A
female
age
36-40,
*3cthcnurse
writes:Just before my fifteenth birthday I was with this guy, who I fell in love with. But then he made some bad decisions and we went our seperate ways. Not even a month later, I got with this new guy who was nothing spectacular and I figured he'd just be a rebound guy. Well only a month into this relationship he made out with another girl at a party. So needless to say I got mad and broke up with him. I ended up going on vacation with my church youth group the next week and we didn't talk for the whole week I was gone. On the way home though, I was distraught about being alone and called him and begged him to take me back. Well after that he vowed to be 100% faithful and now we have been together for almost nine years. I love him with all my heart and he talks about marriage and kids almost everyday. He was my high school sweetheart and we are pretty much inseperable. But throughout most of this relationship I thought about my previous ex alot. I never said anything because I thought it would pass and eventually it did. But probably for the past year I have been having dreams about him about once a week each one growing more vivid. And recently I got back in touch with him, which I was thrilled about being friends (just friends) with him. My current boyfriend didn't like this idea at all; he got mad, threatening to beat him up (even if I didn't talk to him) and to throw me out of his life if I ever speak to him again. I have been depressed and not able to eat since this fight. My ex was cool about everything, he said that he understands and respects what my bf says. Well my bf told me after that fight that he wants me to get a tattoo of his name, which I previously told him I would as long as I was incorporated into some kind of picture. But now he is specifying the location and everything. I want to stay with him but I don't want to sacrifice being allowed to speak to my ex he was my first everything. I have been thinking about asking my bf for a break for a while because really feel like I need to do some soul searching to be sure he is the one I can't like without, I also want to know if I could make it on my own, since I've never been single. Also I my mom married her high school sweetheart and I watched her go through two failed marriages. Well we live with his parents and I love them dearly like they were my own, so I'm a little worried about hurting them, especially his sister who never leaves my side. I am worried if I ask for a break now that he will assume that it is to be with my ex, but that's really not the reason. He has made comments to me quite a bit about how he would die for me and if he can't have me he doesn't want anyone else to have a chance. So I am scared to even mention this. I need help should I ask for the break that I really want and need or do I stick with him and just try to make things better. Oh yeah, one more thing. My current bf doesn't ever want to spend time with my family or my friends. He doesn't care when I go spend time with them but he is never there. Although I spend more time with his friends and family than my own. What do I do?? --Scared and Confused.
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a break, broke up, depressed, fell in love, my ex, tattoo Reply to this Question
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male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (5 November 2009):
 you do not want to be with his man.
1.he is forbidding you from talking to friends.
2.your BEST FRIEND has said she does not trust or like him.
3.Your best friends father has said he does not trust or like him.
You spend nights crying and wondering if other things are out there?
You don't need to be sad. You don't need to be alone. You don't need to be unhappy.
Dry your tears and look around you.
There are other things everywhere!
A
female
reader, 23cthcnurse +, writes (22 October 2009):
23cthcnurse is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk so here's the deal. I had a long lunch day with my best friend and we talked about all of my options. She never liked my bf so she was all for me leaving him. I thought I had everythig planned and it would be smooth and a clean break (for me anyway). I was just going to tell him how I had been feeling and that I just needed to live on my own for a while. I was going to pack up and leave. But midway through packing, I just broke down (some powerful emotion had taken over and I couldn't move); at that moment I realized that he had gotten the best of me and it wasn't going to be as easy as planned. Well I called my friend, who was going to come get my things after I packed, and told her that there was a change in plans. I agreed to stay until at least January for the sake of his sister, who's school would suffer from this. And in the mean time, he has taken this as a challenge to prove to me why I fell in love with him in the first place. I tell him that I love him daily, which I do, and pretend that nothing is wrong. We have been doing things more and more. But I haven't stopped texting my ex, he is like a best friend to me. Whenever I picture myself happy, my bf is never there. I find myself, still, crying when he's not looking and wondering what else is out there. I tried to tell him the old saying "if you love something, set it free; and if it comes back it was meant to be". He agreed but just brushed it off as a joke. I know what I doing is wrong and probably heartless but I want to do this the easiest way I know how. I really do WANT to be with him but I'm not sure if I am better off without him. And THAT is what I need to find out. HELP
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2009): Hi
When I said a public place, I meant somewhere nice and exclusive, where you have ample privacy to talk but not enough for him to create a scene.
