A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My issue is that I'm afraid talking my friend Ally (not real name) into coming to the same college with me was a bad idea. I've had her as a friend since my high school days, and when I graduated she still had one year left. So while I enjoyed my freshman days at college, I realized it would be fun to actually have someone I know in the same place. So I constantly pitched the idea to her that she should apply to this college (I did constantly tell her though that she didn't have to. She could go wherever she wanted). But she decided to apply. She got accepted and when she graduated she headed on up here to start college. Now I'm almost half-way through my second year here (so it's half-way through her freshman year) and I'm kind of regretting convincing her to come here. I feel like it was a sure way to lose her. Over Freshman year, I would come back home and we'd hang out and it would be just like old times. But now, I mean I'm happy for her, I wanted her to make friends and enjoy her time here, however, I never considered that they'd become her best friends and my roommate and I would end up left behind.When I came here, I befriended my roommate immediately and we still are best friends, however I made sure to make Ally know that I was still her friend too. I hung out with her when she came to visit, I constantly texted her, and she even became good friends with my roommate as well.The beginning of this year started off pretty good. She would tell us how her first week was, she come by every so often and hang out with us, we'd eat lunch/dinner with her a couple times a week. But something changed. She's a theater major, so she started getting roles in the plays here. And we were really happy for her, but rehearsal would take up all her time, but we understood that. However, now that those shows are done and she has free time before the next shows start in a few months, it seems that shes drifting away from us.She has become really close with other theater major students, and I'm really happy that she found people she shares stuff in common with. It just seems that lately, they're the only people she hangs out with anymore. She goes to parties with them and has almost started drinking. I feel that because of their "exciting" lifestyle, she now sees us as the boring friends. The other day, it was kind of proven that people don't want to hang out with us. We were eating lunch (my roommate and I) and someone from the theater department who I met through Ally, asked to sit with us. We said yes and she went to get her food, but when she came back, she's like "actually I found the friends I wanted to eat with so bye guys", and my roommate just turned to me and said, "you know, I feel like we're everyone's second choice." And it sucks, but it's true. Even last Tuesday, we planned to go see a movie with Ally and she had said she wanted to go. But then the day arrived and considering we hadn't seen her for awhile, we asked to make sure she was still coming. Her response was no, instead she was getting homework done...Now this seems like a decent reason to not go, but we know her pretty well to know that she is never concerned with her homework. She constantly slacks off and does it the morning of sometimes. So the fact that she was choosing homework over doing something fun just seemed totally out of place to me. But even just with lunch/dinner. We used to see her at least 2 to 3 times a week, but now it's rare if we even see her once. I didn't want to lose her as a friend I even agreed to give her space when she came her because I know she's someone that would easily get annoyed by people. We had a hard enough time making friends our first year here, but now the one friend we thought we now had seems to have left us for better people.Would all this have been avoided if I hadn't talked her into coming here with me? I miss the friend I had.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2013): No-one's advice is meant to make you feel bad; but to make you realize some of the things you said, and feel, about Ally may not be very "friendly." All the while, we know truly where you're coming from.
You said many times you wish her well, but deep inside you feel Ally abandoned you for other people. That's not it at all. She got caught up in the new atmosphere, and she is getting attention from new people with whom she shares common interests.
They all took her under their wing, and they're making college-life easier on her. Ally just happens to have the personality that makes it easy to do. I'll be ever grateful to the guys who did that for me. It also encouraged me to pass it on to others. It made my circle of friends grow.
Being the new kid on the block makes "outgoing" people feel good. They revel in all the attention; because that's how they are. They enjoy making friends; and don't fear social situations.
Most people are under-aged when they try their first experience with alcohol. It doesn't always end in tragedy; but a hangover is usually enough to warn them off over-indulgence. Learning by experience usually leaves a more lasting impression. You can shelter Ally from the things that find their way into her life. She knows right from wrong, and has her own parents; who set the foundation for her to take along through life. She also has her own values.
Yes, you are a little jealous. I'd be. That is human, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. It comes so easy for her.
It's wrong when you start letting jealousy tack bad thoughts onto simple things people do; because we are upset with them for an unjustified reason. Forming unsavory judgement on them; because they don't spend their time with us according to our demands.
The freshman-year of college is when we grow from a child to a young adult. We meet new people, and new experiences are introduced that we were once too young to appreciate or understand. Things parents forbid, but did/do themselves.
