A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,This isn't an easy thing, but here it goes.I have been with my girlfriend for a few years now, started in high school. As we've grown and changed, I'm seeing differences that can't be solved between us. Things are slowly, but surely dying between us. Most likely for the best though, since there is rarely any pleasent feelings there (now mostly bitterness and resentment). Enough about here though.. here's the next part. Over the past few years, I've grown to really adore her "sister-in-law". There is no blood relation, niether is there a strong family bond. BUT, there is a decently strong connection between them. For the first year, I was really just trying to supress any feelings for the sister. I was focused on my current relationship, but that's no longer the case.Over the past 6 months, I have fallen COMPLETELY in love with her. I have the most pleasent dreams of her, and savor every moment I can spend around her. I especially feel strange about this, because I can't tell ANYONE. Yet I feel she's sending so many "deep" signs, that other's wouldn't notice. There is a strange understanding between us, a feeling of a deeper, unseen level of communication going on. Such as having a HUGE impact on her thoughts, values, and the way she views the world. She has always really valued my opinion, more than others it seems. She will notice small things, and always let me know she's noticing them (i do the same in return). She really seems to trust me, and over time have adopted "my ideal future, place to live, way to live, ect". She makes it apparent (at least it would seem) that she shares my future goals. It is constantly brought up about how close our perspective is on almost everything. She has the character, confidence, and values I'm longing for. It seems she trys to impress me when around others, which even my gf noticed (however, there are never any CLEAR signals she's feeling).Obviously you can see why neither of us could give any crystal clear signal, since neither of us could really know what the other's feeling. I have been really persuing the answer for a month now. From what I can see, it would seem she DOES have some feelings for me. Whether they are a close "friend" feeling, or an unseen love feeling, I can't tell. I read a heap on body language, and she definetly feels open and comfortable with me. She does have an interest in me. Now.. I am almost on the verge of ending it with my current girlfriend, which has been building for too too long. And whether I can have the one I want or not, I am leaving my current girlfriend. I wanted to tell her sister what I've really felt about her, and really tell her how much I appreciate and absolutly adore her. How even if she won't go for me, I want to thank her for showing me what a girlfriend/partner COULD be. For the time being though, I really need some advice on how to figure all this out. I simply can't be with my girlfriend, and secretly love her sister. It's hurting me so badly, eating at me, destroying me. I need this out of me - this was a good place to start.Thank you for any responses (sorry it's long, but it's complicated ;))
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2008): REPLY BY POSTER
So.. I have broken up with my girlfriend, and her sister is still my friend.. and still talking to me almost daily..
Now where do I go from here? :S
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): Thanks for both answers so far.
I will clarify this - She is just a little younger than me, and single. I have thought alot about how I'd bring this all up, and I'd definetly have to end the current relationship first. I'm thinking about asking the sister if we can still keep in touch, since I wouldn't be around after the breakup.
I have been thinking about the best way to end this all, and hopefully get out alive. :S
It's just kind of hard ending old habits, especially when there is some attachment there (though, not enough to keep me much longer). I'm building courage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): You should break up with current girlfriend, and do not pursue her sister, that would just be out and out wrong. Two no nos, are going after her family and friends.
good luck.... try finding a girl that you really like and when introduced to the sister think of her as your future sister... (o.0)
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A
female
reader, HelpfulHeart  +, writes (28 July 2008):
Hello there,
Firstly I think you need to resolve the issues with your girlfriend. If you want to end the relationship then I think it is best to do so as soon as possible. There is never a good time to end things but it sounds like you have made the decision and have thought a lot about it.
Do you think your feelings for the other woman have made you reassess your relationship with your girlfriend? For example would everything be okay with your relationship if you hadn't developed feelings for someone else? If this is the case I think you should work on the issues with your girlfriend if you still love her and try and reduce or sever the contact you have with the other woman.
Your girlfriends sister in law is a married woman so there is another person (and perhaps children?) involved who hasn't been mentioned. I think you need to either tell this woman how you feel and give her the option of ending the marriage and embarking on a relationship with you (which won't be an easy process) or sever all contact with her (unless you can remain platonic friends) and move on (which I am sure you will be able to in time).
I know how hard it is to feel so in love with someone who you just can't have. I feel that if things are meant to be, then they will be. If you are meant to be with this lady you will meet again in the future.
Good luck with whatever you decide :-)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2008): It's not all that complicated from my point of view, but I'm assuming that the sister-in-law is young free and single - if she's not you'd do well to stay well clear until or unless she is.
First off, you end the relationship with your current girlfriend, but stay in touch with her sister-in-law provided that she doesn't ostracise you after you end your relationship.
If anything is going to happen in the future regarding the two of you getting together it will be a progressive process, probably a friendship developing into a relationship. Don't be too eager to get rid of one woman and start with another. Allow some time in between, say a month or two.
If the sister-in-law is as keen on you as you are on her, I'm sure she'll let you know. You have to accept the possibility that she sees you in a completely different light to how you see her, and that she might be looking at you as someone to confide in rather than be with in a romantic way.
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