A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I know this is a delicate topic but I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years now - she used to be a UK Size 16-18 which I had no issue with whatsoever but she has been gradually gaining weight and now is around a 24/26 and I must admit I no longer feel attracted to her so we have not been having sex much maybe once a month now.I feel a terrible person for thinking this way as I love her very much and I am battling my eyes vs my heart on a daily basis. I have always kept myself at an average weight (13 stone 4lbs 6ft 2). I have tried to talk to her about it from a health stand point and more bluntly but all she says is that she will lose weight when she is ready to and that I should love her no matter what size (love is not the issue) she only seems bothered briefly by any comments I make. She told me to stop commenting about what she is eating as it was annoying her so I did but that doesn't make a difference either She does not seem to be depressed so I don't get what to make of it I just get frustrated as I don't understand why you would just let yourself keep putting on weight which is then more difficult to lose. She has attempted several diets that last a few days and I just worry when does it stop for her, another stone? 2? It does not help that my friends/parents who don't see her that often will comment on her weight gain when they do see her. Where do I go from here? If the shoe was on the other foot and she commented about me if I gained weight then yes it would hurt as expected but then I would think oh well shes not wrong and try my best to do something about it. Does this mean she doesn't care about my feelings or is it just her personality? I can assure anybody reading this that I don't expect a woman to be super skinny I simply think that we have a duty in a relationship male or female to stay within reasonable size to what we were when we met excluding health problems etc. Any thoughts?? p.s I am 28 my gf is 25
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (28 December 2017):
 I couldn't agree more with the female anon about weight loss. It can be incredibly difficult to lose weight and those who can do it just by eating less, exercising and willpower are very lucky - often not realising how lucky they are. It's infinitely more difficult when you have mental health issues, health problems that interfere with weight loss and/or increase the likelihood of weight gain.
I have polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) and it's notorious for weight fluctuation, particularly weight gain or reducing weight loss. I've struggled with it for years and have yet to find anything that helps me lose weight consistently. I always gain more than I can lose and it's been impossible to keep up.
There are several health conditions that mean any attempt at weight loss requires professional assistance and/or a complete diet overhaul. If you imagine running a race and the track just keeps getting longer, falling at several hurdles and frequently being pushed back, you'd struggle to keep finding the motivation to continue. It's a constant battle for a fair majority of overweight and obese people, so don't assume it's a simple process.
If you aren't happy with her how she is, that's okay, but your attraction/love is conditional and she's not the one for you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2017): I love it how so many people think it’s so easy to ‘just’ lose weight! If that were the case no one would be obese! She has a lot to lose so it probably feels like a huge task and every time she fails at a diet she feels more rubbish about herself and embarrassed that she’s let you down again. Not that I’m saying she shouldn’t try, just that when a person feels crap about themselves they don’t have the motivation to make the huge lifestyle changes you are asking of her. So you’ll need to approach this differently.
Because trust me she does want to lose the weight. The things she says are just a front because she doesn’t want to admit she’s struggling to do what you’re asking. It sounds so easy to people who’ve never struggled with their weight. Just eat less. Work out. But for someone to go up that many dress sizes in such a short time, there’s no doubt she’s got issues with food that are going to be tougher to break than with simple willpower. She’s very likely suffering with food addiction which might require professional help.
Nagging her about it won’t work either. In fact it might make it worse. You see a woman’s value is completely tied to her looks in our culture, much like a man’s sexual prowess is. So a better comparison would be if you couldn’t satisfy her sexually. Imagine you couldn’t last long enough for her or maybe even get it up at all. And imagine if she continually brought it up. Kept asking what you were doing about it and monitoring your habits to see if you were doing anything to sabotage your progress. Suggesting that your failure to fix it suggested you don’t care about her sexual satisfaction. But still reassuring you that she loved you.
Do you think you’d find it easier to overcome your issues under that sort of pressure or harder? Do you think you’d hear the ‘I still love you’ part of what she said, or would your mind be consumed by the part where you’re continually letting her down? Because that’s probably how she’s feeling now. And after that, every gentle or new attempt to help her will be taken as another dig. Another blow to her confidence.
