A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am fortunate enough to be a young female starting my third year of college, and I'm currently in a relationship with someone who I truly care about. Not only do I love and trust my boyfriend more than anything, but he has also been my best friend for years. We know practically everything about each other, and we've discussed taking our relationship to the next level. There's no one else that I'd rather share such an intimate moment with, but fear is stopping me. I am still a virgin, so I'm not exactly experienced in this department. I have also never worn a tampon before. I believe that I have some sort of psychological fear of penetration and the pain that comes along with it. I'm also very self-conscious of my body, and I'm very concerned with the fact that my area "down there" is noticeably darker than the rest of my body. I think it looks disgusting and I can't wrap my mind around the fact that someone would actually want to go down there one day.I get so worried about this that I'll sometimes cry myself to sleep, or I'll start to experience anxiety attacks. Does anyone have any tips on how to make this process easier for me? There's not many things I want more right now (not to have sex, but to be able to let go and recklessly love like I want to.) Any feedback would be appreciated, thank you!
View related questions:
best friend, still a virgin, tampon Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 April 2013):
 I am glad to hear you're doing better. Do you still feel worried about your body and the way you look? Are you still feeling sad and have anxiety? Or has this also calmed down? I hope so.
Best of luck to you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to provide an update on this situation, I have since successfully been able to let go of my fears and have sex. I'm lucky to be with a guy who loves my body and loves me for who I am, and that makes it better for me every time. I won't lie, it took numerous attempts to loose my virginity because I was so tight/afraid, but my boyfriend tried as hard as he could to make me feel comfortable and to not make me think about any sort of pain. My first time is something I'm definitely glad i got over with, because now I see the process of having sex in a completely new light.
...............................
A
female
reader, AishaKapur  +, writes (30 September 2012):
I have a request from the girl who posted this question.I myself have been in this difficult situation since past many years.I wanted to know how have you been dealing with it after the response you got at this site from the members.And also any suggestions from your end if any.I am actually quite terrified with the whole process of having sex and I dont know why and how to deal with it.I have been in love with my boy friend for a few years now and although I have such phobia towards it,my boyfriend has been supporting me throughout these years and has never imposed it on me.I really want to get rid of this mental blockage I have and enjoy it with the person whom I love so dearly.Since my younger days I used to be afraid of it but now it seems that I have succumbed to that fear.I even have heard experiences from some other girls and the way they explained their first time made me more afraid of having sex.Although those girls are married for several years now and have also given birth to beautiful babies,the way they shared their first time was dreadful and that has affected me ever since.
...............................
A
male
reader, vospie  +, writes (14 May 2012):
 Really, you are suffering from what you've allowed to go crazy in your head, rather than anything that is REAL. Everyone is different and I, as a guy, love seeing what is different about girls' bodies. Your boyfriend will only admire everything about you and be fascinated; fact. He won't be anything but excited. Actually, he'll be more anxious about what his body looks like to you and how he is performing to even notices the intricacies of yours (but trust me, he will enjoy seeing you). Maybe you should see a counsellor but it'd be so much better if you just tried to let go of your phobia.
Do it slowly:
Step 1 - If he really is the man of your dreams (best friend, like you said) talk to him about your anxieties, even if it is just generally about your body. Ask him of his experiences. Find out what he likes about you so you can be sure that he really does like you (if you have doubts)
Step 2 - Before thinking about sex, you should have kissed, then taken off tops, then taken off bra, then had those areas kissed, caressed, etc, then taken off lower clothing, then taken off knickers. 'Chigirl' was right; do some studying of each others bodies. If you can do that and then
Step 3 - do some falatio and cunilingus, then you will naturally get closer to having sex. Even if the penetration thing is still a little bit there (lotsa girls everyone gets nervous about the 'pain' of the first time, you won't be cryig yourself to sleep about the unreasonable paranoias that are eating you up now.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (14 May 2012):
You sound like you have a near phobia when it comes to this. Or a very problematic relationship with yourself and your own body, the very least. If you can't love yourself then of course you're having a hard time believing, or accepting, that someone else will.
Have you talked to your boyfriend about these complexes of yours? They're all mental blocks though, mind you. None of this fear of yours comes from realistic expectations, they all come from a fear that you are creating in your mind. Everyone is darker down "there", it is natural. He has different skin tones down there as well. But you didn't alter it any way, so the way you naturally look IS natural AND how you are supposed to look. It is not disgusting, it is natural and healthy. But your complexes are twisting this into something it isn't. Just know that all this fear comes from inside of your head, and not from reality.
If you have the option you could try to see a professional psychiatrist. If that isn't an option to you then the best way to get over your fears and phobias is to FACE them. That means you and your boyfriend need to get naked and just have a good and close look at each other. No penetrations or anything needed the first few times, just get naked and have a look at each other.
Remember that sex is supposed to feel good. Not hurtful, painful, scary etc. Sex is good. Calming, relaxing, intimate, loving. Explore this good side of intimacy to get first hand experience with how it can be, as opposed to your irrational fears that come from your wild imagination.
A fear of penetration can on a subconscious level be a fear of intimacy, really. That you don't want your boyfriend close to you, or that near you. You don't want him to be a part of you. Perhaps because you are afraid to be attached to him, or lose him, or afraid that he will hurt you.
You can have sex without penetration, so explore that side of intimacy and sex before you move on to intercourse or fingering. Explore his body, and let him explore yours. Rub up against each other and so on. Use protection even if you aren't having intercourse, in case you rub up against each other and things get a little more hot and heavy than anticipated (who knows, you might get carried away and just do it in the moment of passion). Get on the pill and then you'll have one less thing to worry about.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2012): I think some seed of doubt was planted in your mind about sex and intimacy issues from a young age. Maybe you have a religious background where you were taught that sex is wrong or shameful. Or perhaps a friend/relative said or did something to start you down this way of thinking.
Either way, I see two solutions as possibilities:
You explain your fears to your partner and continue your relationship and see how things go. It might be that the reality is so much better than your fears, and that you will lay to rest any unwanted anxieties just through experience.
Or, you may benefit from seeing a professional consellor to discuss what led you to your current mind set, and hopefully get things in a different perspective.
I wish you a long and happy life of enjoyable intimacy and I hope that you can get things sorted.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 May 2012):
 Sounds like you could use a good counselor to talk to and perhaps in the mean time you can look up dysmorphic disorder.
http://www.pamguide.com.au/anxiety/bdd_test.php
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2009/demystifying-treatment-for-body-dysmorphic-disorder/all/1/
*hugs*
...............................
|
