy (her roommate's boyfriend) watch us have sex, but I told her I was not comfortable with that. She was okay with respecting my boundaries. She asked if she could go off (with my blessing) and have sex with him instead, which I allowed. To make it up to me she later had her roommate (a girl) play the role of voyeur (and participate a little) while we had sex. She and I once watched her roommate and her roommate's boyfriend have sex, too, while we had sex on the couch within view of their bed. I have to admit these were exciting scenarios for me. I keep thinking she's got to slow down at some point, but it has been a year now and she shows no signs of slowing down. If anything, she seems to desire me greater than ever before, wanting us to spend more time overnight together, which means even less sleep (because being in bed together means barely any sleep). She will sometimes show up at my place at 11pm when I am getting ready for bed and if I tell her it's a bad night for me then whoa is me and if I appease her then she is never satisfied with just one round.As exciting as this all is, I feel that this is self-destructive for us both. I do care enough about her that I don't want to see something bad happen to her. The nature of our relationship is friends with benefits. I do have some feelings for her and she recently asked me if I would be her "regular lover." Since we have sex all the time (and were having sex while she asked) I told her I didn't know what she meant, since I was already her regular lover. She agreed. I see an emotional softness in her that I did not used to see and I think she is evaluating where our relationship can go from here. I am, too. Trying to figure out where she stood, I told her I might meet a girl on one of my dates and get married to which she replied that she'd be totally okay with that as long as we still met for sex, too. I told her my wife might not really like that idea and she seemed a little stunned.So here I am enjoying my fun, but also not sure where this is headed. I am concerned about her behavior (STDs but also burning the candle at both ends) and I'd like to hint at the fact that maybe her lifestyle is not something I can sustain, but that I do care about her. I also get the feeling that she might become a little bit unstable if I did or said the wrong thing, hurting herself, me, or others. She has never acted violently, but she can be very moody and not to be trite but I think every man who has seen "Fatal Attraction" fears that scenario. What started as harmless fun is starting to impact my well-being.Ideally, I'd like to try to date her like in a more controlled fashion, but failing that I would just like her to stay safe and be well - with or without me in her life. I am, of course, concerned about whether a girl like this can ever be serious relationship material. I am not really sure what a sex addict is or if she qualifies, but she certainly seems like a nymphomaniac to me.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2011): I think you're mature enough and smart enough to judge what is going on here and to make a decision as to what to do. You don't really want a relationship with her and you're worried about her mental stability from what you've said so it's time to end it.
If it's affecting your work life and your health negatively then that is one definition of addiction. Although sex addiction is no longer a clinical term I do believe sex addiction is real and it's not the same as a very high sex drive. When people have multiple partners in the scenarios you've described it's almost always a sign of emotional problems and past abuse. If your sex life is out of control, as hers seems to be, then something is wrong whatever you want to call it. If you really believe she is an addict then you're harming her by being involved with her.
A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (6 December 2011):
 If it's affecting your work-life balance you need to have a serious talk with this young lady about it. I think you can't expect to be FWB forever - don't think it's what you want either. So either you see her as someone you CAN talk to about the problems you are having or someone who is making your life less happy and you need to get away from.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 December 2011):
 Enjoying sex or having a large sex drive doesn't equal addict... I actually don't think there's a clinical term called "sex addict", I think that term is made up by popular culture to just describe someone who wants a lot of sex. At your age I hope you can differentiate between what's an addiction (like all other addictions) and what's not.
Be that as it is, you think she wants too much, more than you are up for anyway. She isn't up for the same life style as you. That one is pretty obvious, and yes, you should tell her this, before things become deeper. It sounds as if she's already too much to handle, when you can't have her over as often as you might like because she is too pushy for sex.
Or, have you ever talked to her about this? This conversation should be had months and months ago: "I need more sleep than you. When you sleep over we can have sex only until this or that time, after that we need to sleep. If you want to go all night you need to come over at the weekends only". For example. Be firm, it's your body, and if you don't want sex then don't get pushed into it by emotional blackmail. If she can't keep to a set time of when you need to go to bed and respect that time-limit, then maybe she is indeed an addict of sorts. But if that was the case I doubt you are the only one she sleeps with, because with an appetite this great, and if she is an addict, she'd be wanting it every night of the week... and every day as well.
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