Look you sound like a nice guy and I’m not saying how you are feeling is wrong. Not at all. But I think your approach is. It’s very easy for people who don’t know what it’s like to say ‘if she loved you she’d do something about it’, but if she can’t even find the strength to do it for herself then it won’t help. You can’t beg, plead or shame her into action here. She needs more than that. She needs proper support, maybe even from a professional to overcome her food issues before she’ll get anywhere.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2017): This is very delicate territory. A woman's feelings are tied to her appearance, and how she is perceived by others. The conditioning females receive from a girl to womanhood, is that their appearance is directly correlated to her appeal; and her weight determines her value and her success in attracting men.
That's the double-standard set according to gender! Society and the beauty-industry cruelly reinforce this mindset with constant brainwashing. Constantly reminding us with visual-comparisons. Setting unreasonable standards. So when you bring-up health as the issue, it's quickly dismissed. Being honest, it's not health as much as her sex-appeal.
Whether it hurts or not, the reality is that to some degree it is true. You can debate the evils of superficiality and vanity; but men are visual-creatures. Yes, you are going to hear feminist-arguments against the pressures men create; and how we perceive and objectify women. Unless you're a lesbian, it matters what men think about women sexually!
The fact remains, straight-women want to attract a man; and they want to keep him. They expect certain physical-criteria and character-traits that turns them on; so don't be hypocrites. If you wonder why he doesn't want you anymore and he has told you, but you dismiss what he says. Then be prepared to handle the consequences. There will be consequences. Just like when he isn't romantic or affectionate; he will lose what he's got. Take nothing for granted.
We can accept you as you are; and equally have the right not to! There are health reasons for good nutrition and proper eating habits. Having a good physique (normal-slimness) is surely a sign of good-health and good eating-habits. "Skinny" is not. It's just the other end of the spectrum. It's also the word used in exaggeration and exasperation in defense of being over-weight; which isn't healthy, regardless of age or gender. Health isn't pushed as hard as appearance and vanity!
Weight-shaming is cruelty and nothing but prejudice; and has nothing to do with health, attraction, or real concern. You have your class of assholes who feel their opinions are most effective; if served through snark and delivered with venom. Their crass opinions don't matter! In this world, or in hell where they all belong! They come from a dark-place. For you, that isn't the case. You love her, regardless!
Chances are, she has an addiction to sugar and sweets. Unhealthy snacking. She may otherwise eat a healthy-diet; but cutting-down on sweets and sugar is hard. I workout, I eat healthy, but sweets are my weakness. My high-metabolism will allow for some indulgence; but I notice the love-handles when I've gone too far!
That means more work at the gym, and more abstinence. Fruits and nuts seem to curb my cravings. You have to avoid fast-food for lunch; and regulate calories by bringing your own food to work. Beer likes to sit on the belly, ice-cream makes cellulite/ripples, and cake/cookies/bread likes to attach to the hips and thighs. Enjoy them as rewards and simple-pleasures. Not as staples for your daily diet-intake.
You are supposed to love your mate unconditionally. There is some misguided-perception that means they can turn into "Java the Hut;" and they still look sexy. The penis knows what he likes. He refuses to work if the brain doesn't send him the right visuals. To a guy who likes his women with extra-weight, it's his turn-on. If your partner initially developed physical-chemistry based on normal and average weight; that was part of the sexual-appeal and visual-attraction that drew them to you. Your mind adapts to aging and change; but not to the extremes. Just letting yourself go says something about you too! Laziness, careless diet, and gluttony.
I don't care how you try to rationalize it, bulk in the wrong places just isn't sexy. On certain body-parts, it can be gross. Lets face it! Men with beer-guts and pot-bellies shouldn't be so hard on women! Guys who shape like a small-case "b;" but expect their women to shape like an "8!" Seriously?!!
It's not easy to tell the love of your life she (or he) isn't sexy; because of "excess fat." It's just not nice, and it's too hurtful. It would hurt my feelings! Not for vanity reasons; but to feel I've disappointed my lover. To think I could turn him off! That he would have it in his heart to say it out-loud! Ouch! On the other-hand, I appreciate honesty and directness from my lover. I know what he suggests comes from the right place. I want to please him. He tries to please me in every way he can.
