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age
30-35,
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writes: Help me with my jealousy, please it's killing me!I have a very good relationship with my boyfriend, we have so much in common and I love him so much! He loves me too and is very sweet and caring. We alseo share a passionate sex life.He has some nude pictures of me (he asked me for them), because he says he finds me incredibly sexy. Well, I've always had a bad self esteem, because ever since I was a teenager, guys always went for my friends, never told me I was pretty, always rejected me, plus I was (and still am) a bit chubby. But my boyfriend loves having sex with me, and he says my body turns him on completely.I know he watches porn ocassionally. I'm kinda fine with it, because he says the porn stars aren't that good looking and also because he gets more turned on by what they're doing than the girls (he says he pictures us doing that stuff). Well, he doesn't want to see porn with me (he's also quite jealous and he says he'd get insecure of the actors' penises, because of their size). He's also ALWAYS told me he doesn't like stirp clubs, though he's never been to one he has no interest in going, and I told him if he'd like to go he can, but he insisted he doesn't want to.Well. Yesterday I saw his Youtube public profile. And in those profiles, people can see what channels you're suscribed to. Well he had a suscription for a cam girl. The account was suspended, but I googled her, and she's very sexy with a body not at all like mine. Yet he says he doesn't like strip clubs, and that he watches porn to get aroused by the act of sex not the girls. I don't know why I feel so jealous and insecure... and why does he do this, if he gets SO jealous if a guy on TV appears without a shirt... I can't even tell him about my celebruty crushes because he gets jealous. Yet if I get insecure about those girls, he says it's natural, he's a guy, he loves me, he finds me sexy, blah blah...Why can't I be a cool gf who doesn't get upset by this? I find it so hard to believe now that he finds me sexy if he has the need to see perfect girls shaking their big T and As and toned bodies... for me physical attraction is just as important in a relationship as a strong emotional bond is. So don't tell me "He loves you, that's all that matters...". I hardly find myself attracted to other guys, what's wrong with me?How can I be less jealous, please????
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2007): You say he has a right to masturbate over what he wants, but this shows a lack of self-worth too! In healthy relationships, if a person expresses that something is really making them unhappy, the other adapts and a compromise is reached. For example, I hate putting out the dustbin so my partner does it for me. In exchange I iron his shorts, which he hates doing.
People don't just carry on doing what they like if they value the relationship. If the relationship has true worth, each party willingly gives ground. You should not be feeling that you have to accept it and lie on a bed of nails. If your guy loves you he will be con cened about your stress and take it away simply because it is easy, in exchange for the love that you give him, which as well as being sexual and an intimate expression of feeling, is nurturing and benefits his self worth. Porn never does that.
Half the issue is just realising that someone has listened to you and actually put your feelings first. No man would explode without pornography. I want to laugh when I hear that stuff about men needing their needs fulfilled and some sort of right as red-bloodied beings to do what they want. Any man who says "sod you I am going to do it anyway", is not worth your time as this would be a very arrogant and selfish person. If you can find a way towards loving yourself more you may find you can tolerate knowing that he is likely to occasionally do this, but you don't have to have it shoved under your nose, or even on your radar.
The image of woman is pornographified just now. Men are just starting to get the same treatment and I am looking forward to seeing how they feel to watch tv every night and see gorgeous male bodies to die for, large bulge in trouser region etc.
Poor blokes will then feel the same stab of injustice and insecurity. Penis extensions will become the rage!
Not that I wish it on the male kind but I do get sick of being told that it is perfectly OK and even to be expected, for a partner to letch at another woman/girl. I don't mind men looking, I just hate leering and inappropriate sexualisation when you can see men mentally undressing girls and forgetting to speak to the person they are with. It has happened to me as you can guess, power games, I hate men who do that.
If you look back historically you will see that the way we are made into image has changed. I wish we were still at the Audrey Hepburn stage, with beauty, class, elegance. I don't mind a bit of sexy stuff but when I compare then with now, the age of Brazilian waxes, nail expensions and porn dollies and wonder exactly what the liberation of women did acheive.
But take heart, in the Netherlands young people laugh at their parents using porn because it has become an uncool joke.
You can negotiate this to suit you both.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2007): Hi there. I know exactly where you are coming from. But the account is suspended..remember that. I expect all blokes have the odd forage into rude things, perhaps you have too. The main thing is that your sex life is unaffected. It is really hard for us females at the moment with such an explosion of porn everywhere and no wonder that self esteem gets battered. It is hardly as though it is essential, but the effect is negative in real live women. If you find your lack of self-worth unbearable try cognitive behavioural therapy. I am doing it for exactly the same reason as you, it is very good. Doesn't it seem a shame that I need therapy to build up my self esteem so I can cope with another persons shallow habit? Needs must but I would rather be living in the 1960's whe the only thing to contend with was the odd magazine or dirty film.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, I know... I know I have to stop worrying. He loves me, he shows physical interest in me... but most of all he loves me and is very sweet and caring... and I love him so much too. We have a very good relationship and I'm confident no one will cheat, because we share such a deep connection (common interests, humor, values)... we have our issues like all couples, but really we have so much fun and everything just clicks between us.
But I guess... what I don't get is why guys like surgically altered girls so much if they always argue that the real "thing" is better. Why aren't porn stars or strippers normal then? If they always say that silicone is "too fake", then why do they salivate over this stuff?
I know I'm pretty shallow for overthinking this, specially since we have no sex issues, I just sometimes feel inadequate! Like a lot of women do... I guess just as guys can't quite explain their attraction to that stuff, we can't explain why we feel so inadequate in comparison to an mpg file, to someone they can't touch...
Guess I'll just have to accept it as a fact of life... like a dogma or something. Well thanks anyway...
And happy holidays to you too!
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (21 December 2007):
 bodies are just bodies. stop worrying about these girls that spent thousands to look the way they do. most of them you could toss a dart and pop their balloons. keeping it real is the only way to go. people who have a face outside image generally don't have a positive inside image. take care and have a good holiday season.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks rcn, you've made a very strong point there. I've always had low self esteem, and I know it's not his fault, or anyone's for that matter, it's just mine and thats something I got to work on hard to improve myself. More than any expensive surgery I could get just to compare to ideals of beauty, I know it's healthier to work on my inner strenght (easier said than done though). Plus, that's the right choice.To the first poster, what made me jealous of that cam girl was that she has a perfect body; big breasts, tiny waist, toned all over and a round butt. I'm hourglass shaped, maybe a bit chubby (though my BMI is normal), not toned at all, small to medium breasts and some butt (we're latinos so this last one is important). I know in porn girls are like that too, but porn's different; the arousal actually comes from what's depicted (i.e: the act of sex, a bj, etc.). It's something that can stimulate both partners, by themselves or together, it brings new ideas to bed. There's even some porn with regular looking folks. Even girl on girl action. But a girl stripping... that's not something that I'd enjoy as a couple. I know he has a right to masturbate to whatever he wants, but I guess what scares me is that he'll get dissapointed of my body eventually, or that he'll picture those girls in his head while we have sex.
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (20 December 2007):
Jealousy comes from within you, not from the actually activities he's doing. Blame tends to be place on outside areas when actually work on your inside needs to take place. You both need to work on developing a strong sense of self. Low sense of self begins playing tricks that may not be factual. They're made up in our mind because we begin to question what we have and why we have it and why they'd choose us. The fact is it's not your position to determine why he is with you. it's not his position to determine why you're with him. Just accept the fact the other person chose you without attempting to justify their reasoning for doing so.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2007): tell me first what made you jealous about him/her
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