A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i'll try to keep this short. i think my bf of 3 yrs is starting to cheat on me...our relation is a long-distance one. we talk to each other abour 2 hrs over the phone.recelty he is under a lot of work,so he comes home tired. 3 yrs ago, a girl was added to his list.. but not until 4 months ago the contact between them has been a lot. he has removed the previous messages from her on fb, bcz he knows i go through his account.i haven't been to his account not unitl yesturday.i found out that on the day of my birthday, he had sent her a love song, and told her that he loves this song, and he wanted her to hear it... from the messages that are left(a month worth of messages, there doesnt show any kind of contact other than very-very-close friendship,which is ofcourse something i dont like at all.they talk througth texts on the cel phone.... and im affraid that if he is going to cheat it would also be through texting,she lives in a different country.i told him i don't like this girl.i also told him that im scared of losing u to this girl,b/c ull like the new thrill the new relationship...he told me but she's 3 yrs older ad i would never do that, plus she is from a different religion...he has told me that he would never cheat(he's kinda that person,but people change right?) im scared that this close relationship with this girl would lead to him cheating on me,i come from a family were my dad is cheating on my mom,the whole family knowing,and yet my mom cant do anything to leavehim,and he knows this too.this is not my case here,,,,, but pleeeeeeeeeeeeasssssse pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeasssseee can u help me!!!???!???!??!?!?! i need opinions from outside,is this close to friendship where it leads to a relationship although we've been together for 3 yrs...plzzz tell me what should i do here!! I AM DESPERATE. HE'S being too cold, when we hang up so that he goes to bed,he no longer says i love u( he always used to say that)but is i say so he's reply,in his texts there is always i love u.is this related?we're not talking that much, due to his work?? could i do anything to make sure that he is not cheating on me?? plz heellp me, plzzz!!
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (23 December 2011):
Hi. Do you mean that your mother doesn't approve of the relationship, because you and him are not married?
There's probably not a lot you can do about that, unless you moved out of home.
Your mother might be having doubts about his intentions, and whether it's going anywhere.
Your mother only wants what's best for you, and it's possible through her vast life experience, she might be able to see things you cannot.
Perhaps you could sit down and have a chat with her about it and let her know how you feel.
It's also possible that your mother believes this young man is taking you for granted, and not treating you with the respect and dignity that you deserve.
It's going to be hard to convince her otherwise.
The person you really need to be getting clear with, is this young man you are seeing.
Do you and he ever discuss a possible future together?
Perhaps it is that you would like a serious relationship and wedding bells eventually, but he isn't up to that stage yet.
So you and him really do need to get clear on where it's going.
By this I mean, don't ask him straight out - "Are you ever going to marry me?"
But instead, take note of how he treats you when you are together, and if he spends money on you.
As this has been a relationship for 3 years now, it almost seems like he definitely isn't ready to get serious just yet.
His actions seem to confirm that.
Sometimes when a relationship goes on for long term, as the years go by, it's almost like to take it to the next level, isn't necessary. It becomes a way of life. A habit.
If you were to end it with him, you will probably find that the next man you meet, will want to get serious, and you will both know within the first 6 months that you are right for each other. Then everything will happen pretty quickly.
Meeting that special someone, could take a few months or more, however it will certainly be worth waiting for.
Just see what your instincts are telling you, over the next few months.
If you are beginning to have doubts about whether you have a future with him, well then that might well be the time for you to make a decision to move on - without him.
The main thing to be consciously aware of, is if you are happy or not. If you are not, ask the question - "What is is it I am NOT happy about?" And in doing so, get very specific on what it is that makes you the most unhappy.
If you are unhappy, perhaps what upsets you the most, is the uncertainty.
To make any kind of decision, you need to get very very specific about what's good about the relationship - and what's bad about the relationship.
Ideally, the good should far outweigh the bad.
And also in deciding, you need to carefully consider the things you DON'T like, and ask yourself whether you could live with those things for the rest of your life, if you were to stay together.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwe often see each other 2 times, and soooome times 3 times if there a gd reason.. we dont live that far,,, its only 30mins, but i live in a country where it is not good to have such relationships, and my mother wont let me go, although im and adult but i habe to abide but the family rules, just as if i was a child, i know it might be hard to understand but this is just the way our society is... we talk a lot, 2 hrs after work, and after i come from my uni...
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (17 December 2011):
Hi. I realize you talk to him on a fairly regular basis, but do you ever actually see each other?
And if you do, how often is it that you see you each other?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell i dont mean like cheat on me with sex, but like hving another distant relationship!! i think im worrying too much! but i cant help it! i tried telling him to reduce the contact with her, but he was not happy, he said this was his friend... what do i do now?!
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (16 December 2011):
Hi there. You said this is a long distance relationship.
How far are you from each other? Is it several hours drive or 1 hour on a jetplane?
So what I'm really asking, is do you see each other at all?
Talking on an internet chat line or on skype is ok, but it's not the same as being together in the same room.
LDR's are a very lonely way to be in a relationship.
It relies only on electronic contact - phone, text, email, facebook or whatever. And so therefore, it's fairly limited.
If this girl he chats to on Facebook lives in another country, well then you don't have a problem of him cheating, because he can't see her either.
All it is, is conversation.
Because he's not seeing her, there's no way he can cheat with her, is there? So it poses no real threat, does it?
It's also long distance - just like you and him.
Other than conversation with her, there's probably nothing too much for you to worry about.
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