A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Alright, i'm so totally confused I need to ask for help - and help from males as well as females would be appreciated!My fiance says he's into D/s with me being the submissive, and says he hates dominant women, but sometimes when we're having sex, he'll say that we're "playing games" and get me to do things like hold his balls, insult him, spank him etc.I'm a very shy person, with an anxiety disorder, and even though we've been together nearly 4 years, I worry about being out of my comfort zone - submissive and obedient - during sex. I don't want to do the whole femdom and he knows it.I've tried talking to him about it but sometimes he starts doing it during sex, I mean, I don't want to insult him but...He says he doesn't like femdom, and he loves controlling me which is what I love, but then he still wants to do things like that.I see him looking up "mistress" online and femdom images and it just really upsets me because I can't be like that, and I feel in the wrong for saying no.Why would he not want to be dominant with me all the time? I really don't like femdom but it's a big thing for him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2009): hi, not sure if this qualifies as 'help from males' as i'm a submissive gay male, but..you really don't like this happening, it's simply not you, it doesn't feel natural and it's causing a problem. You say you've tried talking to him about it, but did u make your feelings clear? In my limited experience so far, it seems men can be selfish if there's a communication problem, and will do what comes most naturally to them unless you clearly tell them otherwise. If his instinctive desires aren't compatible with yours, you may need to look elsewhere. You want, need and deserve to be controlled and dominated by a man, to be obedient and submit to your man. It's the ultimate sex thrill, and if your current man is not providing you with that, I think you should go and get one who will. I don't know if this is good advice, but I've just tried to honestly call it as i see it. I really hope it all works out for u. Take care
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2009): Men like variety when It comes to sex...and lots of masculine men enjoy what you described here.
I understand how you feel...I am not into being dominant either. But funny thing with my ex was the more I fell out of love with him...the easier it was to hurt him! He loved every minute of it...but it wasn't I game for me anymore...it was anger and retaliation for his abuse towards me!
Some men are very sexually selfish! And if you step back and take a look at it...he is always dominating you! He is manipulating you into taking the role he wants you to take! He has total control over the situation, even though he is playing the submissive. Does that make sense?
If he is unwilling to respect your wishes and ideas regarding this, maybe it is time to find someone who will!
Britt
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (11 May 2009):
 I believe that at times (and with someone you totally trust and love) it's a good thing to overstep some limitations. When it comes to sex it has to be small steps, and you BOTH have to be comfortable with it.
I also believe that it IS ok to NOT want to do certain things. Someone "forcing" the issue is making things worse. It means you have one person in the relationship NOT enjoying the sex. So what is the point? Know what I mean? Sex should be for the enjoyment, excitement and exploration of BOTH paties, not just one.
It is NOT wrong to say no. To say I'm not comfortable with that.
What if he wants to bring a GOAT into the sex? ( Yeah I know that is extreme but makes it easier to make my point). We all have our limitations.
You ask WHY he doesn't want to be dominant with you. But don't you get it? Making you do things you don't want to is a control/dominant issue.
You need to be clear and honest about your turn on's and turn off and he needs to respect you.
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