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female
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anonymous
writes: A couple months ago, I was dating a guy that went well for the first 2 weeks (infatuation phase), and then we got physical (kissing, hj, fingering. no sex). I enjoyed it and felt that he sincerely liked me (although he seemed like the player type, but normally girls go after him, and he is actually putting effort to go out with me). We talked and said that we didn't want anything serious at the moment, just have fun and see what happens. That 3rd week, he goes on a date with another girl..and tells me that he is, and because this relationship wasn't serious in the first place, I was ok with it. But then I heard he got physical with her. And it really bothered me..and i felt i was playing second fiddle..so i told him over instant messaging "it was a pleasure going out with you", in a very blunt manner...and i was tired of not getting attention from him or feeling special. It hurt him, he was not expecting that at all. He intended on asking me out to an actual dinner the following week, but..of course, that never happened. During that whole phase, i learned i wasn't the type of girl who would hook-up for 2 weeks or be able to deal with a guy who was also hooking-up with other girls while with me. It just didn't make sense, if you are interested in me, why would you go out with someone else? I am so new to this dating scene...i don't know how it works! i'm just finding myself in this process...a month later, i started having feelings for him again, and i cannot stop thinking about him. I'm pretty sure he has moved on(i can tell from the conversations we have, that its apathetic and just ends with him going "ok, thats great"), but I don't feel like i have. I think its because he was the first guy whose ever given me this physical interaction. I think that in order for me to move on, I need another guy on my mind. But it's so difficult because i still feel i have this physical connection with him! But the reason why I left him was because I THOUGHT thats all he wanted. How can I move on from this???I really don't want him on my mind anymore..thank you for your help!!
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female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (15 May 2008):
Just because he was going to ask you to be his gf doesnt mean he wasnt in it for the sex or wasnt going to use you. I know many guys who date a girl and if she wont put out because they arent commited or serious, the guy will be like 'hey will you be my gf???' just in the hope that that will make them look like they are serious, serious enoguh for the girl to allow him into her pants.
So you should still be wary.
In my opinion, you deserve better then this guy, you both have such different values, beliefs and wants in a realitonship.
Plus you said you are going away to college. I think you should do something for YOU!! Put college first. You ahve the rest of your life to meet guys and find a awesome bf. But right now, whats important is college.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionToday, I found out from a close friend of mine that 3 seconds before i ended it, he was going to ask me out (be his gf). I'm pretty sure from there he would have whipped into boyfriend mode. He is just really really hurt from the situation, but he still likes me. and I still like him, but not sure if i want to give it another shot.He's coming to my school prom (doesn't come to my school), and his grad night is the same day as mine. I do want to have one dance with him, but wonder if he will see it as a restart of our last "relationship". This is so confusing...its so difficult to figure out what I actually want from this.I'm going to college this fall too, and should a relationship spark, I do not want to have a bf to worry about in college..but i still like him!! and he's hiding his feelings from me (he talks to my close friend and also tells her that he still has a thing for me).
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A
female
reader, happytochat +, writes (14 May 2008):
As another posted suggested, due to no clear closure, this will be making it incredibly harder for you to get him out of your head. Part of you is thinking 'hmm maybe he wanst that bad, maybe he wasnt really a playa...' and the other part of you believes he was a playa.
Take it from everyone here, who is giving a objective view, where our emotions for this guy are not geting in the way...he was a playa :(
I am sorry you fell victim to this. Its a hard thing to go through but you will come out at the other end!!!
You asked why would he go out with someone else if he really liked you? Well this guy isnt the type of guy who likes someone for who they are, they like girls for the sex they may offer them. So once they get it, or realise they arent going to get it, or someone else who is easier comes along, they forget about you.
Its pretty hurtful hey???
Just remember that just because this guy didnt show interest in you and all your wonderful qualities im sure you have, it doesnt mean you dont have them!! beause you do! he just wants someone who will sleep with him.
Note for next time- a guy who isnt ready to commit, but wants to sleep with you or do sexual things, is pretty suss. Take it slow next time. Dont get serious sexually if you arent serious in other parts of the realationship. Leave that all to last. Allow a trust and commitment to first be built. That way you will be safe :)
As for moving on from him....welll...
Allow yourself to cry and be angry for a period of time. But this could go on forever so at some point in time you have to tell yourself that you wont allow him to control your life anymore. After you feel you have had enough time for moping around your house and so on...start doing more things, keep busy...find something new in life to focus on and realy be excitd about. I dont suggest this be a guy. You need to have something mroe in life to aim for then guys.
Then in time, a good guy will come along :)
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A
male
reader, Undisclosed  +, writes (14 May 2008):
 I know you THOUGHT that’s all he wanted, but that IS all he wanted: The Conquest. Things are over between the two of you. He’s moved on and now it’s your turn. Dwelling on this guy is simply not fair to your future bf who would quite frankly like to meet you today rather than have to wait. You will be “blind” until you move on.
So how do you move on?
[Easy] First recognize that you’re a wonderful person and a great catch (and you are).
[Easy] Second think about what you want from a relationship. Is it an intimate meaningful relationship? Whatever it is, it is what you deserve and what you are looking for.
[Not as easy] Third recognize that guys are wonderful, especially those around you. If something isn’t good, wonderful or appealing to you, you simply won’t want it. You have to believe this despite this last player and open your eyes to new opportunities. Who would want to meet someone that they will believe will inevitably hurt them? There are A LOT of wonderful guys and when you believe in them, you will see more and more of them. Stop believing in players. Guys are great.
[Easy] Fourth make yourself open to meeting guys. Be friendly and inviting. Anything less (hung up on an ex, bitchy, anti-social) is seen as a closed door to guys and we understandably won’t walk through it. Smile and make eye contact :-)
Wonderful guys will take care of the rest. The opposite sex is always extremely talented at making you think about them once you’ve caught their eye. You will have another guy on your mind sooner than you think and it will consume all your thoughts. Please have the courtesy of hurrying as your future bf is waiting.
Two last points: First, you were NEVER going to have the relationship you wanted with this last guy. Players by their natures wad in the swallow levels of relationships and move on quickly to ride the little pleasures that come at this level. Things between the two of you are absolutely over and NOTHING was going to come of it. Second, your future bf is waiting for you so the two of you can begin experiencing the more fruitful pleasures that only come from a meaningful relationship with depth. That’s an exciting thought about what the future holds.
All the best!
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A
male
reader, PeterPan  +, writes (14 May 2008):
 Oops! Forgot one more thing: if you're sure this guy was a playa, then it was better in the long run to be away from that.
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A
male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (14 May 2008):
Well, it's clear that you need to COMPLETELY move on from him. As I was saying in another answer, sometimes you don't get a clean, clear end to relationships (you don't get something you can point to and say "A ha! That's the reason we split!!" -- in effect you don't get closure).
So, your big issue might be this lack of clear closure. But, the thoughts of this guy will fade with time... and even faster if you start dating somebody else. There will be more guys to come your way. You probably don't need a replacement to distract you. You simply have to find something else to concentrate on. What that might be is up to you.
That's about the best I can do. Maybe somebody else can help you out some more.
Best wishes!!
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