Love
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2009): Hi
Tricky question. NO one likes to break up, it is always messy and really, not a good thing. In your case, I do have some ideas. First, take him out on a public place (less chances of his creating a scene there). Then, begin by the usual, "we need to talk", and explain your side of the story reasonably and calmly. Also, look him straight in the eyes for emphasis. And then, if you want to do it gently, then say that you were rethinking your relationship, that the past few days have been rough on you and that you need some time alone. That will be like a gradual break up and perhaps ease things up.
Then say that for a while you need to go away, and be on your own. My guess is that this might lead him to jumping to conclusions about you and your ex, but stay firm and explain that the tattoo thing truly made you think. But, don't get into lengthy explanations just yet. First give him the time to accept that you mean this. And, then, if he loses his temper, get on a cab and run to your mom, or any other place. If he still seems in shock then you might want make a more dignified exit. Now, he might want to call you and if he really is a big baby then perhaps he might try to call you at your mom's, might even show up there. Stay very firm and do not relent. He might want to emotionally blackmail you, and he might want to play the pity card. Do not fall for it. Also, it might be a good idea to gradually move out of the house, as in you know stealthily take a small hamper of clothes before you break the whole thing to him.
And, do give a hint about this to your b'friend's mother... but before she has had any time to warn him about it.
As for no contact, stay that way for at least three weeks, so he can get the message loud and clear. And then after a month, depending upon his reception of it, tell him that you guys are over and thank him for the nine years and hope that you guys could stay friends. Stay with your mom or a friend as long as you are sure of your safety. In case he takes the whole thing very badly, you might want to inform the local cops about him and his details (just in case).
Hope I was helpful
Best of Luck
Love
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A
female
reader, 23cthcnurse +, writes (10 October 2009):
23cthcnurse is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOne more thing, sorry guys. What is the best way to ask for a break wihoit him going to drastic measures. Also should I go no contact and for how long? I've never had to end things with someone. Especially when we are totally in love and he doesn't share my confusion. I just don't want him to try to hurt himself, me, or even worse, my ex who has nothing to do wih this. HELP!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2009): And about the ex part, well he sounds like a mature man and you know, maybe like you he too felt an instant connection with you! Sometimes we meet people that we instantly connect to and then you guys got together after so long, I think it is natural for anyone to be excited about it. Think of it as a situation where for some reason you fight with one of your very good friends, you guys loose touch and then, miraculously happen to meet one another. Wouldn't you want to talk long and be happy about it? I think it is the same here. You don't really need to think of that. As long as you trust your ex, I am sure that you guys will be able to build a beautiful friendship here... I don't think that you should be thinking about how he feels for you just yet! For all I know, he might also think that perhaps you have feelings for him (and that is why you are planning on leaving) and we both know that that is not the truth so... Just enjoy it, ok. Besides, he has a kid he obviously loves a lot. So, he is not likely to jump into a fling, that also with someone he obviously cares about (that is you). Start a lovely friendship and specifically tell him that you guys are destined to be the best of friends (that will take care of any misunderstandings, right).
I mean, you are about to begin a new chapter and life is going to get exciting, you should only be thinking beautiful thoughts, planning new adventures etc. So, have fun and rock the single circuit. I know you will!!!
Love
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2009): Hi
Hey, if your best friend doesn't like him, then you got your approval right there to leave the man. And yes, do update me. I am so glad that you came out of this situation before it was too late... and don't worry about the sisters, they will learn to take it with time, if not, well, who really needs such friends. And I am glad that you have found a friend in your ex. So, good luck and do keep me posted. Glad that I was of some help!
