A
female
age
41-50,
*ngelfly
writes:I met a guy 3 months back from a friend of mine. We got acquainted and later on we found out that we shared a lot of common, however, I am married and he is married. We both have problems with our respective partners. He has a very controlling and dominating wife, nags all the time. In short, he has a wife that no husband could ever dreamed of.On the other hand, i have a husband who resents his father for not being supportive in his business and our marriage is now affected of his resentment. Now, i am giving my husband the space that he needs. As much as I want to be with him, he's pushing me away from him as he said he is a failure and could not give me all the things that I deserved.Since both of us (this married man) needs someone to talk and understand us at the lowest point of our lives, something happened between us. We slept together twice although it's against our values. We have found comfort with each other. Now, i feel guilty, but he doesn't! We are still communicating but i try not to talk to him anymore because I am afraid of the things that might have happened. Above all, I am afraid of the consequence of our actions. I don't know if I am stupid, but I dearly misses him. He keeps on calling me, but I am not taking his calls. Please help, i am embroiled now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2011): Cheaters always blame the spouse for why they cheat. I don't think I EVER hear a cheater actually take responsibility for their own actions. Did it occur to you that his wife might not be quite the person you were told she is? There is always another side to a story. Remember this.I know a women who cheated on her husband of 7 years. Her husband NEVER cheated on her, abused her, not addicted to anything... But her husband simply wanted a nice woman to be his wife and give herself only to him. Sounds pretty damn reasonable to me! When they first got serious, saying 'I love you,' they discussed the terms of their relationship and decided to be monogamous. He proposed and she accepted. Years later, she says he trapped her into marriage, but that's not so. He gave her the choice of staying in a serious relationship with him or leaving to have freedom to see other people. Again, sounds fair. She loved him, and that was the main reason. But she married when she did because she didn't want to lose him. So later on, she says she wasn't ready to marry when she did, but felt there was no choice. But she always had a choice. She was really angry because she didn't think she should've had to choose. But that is not a mature approach, and her regrets are not her husband's fault. He did not force her to do something she didn't want. He wanted her to want to marry. She had the option of going off to date or to marry. When someone accepts a marriage proposal and they live together, there is no reason to assume that there is freedom to date any longer. I don't know anyone in their right mind who moves in with their lover with the assumption that they are free to date other people if they choose. Not even in the most odd of circumstances would this be all right. But they talked about things, and even though marriage made her nervous, it was still her choice. Love doesn't necessarily wait for people to play around. She knew she had found the right person to marry, but she still thought she could find a way to have him and also have freedom to be with other people if she wanted to. That does not work. She ended up cheating on him. She blamed him for her affair. She lied to him, hurt him, disrespected him, humiliated him. It went on for months. She told her "new friend" that she was unhappy in their marriage and described her husband as controlling and gave her own version. She never once told her"friend" of how sneaky SHE had been. She never mentioned how verbally abusive she was to him and how he had been tolerating her emotional and verbal abuse and her sneakiness for years. She put him through A LOT emotinally. She never told any of this to her "friend."So the friend thought it was just a case of a beautiful woman with a bad husband and she deserved to be happy...She and the friend started talking about their relationship problems and both forgot that there's TWO sides to a story. They did not get the whole truth. He stayed home, being faithful to a woman who was starting to fall for someone else and lying about the whole thing. He was good to her, and loved her so much. Funny enough, the henpecked husband who was put through hell never once cheated on her! It would ahve been so easy for him to cheat and blame HER attitude for that. But he didn't. She did. And then could not be decent enough to take responsibility for her behavior. She had to play the blame game and have a scapegoat. Cheaters don't usually like to admit that they cheated. It is ugly and nobody likes cheaters. And some people have it all and still that's just not good enough. They don't just want to eat their cake: they want the whole bakery and that is just not reasonable. Ignore that guy's calls. If he sees you, tell him it's over. You don't hate him, but you are not pursuing this anymore and it is wrong. Nothing good will come from this. Tell him you learn from mistakes and this was a mistake. He needs to move on now and go home and be a faithful husband.So if you are not taking that guy's calls, I am happy for you. It sounds like at least you have some scruples. You see the wrong here, even if he won't. It sounds like there is guilt for you and he is still feeling too good to deal with seeing that he is wrong. It seems at the moment like affairs solve problems but they really create new ones and they mask reality.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (5 May 2011):
I am always very, very suspicious when I read "He has a controlling wife, who nags him" - I'll tell you why:
People have said my mother nags my father - they're wrong. In fact, my father is a cold bastard and my mother has for years been trying to get some kind of loving reaction from him.
I would bet everything that this man you've cheated with is the problem, not his wife. His wife is probably a very hurt woman who has been failed. What makes this more likely is the fact that this guy you've cheated with isn't feeling guilty - a sure sign that he's cheated before. Also, if his wife is that bad, why hasn't he divorced her? Again, it'e because he's the problem, not her. And as for cheating being against his values - that's a lie if I ever heard one. He's done it before.
Your problem is that you do feel guilty - not only that, but your husband is in a bad place and if it comes out that you've cheated and kept in contact, that will leave your reputation lying in the gutter. No one likes a cheat, and it has to be said that cheating women always come off worse.
So for you, it'll be a double whammy of pain. You'll have been made a fool of by this married man, and you'll look bad in front of everyone for cheating.
Do not contact this man again. Instead, focus on whether you want to be married. If so, work your ass off to make it better. If not, get a divorce and move on. Just don't continue with a lie, and don't cheat. All it does is cheapen you.
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A
female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (5 May 2011):
 Seems you had already left the marriage mentally and now you have abdicated physically. Maybe you should be discussing divorce proceedings. If that gives you a fright, than maybe you should be placing more efforts in your marriage than your affair. And if that hard work gives you even more anxiety, than think about how this affair can become even more troublesome. Dollars to donuts he'll not leave his wife.
So you're playing second fiddle and with fire. I say try to fix the marriage, than if things don't work out, you will have no guilt about finding new love. Just make sure they are not married.
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