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I met a pillar of society with a hidden cocaine, alcohol, and cross-dressing habit.

Tagged as: Faded love, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Article - (9 September 2010) 7 Comments - (Newest, 26 September 2010)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I met a man who posed as a great guy, deacon in his church, father of 5, honorable discharge from the marines with a steady decent paying job. What he neglected to tell me is that he had a 10 yr coke habit, kids that wouldn't talk to him due to his abuse of them, alcoholic, liar and thief who not only cross dressed but chose the day after we wed to tell me all of this and that he wanted men! I was livid and devastated at the same time... The whole fiasco lasted 6 months from start to finish. In record time he showed his true colors and abusive ways. He stole thousands of dollars from me and repeatedly attacked me. Unfortunately for him, he underestimated my abilities to defend myself. 2 yrs have passed and I am still hurt and angry and find it hard to want to date now. Worst of all, the damage he did to my daughters who had to witness his tirades. His abuse cost me financially, emotionally, mentally and physically.

There is now a new victim for him and I feel for her, the disappointment and heartache she is about to discover will undoubtedly rock her world as if she doesn't have enough to worry about already. She has cancer, going thru a divorce, has young twins involved in a custody battle and no idea about just what lays ahead for her with this man.

Why would any person do that to another human being? What is the purpose? Why wouldn't you just admit who you are and stop destroying other's lives just because you are confused or stupid? Or both...

I'm forever changed by it......

View related questions: alcoholic, discharge, divorce, liar

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2010):

I went through a very similar situation. What I found out is that he was self destructive and self loathing. He wanted to be a woman so badly and yet he could not. These types of people set up their relationships for failure because they simply cannot believe that they are good enough for anyone. Most of them tend to go from person to person and most know that they have this problem but will do nothing about it.

Mine drowned his in a game called Second Life, he spends all his time and money there. He refuses to get help, his problem is not my problem so I left him. Am I angry? You bet you, I spent 7 years with this man only to find out what a horrible person he was, but thankfully I got out. I will get over it, so will you it just takes time. Good luck!

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A female reader, Dorothy Dix Australia +, writes (14 September 2010):

Hello again. Sometimes people really do know the truth, but they don't want to acknowledge it.

There are none so blind as those who will not see. This is so true. You know but you don't want to know.

Some truths are very hard to accept.

In time the truth will come to the surface and reveal itself to her in such a way, that she won't have any other choice but to see it for what it truly is.

In time, you too will learn to look for warning signs in new relationships, and you will know when to trust a man again. Believe me, all men are not the same. He is one of a minority.

When you do start dating again, don't put too much trust in men right at the beginning. Just take things slowly, and try not to get too serious too soon. Keep some things to yourself.

I've often heard it said that one of the warning signs of bad partner material, is men who want to get serious very soon after meeting you. It can sometimes mean that they have something to hide, or that they have ulterior motives. Especially if a woman is very wealthy, and the man finds out about it very early in the relationship. This is something you would want to keep to yourself, as it's no-one else's business anyway. You do want a man to genuinely like you for just being you. Total acceptance. Not just because you are wealthy.

You will in time meet a decent man who is worthy of you and will make you very happy. In the meantime, you can't rush it to happen too soon. All in good time.

Hope this helps you. Take care and best wishes.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I did speak with this woman and she doesn't wish to believe me even tho there is now a question as to whether or not he spanked her son (in the middle of a custody battle) and she walked in from work to find him with his wig on in her bathroom. She thinks I am a jealous ex and wants this sicko back! NOT IF HE WERE THE LAST MAN ALIVE! Altho I made her aware that there is NOTHING to be gained by telling her the truth and I can walk away if I want to as he is NOT a part of my life. She is in the medical field and is trained to spot abuse, how can she be so blind? I worry for her children and her own safety.

I appreciate every one of your answer people! Thank you for the continued advise.... and at least now I set the seeds of doubt for her and hope she makes good choices for the sake of her children...

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A male reader, wisernow United States +, writes (11 September 2010):

It will be cowardly of you to not go to his latest victim and relate your story to her so that she may protect herself from this vulture. She seems to have more than enough on her plate..... and only YOU can help her. Sure temporairly her life will be worse off then it is, but in the long run she will be thankful to you and able to move on.

You ask why one person can do such things to another? Why do serial killers murder innocents? Why did a respectable man in our community recently rape a 12 yr old girl? You or l cannot comprehend such actions so how can we answer such questions?

Do the right thing.... meet with this woman....

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for the advice! I will be warning her of his abuse and let her take it from there. I pray she listens, altho I feel bad about going behind someone's back, I do feel she needs to know. I could just as easily walk away as he isn't a part of my life but worry for her health and her children and cannot in good conscience do that... Thanks again! sometimes reassurance is all we need to know we are doing what's right...

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A female reader, Dorothy Dix Australia +, writes (11 September 2010):

Hi there. It sounds like he is a bit confused about his own sexuality. It also sounds like he can't accept that part of himself, otherwise there wouldn't be the frustration and physical abuse or the substance abuse either, that is often associated with the denial.

Often when people realize they might be gay, they have an aversion to it as they might already have a negative attitude towards homosexuals anyway (for whatever reason).

It's my guess that this is where the alcohol and cocaine abuse has started. He has used it to escape from the reality which he can't accept, or doesn't want to accept.

He's trying to pretend to himself and the world that he is straight, but the truth he tries to hide by numbing it with drugs and alcohol, so he doesn't have to deal with it.

The truth niggles and niggles at him and he partly acts it out with the cross-dressing, but still acts like he is a straight man to the outside world. However, it does get to him because he feels the frustration of not living the life the way he should be living. And that's where the abusiveness comes to the surface. He's not being real with himself - he is instead living a lie.

He's fighting the flow of life. He's swimming against the tide by pretending that he's something he is definitely not. He is very unhappy because of it, this is clear. These are not the actions of a genuinely happy person.

I guess he is one of these people who live their lives worrying about what other people think. Big mistake. I'm sure he realizes this, but is not game enough to come out of the closet and be honest with himself and the world.

Homosexuality is nothing to be ashamed of. The important thing is to be yourself. If you can't be yourself, who can you be? Unless he starts getting real very soon, he will spend the rest of his life living with regret.

We are all equal. No-one is any better than anybody else.

If you know this woman who is now somehow involved with this man, perhaps you should tell her story. She needs to know. Forewarned is forearmed. She is already unwell with cancer, plus going through a messy divorce, she doesn't need any more problems now.

Hope this has helped you. Take care and best wishes.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for the Link! I have recovered except for my anger that not only did he do this to me but now he is doing it to another woman. My heart breaks at the thought of him doing this again to ANY woman. That and he continues to tell people I am the reason he is this way altho he has been cross dressing and coke habit for 10 yrs prior to meeting me. It angers me that he refuses to take responsibility (even pushes it off) for his own actions and the damage that it has done.I am from a town of about 35,000 -38,000, born and raised here and know alot of people and to think he is lying to people I have known all my life sickens me. I am embarassed to say we were ever together!

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