Best of Luck
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A
female
reader, 23cthcnurse +, writes (10 October 2009):
23cthcnurse is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso I am curious on whether or not my ex still has feelings for me. I don't really want him to. Just friends. He seemed to be super excited when we talked the first time. He texted me to tell me goodnight and that he was off to bed (I work nights, so he knew that time was safe to text). He said he missed me. And he said it really hurt his feelings when I told him I may not be able to talk to him anymore (he said he respects it and he understands if I don't but it really hurt to know that I want to but might not). Since then the conversations have been very sparing. He's been busy with his kid alot which is fine with me. But he also told me that he is not happy in his relationship. Is he just telling me this because he thinks I want him back (I don't) or does he want to be with me or is it just small talk??
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A
female
reader, 23cthcnurse +, writes (10 October 2009):
23cthcnurse is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much Clariss. This is really straight to the point advice. I plan on talking to my mother to see if I could stay with her a while until I get an apartment or something. I also want to talk to my life long best friend about this because she and her dad, who I look at like my own father, always had a weary eye toward my current boyfriend. So far the only people that know how I'm feeling is my ex who I still have been texting even though I've been forbidden, and those on this online post. Yes I am very comfortable being just friends with my ex we were really close before we got together, even though we only knew each other for a couple of months before (we would sit outside and talk all night long, he actually knows how to listen to me, I feel like he understands me even after being out of touch for eight years). I hink my current boyfriends mother will understand because she is stuck in a rocky marriage but I will have trouble with his sisters. Oh and by the way, I am 23 and so is my current boyfriend, but my ex is far more mature at only 24, which I think came from being in and out of trouble as a teen; he is in a pretty long relationship himself and he also has a child. Anyway. I will post an update to my situation as things happen. Thanks again clariss.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (10 October 2009):
your bf is a child and is already on the wonderful path to abusing you. Step #1 is branding you like cattle. Then the really fun stuff comes :).Take a break. Leave. Dump him. Be with a mature person.This is what THE REST OF YOUR LIFE will be like. This is the best it will be, IF you stay with him.You have two choices. 1. Go down the path of life with your bf and be unhappy, controlled, and in all likelihood, abused. 2. Take a break and find someone better. Be happy. Marry a wonderful man that will treat you with respect like you would treat him. Have a great life that you can be proud of. Have kids that you can say, "Johnny and Jane are going to be wonderful people. I raised them well. I am proud of myself and my children. I took that break and found someone who loved and cherished me like I did him."You have the right to be happy. You have the right to pick option 2.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2009): Hi
Well, for starters, how old is your boyfriend? I think that he is a little immature, don't you think? Not to mention very insecure. I mean, hey, no man who is comfortable threatens to beat up another one just for talking to his ex. And the tattoo thing is insane... there is no permanency in life and I think that no man should ask it of any woman... and to actually demand it.
MY advice to you is this... get out for a while. You are thinking in the right direction... and yes, we love how high school sweethearts sail into the ever after glory, but to a large extent it is limited only to Romantic Comedies.
Your fear of living the single life is quite legitimate and justified. After so long this could be quite an intimidating experience... but you are only twenty-two and reasonably attractive... and so you should do just fine.
As for your feelings for your ex, well, you were happy with being just friend right? So, it is only natural. Don't worry.
Your current boyfriend scares me, though... I mean, has he been overindulged and pampered by his family? He seems to be the sort that sulks when he doesn't get his way, not to mention volatile and a little immature. Certainly not the one you should settle down with. Believe me, no matter how much you love someone, at the end of the day you desire a friend... don't see that happening here, just at present.
As for breaking it to his family, well, yeah, that sucks but, how about saying it gently and tactfully, like you have to be on your own for a little while and that you need to be sure of your feelings? And, well, this is a really huge step, and later it will only get messier if you find out that it was a wrong one.
You don't need to be very honest to anyone except your boyfriend about your reasons, but remember it is your life and you are responsible for your emotional well-being and happiness.
Taking a break is definitely the right thing to do. The first step will be tough, but I am sure that you will manage fine.
Best of Luck
Love
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