Old relationships may fall to the sidelines; while new experiences prevail over them. Strangers steal the bulk of your attention. You are no less cared for; just no longer the only one she shares her time with. There are many folks and activities demanding her time and attention. Such is college-life. We avoid boredom like the plague; when you are bursting with energy and excitement.
I stand behind all that I've said in previous comments.
You and others will benefit. I can sweet-talk you and tell you what you want to hear.
However; making you face the darker-side of your commentary about Ally; opened your eyes regarding what a friend shouldn't say (or think) about someone they call a friend. You wouldn't want Ally to feel, or say, such things about you. They would be hurtful. How would she feel if she read your post? She's not a bad person either. Quite the opposite.
You are a loyal and good friend. The kind you hold onto for a lifetime. So much so; that you wanted to perpetuate your friendship for as long as possible, by inviting her to share your college-life experience. It's just that a few things get in the way when you're new on campus.
Let Ally know that you feel a little left-out. Ask her to introduce you, and your roommate, to some of her friends. Get out and broaden your own horizons, and lessen your dependence on old friendships; by inviting new people in.
Don't judge others harshly, they are going through growing pains. Trying to kill homesickness, and adjust to being out of the nest. Taking new risks, and chalking up their minor accomplishments.
Experimenting and getting away with things they would never do, if they were at home. Growing up and learning by trial and error. As you all should be doing.
Always keeping your priorities straight, and being level-headed through the process.
You and Ally are creating memories. They should be good memories to last you a lifetime. You can look back as
alumni, and share the experience long into the future.
Each with her own story to tell. New friends picked up along the way.
Now, perhaps you'll see things from a better perspective. I wasn't being mean to you. I was being frank with you. You're an adult now.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 December 2013):
 I totally get it. I don't think you are petty or stupid or mean or rude.
I think your feelings are hurt... you didn't realize that for everyone going off to college is the chance to expand your horizons and spread your wings.
Ally being in theater just did it faster and sooner and you feel left behind in the dust.... you're confused... you thought you would continue being besties once she got to your school but as you grow and mature your paths diversify...
and you are just feeling that loss.... it's NOT personal and it does not mean Ally does not like you anymore... but it feels like that... and it hurts... we ALL want to be the CENTER of EVERYONE'S universe and we can't.
We do grow and change and outgrow our friendships. This would happen even if she had gone to a different school... it just would not be so up in your face.
Don't mother her... let her make her own mistakes.. that's what college is for.
Be friends when you can but accept that she's expanding her horizons and with folks who have the same major as she does she is bound to have a lot in common with them and want to spend a lot of time with them.
See her when you can... and don't take it personally as it's really NOT a reflection on you or your worthiness as a friend.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 December 2013):
 Now, now OP : I never said " awful ", that's a word that I reserve to much bigger wrongdoings than yours...
I just think that you sound too... etero-directed is the word ? ( or maybe , I am just making it up ). I mean, you count too much on people and circumstances out of your control to be in a certain pre-determined way in order to make you happy. Generally, it 's easier to change ourselves and our actions, than changing other people and their actions. So, rather than count on Ally's constant company to have social validation, feel valued and appreciated and reassure yourself that you are not boring... well, act as a non-boring person , find your own niche and passion, cultivate your own interests,like Ally does. So, not only you won't feel that you might be boring to people... but you'll be able to not give a whit whether they think you are "boring " or " interesting " - you'll be too occupied doing your thing, and having fun doing what YOU like, to worry about that.
I think anon female gave you an excellent answer and excellent advice. People changes and evolves in time, according To ages stages and circumstances . Some friendships won't stand these transformations and will just fade out- which is normal and OK too, it just means it was not born as a lifetime connection. Other friendships fluctuate a bit in intensity due to outside influences and circumstances , but , if the core is solid, will always reconnect at some point. Like, suppose two high school best friends turn one into a young mom of twins, and the other into a single party girl who loves clubbing- do you think they'd have much time for each other, many life experiences to share together ... ? But, let just a few year pass, and the twins go to school, and the clubbing lose its novelty allure, .. and things may just fall back in step.
