A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in a new “situation” with a man for 5 months, 3.5 months of which has been long distance. He has been visiting the country that he lived in for 10 years that he left a year ago. I recieved a message this evening saying that he wants to come and visit me (I am on holiday at the moment). I want to see him but there are a few issues that have been niggling at me that I want to clear up. One of the issues being that I am not clear on how he broke up with his ex (at the end of 2018). He told me that she has a new boyfriend now but I don’t know for how long he has known. All I know is that it was after he and I started seeing each other. He told me that he met up with her once while he has been away to tie up loose ends from the break up (discussions about money etc.). I just feel like there are things I am not clear on and they are on my mind from time to time. They were in contact before he and I started seeing each other (in June of this year) - on what terms I don’t know and I don’t know what has happened since then. Obviously she has moved on but I don’t know what happened in between or exactly when he found out that she had a new partner. My main concern is that I don’t want to stir things up considering he is coming to see me. I don’t know if it is even my business to be asking questions about an ex. He has made it blatantly clear that he is into me but because I don’t have the information about how the previous relationship ended I don’t feel 100% open with him because I am afraid he is keeping things from me or that he still has feelings for the ex. This is considering I know that they were in contact (long distance) very close to the time that he and I started seeing each other. I don’t want to spoil what he and I have together. I also don’t want to go along with things when I’m not comfortable just to keep the peace. Any advice? He wants to book his flight ASAP. So, I need to decide whether to have a chat with him or not.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2019): Honeypie yes this is the same person. I am Indonesia at the moment on business and he is planning to come and see me next week. We have been in touch continuously for the past 4 months while he has been in Germany.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (13 November 2019):
 Why do you NEED the details?
Curiosity?
He will TELL you HIS version of events. Which might be close to the truth, but not the entire truth. Let's face it we ALL prefer our OWN version of events. Especially after a break up.
I dated a guy who was VERY anti-cheating. From the get go he told me his ex and the ex before that, had BOTH cheated on him and that it had been so hurtful. It was a TOTAL manipulation ploy to make me feel sympathy and try and be the BESTEST most faithful GF ever! Facts (as it turned out) was that he had cheated on EVERY single GF (including me). But I will BET you, that his version of events was that HE was the one cheated on and he would stick to it. Because he made HIM look "better" than if he had been honest. And frankly, most women would not jump for joy to be dating a guy who admits to being a serial cheater, would they?
So what I'm saying is this. There are 3 sides to break up, his, hers and the truth. You will be NONE the wiser trying to dig through his past and "suss" it out.
With that said, I think having a talk about BOUNDARIES with exes is a smart thing to do. Because it Will tell YOU (and him) if you two agree on those things. Some INSIST on being BEST friends with an ex, others cut all contact, some are civil because of kids (which makes sense) it all comes down to the person. And I think it's OK to ASK what is your relationship NOW with your ex? And it's ALSO OK for you to decide (if he is still super close) that you are not into that, and this HE isn't a good fit for you. I don't think you can tell someone, well if you want to date me you need to cut all contact.. but... you can choose to NOT date a guy who "collects" exes and keep them around.
Is this the guy with the ex in Germany?
The bald, fat, unemployed guy?
Or is this a new OP?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2019): I don't think you're really entitled to know about how things ended with his ex. As long as they broke up before you two started dating then I'm not sure why it matters. If it was a difficult break up would you not want to see him? If They're still friends, would you not want to see him? If she broke up with him and he was hurt, would you not want to see him? I mean if the answer to those questions is yes, then I guess that's your choice but if you only want to date people who have had easy break ups then you're going to be limiting yourself. And you might find someday that you're no longer one of them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2019): OP here. Not sure if I was clear or not in the original post but he broke up with his ex officially 11 months ago.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2019): I agree that he may still have some loose-ends to tie-up with his ex; if they only broke-up a few months ago.
You have to be careful that you're not a rebound; so asking a few questions about how things ended is okay. I think it would be wise to be certain he's not rushing you before he has dealt with his own feelings regarding his ex. The point is to make sure you're not caught-up in a game of tit-for-tat, to get even with his ex. With men, we sometimes have time-delayed emotions that can hit us unexpectedly. Being you live long-distance, you have little to go by but his word.
If you're always going to feel uncertain and insecure; maybe you're not truly cutout for an LDA. Give it serious consideration before you commit fully.
You really need to take your time. I see no need for paranoia. Patience, caution, and vigilance should suffice. Explain to him that you are feeling somewhat reserved about the fact he broke-up so recently with his ex; and you'd like to take things slowly.
I suggest you reserve your feelings; and try not to fall too deeply too quickly. Get to know him, and don't be afraid to ask questions regarding matters that you know could affect the outcome of a potential relationship.
Now is too soon for a serious-commitment, if you ask me; but you will always have some insecurity when you both live a distance apart. You may never know anything for sure. That's the major drawback of having an LDA!
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