As we get older, we expect a little pudginess and weight-gain. During child-bearing years, for those who want to have healthy-children and pregnancy with no complications; you watch what you eat, and how much. You also want a man around. So it matters! To dismiss his feelings and what he likes about you, is just as bad. He has sensitivities and desires too! He is turned on or off by what he sees! What women don't like about themselves; doesn't always match what men are turned-off by. That's where they consistently miss the boat. By trying to think like, or for us! Even worse, by mind-reading!!!
Please stay sensitive. Don't impose diets on her. Encourage her to go to the gym with you. Keep healthy food and snacks around the house. Don't chastise or humiliate her for snacking. That causes shame; which leads to anxiety-eating. You have to increase physical-activity together. Go walking, cycling, running, swimming, and dancing. She needs more activity! You should do whatever you expect her to do. You can't sit or lie around the house, and expect the pounds to melt-off. Get-out and move! Together as a couple!
It's partially your fault; if you don't take her anywhere! Men don't retain water-weight, menstruate, or gain pregnancy-pounds. It takes less activity for us to drop weight; because of testosterone. We have more muscle-mass. So be realistic.
I hate to say this. Before you hurt and emotionally destroy someone for their size. It would be better that you move on and find somebody else. If they don't want to change, and you're turned-off by the extra-weight; there is no kind way to coerce or to inspire them to lose weight. They have to see the honesty as constructive-criticism. You can't force it on them; then that means your love IS conditional!
So it is better to "weigh" the pros and cons. Listen to your heart; and learn to accept them as they are. Your option is always open to end the relationship and move on. Let them then decide for themselves. If gaining and keeping on extra-weight is worth what they could lose? Rather than dropping the extra-weight. Then hating the new "slimmer" girlfriend or boyfriend. With a golden-personality to go with it!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2017): You don't have to be politically correct all the time man. If you're not attracted to her then you're not attracted to her. What's more important? Fact or feelings? If she's not ready to drop a few pounds to make herself look presentable to you but you would do the same to keep her happy, then there's a fundamental difference in how much you mean to each other. It is then a personality issue. If lack of attraction is not a legitimate reason to not be with someone, I don't know what is. There is no shame in feeling the way you do.To deny these thoughts would be more sinister. As for her part, lose weight when she's ready? That makes little sense. If she's too lazy to do it now, how ready do you think she'll be after gaining another 20 pounds?
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (21 December 2017):
 First of all, you're not shallow. She wasn't model-rack thin when you met her, so you don't have to prove that you're not a shallow guy.
Second of all, DO NOT FEEL guilty that her fast weight gain has caused you to become less attracted to her. This isn't about the passage of time. This isn't about maintaining an unrealistic body standard either. You're not expecting her to go under the knife or get breast implants or become a slave to appearance either.
She is also talking out of both sides of her mouth as well when she says she'll "lose weight when she's ready", but has tried a few diets (fad diets never work!) and then quits after a couple of days.
She also said that you should love her "no matter what size" she is. You're right again! She's not entitled for you to be physically attracted to her at any size, especially if it's happening fast.
I looked up UK sizes and differences in pounds to go up a dress size, and the answers vary by body type, but the consensus is usually 10-15lbs per size. So let's say 12 lbs here. Did she go up about 72lbs in 3 years? That could happen! And it would be scary. That's like a little over 5st. That is significant in 3 years, and I would be nervous too. Metabolisms don't tend to go higher with age.
Right now, she is resistant to anything you're saying. You are of average weight, so are you eating in front of her? Are you two doing things like dance class, or skiing, or doing physical hobbies together? That would be a cool thing to do, and natural! Yoga, skiing, dancing, running, bowling, hiking, biking, going to art galleries and doing things that require walking and adventuring rather than sitting, eating, and sleeping.
It is tough to talk about weight loss with her if you come to see her and you both "Netflix and chill" all the time, or go have dinner together constantly, or sit and watch TV or do something else involving food or resting. Get more active! Go on dates that don't include eating! If they must have a dinner, then YOU pick a healthy place. Don't just say "I don't know, where do you want to go" all the time like I know you're doing.
The diets don't work because the lifestyle and the culture needs to change. "UNWIND" has to be more than just kicking back in an easy chair. So go out and do something new and physical with her. But if she brings up weight or eating, BE HONEST with her. Tell her that she values honesty in relationships, and that her weight gain is tough for you to handle. Don't let her down easy and say "I love you no matter what" even though I know you do. Just tell her "I know you're ready to lose weight, or you wouldn't be trying these diets. Let me join you in this!" and make a healthy turn in your own eating!