In the meantime, do not overthink it, and make sure YOUR college life is satisfying, with or without Ally.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2013): I'm so sort you feel you're losing your friend. It is a fact of life that people you grew up with, will diverge in interests and social circle when you get older. Friends drift apart at all stages of life not just in college. Family members do too. But friends can often drift back closer together again on the future, I have had it happen many times.
The friendship may not break apart completely but you may have to accept it will be less close than before, and that this is OK. There's nothing wrong with hanging out only once every couple of weeks as opposed to 2 or 3 times a week. And like I said, in future people can drift back closer together again.
Yes it does seem that Ally has been ditching you for her new set of friends. That sucks but don't you also have other friends to hang out with? If so then spend time and energy on them, then just keep sending occasional texts to Ally to see of she wants to meet up once in a while.
I think also it is the novelty of college and discovering the new world of theater and having new friends that has made her go overboard. I think after some time has passed and she has known them longer she may get a little bored with them eventually.
Also it is unfortunate that some times people really do not want to spend their time and energy on old friends and relationships. It isn't that they don't like you anymore just that their lives are too hectic and out of their control. That's sad but that's how it is.
I guess you should just accept that Ally is not as close to you anymore but that's OK, you can still be friends even though you're not as close. That's the beauty of friendships, they can be flexible and can change over time. You can and should also make more new friends.
My best friend and I have been best friends since we were 8 years old. We are now both 37 years old. We have always considered each other as sisters (we don't have biological sisters of our own). our closeness has drifted over time. We have grown into very different people with totaly different interests and totally different life experiences. we also now live in different continents though over the years there were periods of rime when we both lived in the same country for awhile. Sometimes we are not in touch for weeks on end. Certainly on a daily basis we are closer and more in tune to other people. But we still consider ourselves best friends in the sense that if anything happens we will drop everything in a heart beat for each other, no questions asked. And we always make time to check in with each other regularly. We still address each other by our "secret code names" that we made up for each other when we were 8 years old. So it is possible to sustain a friendship even when people's interests diverge a lot and you don't have much in common anymore. You just have to be flexible so you can keep people in your life when circumstances change and they change (or you change), don't write them off. Of course there has to be mutuality to it too. If Ally never bothers to keep in touch or respond to your efforts to stay in touch then the friendship will die but for now I don't see this happening, rather I see this as a time of transition where you are just finding a new normal for your friendship (which will change again over the years to come).
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, well you guys have been very insightful in making me realize the awful person that I am. I never intended to come across as blaming her for anything or being judgmental. I am not that kind of person (the drinking thing was just a concern because she is underage, a party she was at got busted and being charged with a minor is not good to have on your record, also drinking obscures decision-making and I wouldn't want her to put herself in any danger.)I would never EVER try to control her life or change her because she is one of my closest friends. I have not done a single thing or said a single word about this, she doesn't even know how I feel. I was just kind of sad and venting a bit but obviously I shouldn't have posted this in the way that I did. I'm sorry. Please know that I am not a petty person. Really I know it came across like that but please, I hate for you to think I'm someone I'm not. I try to be as nice as I can to everyone.But seeing as I don't know how to delete my post,I guess I'll just ask for no more responses, because these past responses were much harsher than I thought. I know I'm the one who provided the post and you're just doing your thing, but I'm just a person that doesn't handle it entirely well, I'm way more emotional about things than I should be. But I do want to thank you for reading and giving me advice, I do respect that.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (15 December 2013):
Well, I am afraid it DOES sound rather petty when it is put on paper.
Ally did not enroll in your college to keep you company, she did to pursue her education AND to live her college life and have fun as she thinks best. You knew she is more outgoing, " social butterfly " than you, so I don't even know why you expected that she would be content to just hang out with you guys ,no matter how much she likes you. Moreover, it's just a question of..maths, I'd say- if you have one friend and one hobby you can devote them lots of time and attention, if you have several friends and several hobbies, there's just more people and things to cram in one day and the old friends may get less time and attention than before. If they chose to see this as disloyalty or distance or coldness or whatnot, instead than as a simple fact of life ( people branch out, get involved in new relationships and pursuits )... that's up to them.
