A
female
age
30-35,
*orriedgirl2012
writes:My father and I were very close when I was a child. My mom worked weekends, so he stayed home with me. My parents have a great partnership and my dad always contributed equally. When I was around 10 I started experiencing some serious anxiety issues. I was always very emotional and sensitive, but I started to have panic attacks. Sometimes I could identify what caused them, but other times it was completely random or little things that would set me off. My father could not understand what I was going through and trivialized my concerns. I relied on my mom for emotional support and didn't even want to talk about things when my dad was around because he would just yell or get frustrated. I would say I had a pretty traditional family-my mom stayed at home while my dad worked. He was the breadwinner, but he and my mom worked together to run the house and I never remember dealing with any gender inequalities (my mom chose to stay with us-dad always respected her independence and free will). I know emotionally my dad has always been there for my mom and his sisters because they always told me this. He was always chivalrous with me and dependable.My dad ALWAYS talked about what a real man did and made fun of guys that weren't "manly". I have always sought out alpha males and am continually disappointed when they have nothing in common with me and see me as too difficult. I was always branded as the difficult kid. I have put my dad on a pedestal. He always supported us in every way, but was not emotionally available. He still can't seem to acknowledge that I am an adult now (23 years old) so he takes a lot of things I say or even trying to joke with him as disrespectful. I think I subconsciously pick men that I think my dad would like or approve of, but they don't really make me happy. But I would be embarrassed to be with this super emotional/dramatic guy. I just want to be with someone that loves and supports me and doesn't think my worries and insecurities are ridiculous. I have found several extremely supportive friends, but I can't seem to make close bonds like this with men. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2016): Anxiety does not come out of nowhere.You are on teh road to getting better and on the way yiu will accept that all humans are not perfect. I can see from the post that it is difficult for you to accept both sides of your dad's personality. He's great and yet he yells when you have a problem he sees as WEAKNESS etc.I am not familiar with your situation, but at somepoint you may realize that it was not uncommon in your family to neglect one's real desires in order to meet a certain standard or make someone happy. As long as everybody was playing a role everything appeared to be perfect. And on the other hand for the sake of maintaining that perfection (that could have been percieved as "normal healthy family") you could have played your role to perfection. And no wonder that anxiety surfaced. No wonder you keep chosing a man to meet the standards your dad has set.The moment you bust that myth you'll set yourself free.This doesn't mean that your dad is a bad person. He's doing what he thinks is best because he loves you. But, that doesn't mean that he is right.Nothing is black and white (and perfectionists tend to think in extremes). Your dad is neither perfect not the worst. There are some things he's right about and others he's wrong about. But I am sure that he means well.My mother (who raised me alone) did everything she could for me, but without her wanting so, she helped me become a perfectionist and not show any weakness. I lost her when I was 19 and what do you think I did? Instead of grieving, I did everything I was supposed to - finished studies while working, got a job, got a married to a guy she would have liked and who resembled her in a way (perfectionist too who keeps pushing me and supporting me the way she did). Did teh anxiety kicked in at some poit? You bet. In my case I even pushed it so far my body turned against me and I developed an autoimmune disease. But.I got help.I got therapy and I am doing so much better.I love my mother deeply, I see her strenghts, but now I am not affraid to admit and accept her weaknesses.Ionly wish she were here...You stillhave time with your family. Your dad is still here. It will be painful for him as well to see that he too is a part of your problem, but I believe that he loves you and that he will get over it and really be there for you.Be strong!
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 January 2016):
 Just want to make sure which is accurate. Your dad is emotionally there for your family, then not emotionally available for you. I guess what you are saying is that he's there if people don't have anxiety problems, but with you he does not have the tools to sooth your anxiety besides medicine. So in a way he's not there for you. Is that right?
Maybe he loves you so much and can't bear the thought that you have an emotional problem. He would feel like a failure if he does not know how to solve this problem so he would rather that you imagined it, or it's not real.
I think it's time to show him that what you have is real, and have a therapist talk to him. Your father has the potential to take care of you emotionally. He just needs the know how. He also needs to trust the doctor and not label his profession as unmanly. Maybe all you need is a listening ear, and acceptance of who you are. This may not be too much to ask.
You don't need to think about relationships as yet. First you might want to be more self sufficient about handling fearful emotions. Having learnt this skill it would be helpful in your relationships because they can be the greatest source of your stress. It's just not men, women can find it hard to understand anxiety too.
...............................
|