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (21 December 2017):
I can understand where you are coming from and I really do sympathise as you sound like a lovely caring guy, but I actually think repeatedly trying to talk to her about this might be making the problem worse.
Weight gain and loss is a complex thing OP. It’s very rarely about simple greed unfortunately - rather there are often complex emotional reasons why people consistently overeat, and often food is being used to fill a void somewhere else in the person’s life. So although it might sound like you are making a simple request that she’s choosing to ignore, she might well be fighting an intense internal battle that you know nothing about.
I went through the exact same thing with my ex boyfriend. I went through a very stressful time a couple of years ago, and I’m ashamed to admit I used food as a way to de-stress rather than dealing with the root cause. I was never overweight as such (I went from a UK8 to a UK12) but I felt bloated and horrible and I hated looking in the mirror, although I never let on that I felt that way. I put a brave face on it and told anyone that asked that I was happy to have the extra curves for a change, but inside I hated myself and my lack of self control.
Every day I’d tell myself I was going to change. After all, I’m an educated and capable woman, and I swore I was going to stop letting food control me. And every day I’d fail. This became a vicious cycle of self loathing, which I self-medicated with food, which then led to worse self loathing. Eventually my confidence was at an all time low and I felt completely out of control. And I didn’t feel like I could ask anyone for help either. I mean I knew what I had to do (eat less and move more) so what could they do anyway? I already ‘knew’ I was just greedy and weak, I didn’t need anyone else to tell me that.
My state of mind was made worse by the fact my boyfriend mentioned many times that he didn’t like the changes to my body. Now I don’t blame him, but I already felt so bad about myself that his comments just fed further into it and the cycle of eating and self-hatred got worse. The more he asked me to change or tried to encourage me, the worse the cycle got. He ended up telling me I was selfish for ‘not caring’ about his attraction levels; and I added ‘selfish’ to the mile long list of things I hated about myself.
My story eventually came to a head when I broke down in front of my mum and told her everything I’d been feeling. She had no idea I’d been suffering so much as I’d done such a good job of hiding it, and she quickly helped me to get some counselling set up. Things had gotten that bad that at my first session, I couldn’t name one single thing I liked about myself. Not one.
However, as I continued to go I slowly started to feel better. I came to realise that I wasn’t weak or selfish, I’d simply got caught in a negative pattern of self soothing that was damaging to me, as many people do, and all I had to do was recognise that and try to replace those negative behaviours with more positive/healthy ones (yoga, bubble baths, talking etc). It’s been a long road and I’m not quite there yet, but I’m definitely getting there.
I also ended up ending the relationship with my ex as it started to become clear that he’d been chipping away at my confidence about other things aside from my weight too (not something I think you have done btw - you sound much nicer than him!). So overall I’m much happier and healthier than I’ve been in years.
Yet now that I’m aware of what was going on with me, and I’ll admit I was a rather extreme case, I’ve also realised how much food is linked to emotions in today's society and I really believe there are likely to be many more people like me out there struggling in silence like I did. Feeling ashamed and out of control.
I obviously don’t know your girlfriend OP, and she may indeed be perfectly happy with her weight gain as you say. However, I don’t know any woman who can genuinely say they’ve either not noticed or not been affected by gaining weight, so I think she’s likely to be bothered by it a lot more than she’s letting on. In fact she’s likely to be judging herself way harsher than anyone else is, as we all do.
Anyway, I’m not sure how much this will help as I’ve not really given you many suggestions. In fact it’s not really something you can fix on your own. But I hope it might at least let you understand that it’s probably not a simple case of her not caring about your feelings. And it’s not as simple to fix as people who have never battled with food/their weight seem to think it is.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (21 December 2017):
In the simplest way possible, don't be with someone if you want them to change in ways they don't want to.
I'm a couple of sizes bigger than I would be, if my chest wasn't so big. Also, have a look online at how a size 8 in one shop is the same as a size 12 in another, as well as how some people wear size 10 jeans and find they need a size 14 for similar jeans in a different place, so her clothes may not be as big as you think.
Like I said, though, if you can't love her at the size she is, she's no longer the one for you because it's not fair to expect your other half to change something they aren't fussed about.
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