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female
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*rettyPetal
writes: Sorry this is long. I didn’t want to make it so long and I did try and make it shorter.I wrote already on the 13th of November about how my boyfriend broke up with me and then texted me to say he misses me and I wanted to show the whole story if that would make any more sense to the situation.I broke up with my boyfriend of 8 months on the 13th of October. I'm 22 and he's 31 and we met when we started working together. Before we started going out I had already decided that I was going to move to Canada and after 10 weeks of being together I left, although we decided to stay together. While out there I realized there wasn't much in the way of work in my particular field and came home after 10 weeks but less than three weeks of me being back we broke up. I was devastated and confused as he claimed to have missed me terribly while I was away (we spoke most days on the phone or online)to the point he went a little off the rails and told me he loved me and I couldn't understand how this could change so quickly. We decided to get back together four days after and just as quick he was acting like nothing had happened but exactly two months later we broke up again and I'm just as confused this time as I was the last time. We were supposed to go away from four days on the Sunday after we broke up and it was his idea to go! Basically everything that had been happening before would not have suggested that we were going to breakup.We never argued although I found him to be rather selfish on occasion but he would put a lot of pressure on the relationship by constantly analyzing everything that happened between us. I was never clingy or needy and always gave him his own space. I think he fears that he will be three years down the line and realize that it might be another relationship that won't work (he has been involved with 3 3year relationships that followed quickly one after the other when he was the ages of 17-25). It was such a shock both times when we broke up as I was aware that everything was going well and now I can't help but feel he was lying to me or behaving in away he thought a boyfriend should rather than being himself. Whenever there was a 'problem' it wasn't a case of 'lets talk about it and work it out' but more of 'lets break up' and when I asked him what these problems were he said he couldn't put his finger on it and simply said it was because he didn't feel a spark between us. But I know for a fact there was! Everyone who saw us together saw it apart from him.At first I didn't feel comfortable enough to be myself around him (for my own reasons) but when we gave it a second shot I opened up completely and I think that's why I'm so hurt this time round.I think he doesn't know what he wants at the end of the day and I'm not saying that this person is me it's just I know that if he just relaxed we could actually have something good and if a ‘spark’ does come it will come naturally rather than forcefully looking for it. I do love him and I hate to think that he will never be able to love someone because he will always find a problem and over analyze every situation.I tried to get him to meet with me a week after we broke up but he said no and that it would just hurt the both of us and I ended up asking him questions of why it didn't work through msn which wasn't what I wanted as you can never tell how something is suppose to mean.I admit, since my return to home and even before then I think I have been suffering from depression so I know that there have been added pressures from myside but I don't think he ever knew that. In a way I'm glad we broke up as it made me realise that and I am working through it but I've had a set back.We had no communication for about 2 weeks when my friend saw him at a party and he apparently looked awful, not in the party spirit and asked after me. My friend told him I was doing amazing and at this point he said that he had been really close to picking up the phone and calling me and my friend said this was the worst thing he could do. She told me he looked a sad at this point yet agreed with her. I didn’t contact him at all.It was exactly a week after that he texted me at 6 am simply saying ‘I miss you x’ and then 6 hours later he texted ‘Just read my sent messages. i'm soo sorry for sending that. totally not fair. i don't take it back but was a very selfish action and i'm sorry.' I didn’t answer him again until the next day I called him and there was no answer and I didn’t leave a message. 3 hours later he texted back and said ‘sorry missed your call.’ I didn’t call him back.That was almost a week ago and I’ve heard nothing. I’m so confused and I feel he is behaving very immaturely. I want to sit down and talk with him, to either work things out or get proper closure. I don’t know what he is doing, if he is playing a game or what but it isn’t fair and I can’t help how I feel about him. To be honest, I don’t know if I could trust him again but I just need to understand what he is doing. Can anyone help?
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female
reader, PrettyPetal +, writes (22 November 2006):
PrettyPetal is verified as being by the original poster of the question Since my last post I accidently saw that he has a profile match.com. I was just looking for fun to see if there was someone who could take my mind off him. Does this mean he is over me or is he just on the rebound like myself?
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female
reader, PrettyPetal +, writes (18 November 2006):
PrettyPetal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you.
Well, since the 3 three year relationships he has had other girlfriends but they have only lasted a month at most so I'm the longest he has had in about 8 years. I don't think he was ever engaged but he did live with them. I don't think he knows what makes him happy. He's good at his job but he isn't getting the attention in it he deserves. I suspect he is extremely depressed but won't admit it to himself. I think thats why he goes on about this 'spark' thing as I think he is looking for someone who will either solve all his problems or simply allow him to ignore it more already. I feel for him too.
I'll take your advice and give him more time. It is really only 5 weeks since we broke up but I miss him terribly but I need to focus on myself too.
Thank you again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2006): Wow...it sounds so like the Hell I have been through.
This man has only been intimate with three women. Did he live with these women? Was he engaged? What does he claim is the breakdown in those relationships?
He is more of an analytical type. He is probably successful business wise but is clueless when it comes to intimacy and commitment.
Just because he had three prior relationships...doesn't imply he was happy in them or knew what he wanted in life. It still sounds like he is clueless in this regard.
Does he know what makes him happy?
If it is money, power, prestige...he doesn't have a clue about what will make his truly happy.
Putting so much stalk into temporal things will leave people feeling empty and with this...unhappy and restless which will lead to bitterness.
Does he find fault in others readily? Is he mostly dissatisfied with service when out at restraunts or clothing stores?
He sounds unhappy and unsure about what he wants of life and what will make him happy.
I feel for him.
But...
I say give him more time.
If he is of that age and still is so clueless...what are the odds of him having a great desire to change.
You either accept him as is...and love him as is.
Or you decide you cannot handle him as is and let him go.
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