A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:i'm in a bad situation at the moment emotionally because i think i'm in love with 2 men, one is my ex. my ex broke up with me twice in the past and after the first time he pleaded for me to take him back and said he would change. he hadn't and things got worse, he had a bad temper, no patience and called me every name under the sun at the heat of the moment, he never physically abused me though. the second time he broke up wih me he said we need time apart to find our true feelings for each other but i knew that i loved him but did as he asked. we never lost contact completely. we met up a few times and it still wasn't great so i decided to move on and met someone else. a truely wonderful, kind, patient, loving, affectionate man who told me he loved me within a month and i told him i loved him to. but my ex has never been out of my head and he started texting me again and gradually we met up more and more and our bond become stronger again. i never told the new boyfriend any of this and i've become a cheat which is something i thought i'd never do. my ex insists he has changed and finally told me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me which is something i dreamt of over and over about him. now he is promising me all this when i have met someone else and i don't know whether to get back with my ex and risk losing the new guy forever if i discover my ex hasn't changed or do i risk not getting back with my ex and forever wonder had he changed for the better and take a chance with the new guy who has also said he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. i'm torn and it's making me ill, i hate all the deceit and lies. my ex knows about the new guy. from a very confused 31 year old.
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male
reader, Manitobesk  +, writes (25 March 2011):
It's always dangerous to hang around exes, because you can forget the time, forget the bad moments, and be projected back in your past. The sexual tension, unless you had a real closure, is always present. In my opinion, you should:
1- Make sure that you do not take sexual attraction for love
2- Project yourself to compare your life with you guy (before you ex came around) and the life you would have with your ex
3- Think twice about what your ex tells you to get you back. In fact, he might play it high because he knows getting you back is tough (since your new guy is really good), once he has you, his behavior might change, and go back to his real personality
4- Please, for you own sake, decide quick, because the situation is really unfair to you guy who didn't deserve this.
5- If you choose to end it with you ex, make sure never to let him hang around you again, no excuse, you know you are weak, don't leave him a chance to make you a cheater again.
I'm sorry to say this, but you do not deserve your boyfriend... I could find excuses for falling once, in a one night stand or something like this for you ex, lost in the track of years... But cheating more than once can not be acceptable. Just try to imagine if your boyfriend was doing this to you, how devastated you would be.
A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (24 March 2011):
Very confused indeed. From what you say your problem is how do you try again with you ex and, at the same time, you are sure you new boyfriend is waiting for you just in case you ex is the same old crap.Well. You are both childish and selfish. Because you can't have both and you can't let you boyfriend waiting as you go back with your ex. How could that happen? Would you tell your boyfriend "Just wait here. I'll go back with my ex. If everything goes well I will let you know within a year. So you can start dating other people"..?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2011): I hate it when women do this...I shouldn't say that. Men do also. The PROBLEM here is that you never COMPLETELY cut off ALL contact with your ex. That is the ONLY reason he was always, "still in your head".Sit back and look at this logically...you have one guy who has promised you TWICE that he will change. And he DIDN'T. PERIOD! And you have another guy that you describe as "a truely wonderful, kind, patient, loving, affectionate man." Who has never hurt you, and you see absolutely NO signs that he EVER will. YET, you still CHEATED on him! What the hell? Are you not attracted to this new guy? Of course you are. Or you wouldn't be with him. But because you try to be "friendly" or "remain friends" and be there for your loser EX as a friend; he still has a hold on you. He still has PART of your heart. NOT because you still LOVE him, you love the IDEA of what he "could" be. But he ISN'T! And he NEVER will be. He's proved that twice to you. He's had TWO chances from you already, and hurt you twice, called you names, and this new guy...who has done nothing but be the best man he can be for you never even really got ONE chance did he?I'm sorry if I was blunt, but I have been the NEW guy in your "story". And it sucks. Be honest with this NEW guy. BECAUSE right now, he deserves better than how you are treating him...
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A
female
reader, Noodleness  +, writes (24 March 2011):
 It's a tricky one, as exes are exes for a reason, and usually for very good reason.Has your ex had any relationships since you've been broken up? And you don't actually say how long you were together for overall in the first place and how long you've been broken up for... how long have you been with your new guy?Speaking of your new guy, do you really think you can stay with him? You obviously don't love him enough, despite how you THINK you feel, otherwise you wouldn't have looked twice at another, let alone your ex.Why not be with neither of them? Your current partner definately doesnt deserve to be cheated on, especially given that you have clearly said he's wonderful, but he obviously doesnt fulfill something in your heart or you wouldnt be straying - and your 'ex' is happy to come into your life and allow you to cheat on someone for his own benefit - my opinion is if anyone has enough respect for themselves or the other person, then they would be willing to wait until said person is free and there's no one to hurt or betray. So I dont really see why you have to 'decide'. There are lots of questions to ask yourself - if it wasnt your ex, would you cheat on your partner with someone else? ANYONE else? And if you werent with your current partner, would you definately go back into a relationship with your ex? I know it's confusing, but it seems to me like you've already made your choice by cheating in the first place. Your heart is obviously not in your new relationship, so leave it and be happy, either without either of them or with the ex, just lay some ground rules first.Good luck! x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2011): in my opinion i think you should go with your ex because you technically love him more than the new guy because you have known him longer but you'll love this new guy in a different way. go with your ex because you love him and if he has changed than you'll miss the chance to have a wonderfull relationship with him and he might have changed because people change when they get older and he might have seen all of the bad things he's done to you and want a fresh start to make things up.also who doesn't know if this new guy doesn't turn out to be the samehope i helped
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A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (24 March 2011):
 Most people don't change, it's too hard and they don't want to put in the effort. Sure, they can appear to change temporarilly, but it rarely lasts.
I vote that you give the new guy a chance. 99% of the time when you get back with an ex it ends the same way it did before. It's a cycle that needs to be broken. Although, you should be honest with the new guy as well, and that might make your decision for you.
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