A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, I am new to this so please bare with me... first thank you for readin and sorry if it's really long. My husband and I have been married for nearly 3 years... initially it was really difficult as we used to live with his parents however now we have our own place... issue is about our sexual and romantic life... before when we living with his parent he would always make excuses about not having sex because of the noise and uncomfortableNess of it being his parent house and we would very seldom have sex but the excuses are also being made now we have our own place... Prior to marriage we use to be very sexual and would have sex anywhere however as soon as we got married things began to change... He never want to have sex nor any format of physical connection... when i touch him he clearly gets hard but he either turns over and says hes tired or pretends to sleep or he just says quickly just wank me off.. he asks me do u want some so i say yes and he sighs and then quickly sticks his finger in there with no real passipon to please me... he never kisses me or hugs me or to the point where he doesn't even like holding hands anymore... I raised this quite a few times its always the same.. I just don't want to or feel like it or I don't enjoy hugging or kissing... it's getting to the point where I don't actually have any connectIon with him physically anymore....I constantly ask him for a kiss or a hug esp when we on the couch.. he'll roll his eyes and then give me a kiss which is quite upsetting for me... I know he isn't cheating as there are no signs of it (and trust me I have looked) I have tried so hard to talk about it but he juat brushes it off and rolls his eyes and walks off... Unless I ask for intimacy or physical connection he never gives it to me and sad he doesn't love like that... when I asked him how does he love then he said I don't know... I just don't do it via that... I said we'll I do so surely you'd want to please me and he was like nah not really...I don't understand what is happening or why... it's been going on for around 2 years but I've always took the role of making it funny and pretending it didn't bother me... but actually it really does
View related questions:
kissing, says he's tired Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2020): Well women having babies and gaining a little weight is actually normal . Being in the women’s health industry I can assure you that some weight gain is actually normal with each child and as we get older . I’m not talking about large amounts of weight but a couple kilos . A thirty or forty year old woman is not supposed to weight what a twenty years old woman weighs! Also if a woman develops body dysmorphiq this is not a CHOICE this is a psychiatric condition that should be taken seriously and need medical and therapeutic intervention
To compare this to a mans CHOICE to dispreapect his partner and allow his sex drove to be destroyed by overuse of porn is completely incredible
To say women are being self righteous and to compare this natural and or psychiatric conditions to men’s selfish choices is incredibly sexist ... but that is the world we live in . One where men are given a pass and any woman who dares to challenge it is told that women have issues and that childbirth , normal changes that can happen to women such as aging or small weight gains are equal and good reason for men bad behaviour
OP it sounds like your partner may be over indulging in porn . It seems unlikely he is gay or not interested as yoh say he responds . Perhaps ask him directly and then if you get nowhere insist on counselling . If he won’t do that with you I’d seriously consider leaving . Life is way too short to go without a physical relationship
I’ve seen men write In here many times saying their partners won’t have sexual and often they are told to tell the woman they won’t an open relationship of age won’t ‘give him sex ‘ . However somehow when it comes to men everyone seems to put on their kid gloves and treat them so carefully . It always always seems to fall on the woman regardless of the fact that nine times out of ten it’s the men who ruin the relationship and desire for their partners through constant indulging in porn to the point that all they want is some fake bimbo and a real woman is not something they feel is good enough for them .
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2020): It's clear your husband had no interest in having a true marriage with you. At least not the type of marriage you want and need. It seems your husband was putting on some kind of act while You were dating. Now that you are married he feels no need to keep up the charade. You have wasted at least three years. Cut your loses and move on. Find someone who wants to be with you in the way you deserve.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2020): Cheating or not. Clearly he does not love you. Why continue on in a loveless marriage.
What misery!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2020): You've repeatedly tried talking to your husband, and he doesn't seem concerned about the state of your marriage. It's not a marriage without affection, warmth, and intimacy. You're just roommates. If you can't even talk about it, what's there to do?
It's a harsh reality, but all long-term relationships have lag-periods; or reach a plateau and decline in intimacy. There is a phase in complacent-domestication that we become content, lazy, and somewhat blase. You're not unhappy, you're comfortable. Life is just routine and a bit "meh!" You get bored, or too used to your sex-partner; sometimes to the degree it's either predictable, or occasionally you just need a way to relieve yourself sexually. People do get bored having the same partner; if they were really promiscuous or very sexually-active during the single-phase of their lives. That isn't written in stone, but it's fairly common.
You should never dismiss the changes brought-on by aging, uneven sex-drives, undetected medical-disorders, and emotional-scarring left by verbal-abuse during arguments that have gotten out of hand. On the average, a man's testosterone levels drop after the age of 32; but healthier active-men tend to maintain their virility and vitality well into old-age. Men who indulge in porn will never admit it; because they won't give it up, but it does affect their ability to maintain normal desire towards their real-life partners. If you're masturbating two or three times a day in-secret; don't lie and pretend it won't dry you up and lessen your sex-drive. It's ludicrous to believe you can wank two or three times a day, and still have lots of semen and sexual-energy left when you're pushing 40. Even when you're a teenager, or in your 20's, too much manual-manipulation will desensitize you to some degree. No sense in lying about it!