You would be right if as soon as she got in college Ally had gone AWOL on you totally- but , as of now, she is not " ignoring " you, she just somewhat cut down the time she spends with you - rather than eating together 3 times a week, it's down to one . Big deal. it's not that without Ally you'd eat alone, you still have your roommate. Btw, when you made fast friends with this roommate, you did not say " Oh no, I can't make new friends, Ally may not like them, or may feel neglected " right ? You seized the chance to make a nice new friend according to your tastes. So let Ally seize her chances in peace , and if you can, stop keeping score of how many lunches and how many movies etc. Live and let live, sayz I. Actually, that's the test of friendship, - if you still are happy to see each other, and have things to talk about, and still connect well even just seeing each other much less often ( so, not just out of habit, convenience, lack of alternatives... ) then your friendship works, regardless of different personalities and lifestyles. Yes, because that 's relevant too : you and Ally are different types. You are quiet, prefer having few selected friends, are not very social by choice. She is outgoing , likes to party, maybe likes to drink...If Ally should feel sad and neglected because you won't party and won't drink- would feel she is justified in feeling so, would you alter your habits and passtimes , and get drunk to fit in with hers ?... I don't think so ! If you think about, though, - that's what you are expecting from her- that she changes her preferences to suit yours.
Seek for what unites, not what divides- let Ally with her theatre people- and enjoy to the max that ( not much ) time which she can give you. And of course, nothing prevents you and your roommate from enlarging your circle of friends to include non-acting, non- drinking , compatible new friends.
That would be my preferred solution. Then again, if this is something that really bugs you, and if for being friends with a person you require that she devotes you a set amount of time and energy ( not saying that it would be wrong ; everybody has their own different personal opinions about that ) then.. talk to her. Tell her, you are friends aren't you ? tell her, Ally, I am happy that you are having a great time, but frankly I am a bit disappointed, I think that friends should be nore involved in each other's life " or something to that effect, and see if you can sort it out.
But, IMO , either you sort it out with her- or you just get over it. Silently brooding over Ally's neglect will be pointless, frustrating ... and will make you look a bit petty .
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2013): Read the following. It sounds judgmental and implies disapproval:
"I'm kind of regretting convincing her to come here."
Is to be interpreted that you're glad she's there?
"she is never concerned with her homework. She constantly slacks off and does it the morning of sometimes. So the fact that she was choosing homework over doing something fun just seemed totally out of place to me."
Is being called a slacker now considered a compliment? You and your roommate are now her overseers?
"She goes to parties with them and has almost started drinking. I feel that because of their "exciting" lifestyle, she now sees us as the boring friends."
She shouldn't be drinking? Why?
I don't think I'm the one going overboard here. I did take the time to read. The above comments are quotes from your own post. I call it as I see it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwoah woah woah, WiseOwlE. I think you took it a bit out of hand. I said multiple times in my post that I'm really happy for her. What did I say I didn't approve of? She's always been more sociable and had more friends. I've never had a problem with that. I was just saying that this time I feel she's pushed us away rather than including us along with her new friends. That's all. (plus, yea I had a 'head-start' but to this day, my only friend remains my roommate, so really I was pretty level with her when she started) I didn't mean her "welcome should be revoked", not at all. It's like a situation when someone gets a boyfriend or girlfriend and then ignores their other friends. I have no anger towards her or envy, I personally like having just a few friends. It's just hard when a friend you've grown with moves onto other people and seems to forget about you. I honestly did not know my post made me sound as bad as you put it. I'm sorry you saw it that way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2013): You had a head-start on Ally. When you arrived a year
in-advance; you had all the time in the world to get through the freshman experience. You chose your friends,
your major, and plotted your own academic career.
You did what you liked with whomever you wanted, with no whining from Ally. Now it's her turn to make her adjustments and form her own social-life.
You don't approve? Seriously!?
Just who do you think you are?
You sound like a petty high school girl jealous that her friend is more popular. Now you're sorry she was invited?
That's not very nice. In fact, she was accepted by the school; as you may recall.
You don't dominate her time, plan her schedules; choose her friends or activities. Therefore; her welcome should be revoked. Is that it?
She spent her year back home getting used to her independence. She is now at school, and she is growing up.
So, find some new friends like Ally did. It's up to her how she chooses to get through her college experience. She doesn't need two envious so-called friends holding judgement; and trying to figure out a way to dump guilt on her. There must be something special about her, to be so well-liked. To make you cherish her so much yourself.
Welcome to life as an adult. Be more sociable, and you'll make more friends like Ally. Real friends would be happy life is good for her. Let her worry about her academic performance. Everything you described is normal the first year.
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