There are guys who don't lose their sex-drive and passion for their partners; but those are usually the guys who don't use porn on a frequent basis. Those who truly love and appreciate their sex-partners. Provided there are no medical-maladies, surgeries, injuries, or psychological-issues that may occur to cause temporary or permanent impotency. Otherwise, they won't allow anything else to get in the way of his being his partner's prized stud-muffin. They will try to fix it at any cost!
The selfish-types come-up with lies and excuses. They will avoid and deflect any discussion. They've figured-out a creative way to cheat. They please their roving-eyes and urges through fantasy, by turning to the internet. Ultimately, their interest in sex with their partner declines. That means their regular (daily) habit of masturbating to porn is too strong to quit. They're bored or tired of their normal sex-lives; and have found an alternative apart from actually cheating with other women.
Hold-up!!! No need to get self-righteous ladies! Women can be the same. Their sex-drive takes a dive or a curve too!!! In some cases, they may have a few kids, they gain a little extra-weight and develop body-image dysmorphia; and suddenly without any explanation, will become totally disinterested in sex. They might find a battery-operated friend who never fails to please! Sometimes they just hate their partner's lousy love-making technique. They become frustrated with his total disinterest or clumsiness in foreplay, his lack of agility and staying-power to bring-on an orgasm; or he's so sloppy that he's just plain gross! But you love him, God bless him! How do you explain any of this to your partner??? Some guys never show affection until they want sex; or they're buttering you up, because he's been up to something. You'll know intuitively, if you know your mate! We become attuned and perceptive based on little clues, giveaways, and familiar-cues they display.
Total loss of passion between two healthy young vibrant people in a marriage is more likely to happen to people who have never really forged a strong bridge of intimacy between them to begin with. They corrode their marriage over time by fighting, loss of trust, finding fault, belittling each other, yielding to a host of unmanaged insecurities, and power-struggles. They were always a mismatched-set, but somehow found common-ground; but their differences and incompatibilities become apparent and start to surface as time passes. Incompatibility always gets worse with stress.
Society and our parents place a lot of pressure on us as adults to settle-down, get married, and proliferate the species. Bowing to demands to prove you're "normal;" most people bow to the pressures and do just that. You settle-down, get married, and that's that. If your heart isn't in it; then telltale signs will start to surface. Sometimes it's not all that complicated. Domestic-life can become so complacent or mundane; that you'll become so content that all your passions and ambitions become dormant. You just go with the flow, and nothing much stimulates you. For some people, their partners are just tolerable and necessary. If you get absolutely no sign of reciprocation along the lines of affection or devotion. Your marriage is in very serious trouble. Especially, when there is no bridge of communication to fix it. That's sometimes an indication your partner wants out. Some turn to marriage-counseling to at least bridge the gap in communication. It has to be a joint-effort. He has to want to fix it as much as you do. He may love you, but he no longer enjoys sex (which may be a combinations of reasons); but stating the reason or reasons aloud may be impossible for him. Maybe counseling will help, but you can't force a person to want sex. It's something that has to come natural.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2020): He does not enjoy sex.He tricked you.When you dated he acted like he enjoyed sex,you were duped.Divorce him get a man who will be honest with you and not trick you.He has big problems.Sorry no fixing this.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2020): Your relationship is in serious trouble.
It sounds like he won't communicate what the issue is at all. As long as he refuses to communicate it is not going to get solved.
I wonder, is it possible that you hurt him at some point in your relationship, and that this deeply hurt feeling is causing him to pull back? I ask because it seems like his desire IS there for you (he gets hard at your touch), but he forces himself to turn away. Does he think you were in love with someone else, or did you make a comment that could be interpreted as critiquing his performance in bed?
I would sit him down and ask him, in all seriousness, if you have ever hurt him in the past.
You may well need to go to martial counselling together. If he refuses to communicate, you should give him an ultimatum of getting counselling or you leaving.
Is another possibility that he is actually homosexual? And maybe repressed it in your earlier years? Have you been able to have a look at his computer history? What kind of porn does he watch-- maybe this will reveal something. I am assuming he does watch porn, as certainly many men do.
There could be other possibilities too, like he is afraid that he has E.D. and he won't perform well. Or he might be afraid if he cheated on the past that he'll give you an std. But this is just crazy speculating I am doing.
All we really know is that something is VERY wrong and NOT NORMAL behaviour. HE is the only person who truly knows why.
If he doesn't communicate, you need to end this loveless marriage.
...............................
|
