A
female
age
30-35,
*m9hi
writes:Hi!Not really sure were this is going but i need some 'outsiders' advice.I have been with my partner since i was 17, he proposed to me on my 21st birthday and have been engaged for little under a year.He totally swept me off my feet, words cannot describe what be means to me, iv become so dependant on him, and to be honest, ii dont really know who i am without him he's been part of my life for so long now.Well its recently became clear to him that i have a problem bonding with his father, as iv been honest out full relationship when he asked why i told him the truth.His father is a petty criminal, and i recently found out disturbing information about him which i cant shake, this make it harder for me to pretend to like him so i told my partner i don't have any time for his father. It is understandable that he would be upset with me, but his father seems to have some sort of hold over him and i don't know what is it. My partners parents are separated and iv spoke to his mum about it and she doesn't understand it either.He seems to think his dad is a hero and wants to follow in his footsteps, like i said his dad is a criminal, in many ways, and served a lot of time in jail.Iv just completed my Honours year at University and will be graduating next month with a 2:1 in Criminal Law, which might make this harder for me at accept, i just wish he could see his dad through my eyes.Iv moved back in with my mum for a few days to let him think of what he wants to do and I'm terrified he might end our wonderful relationship, but on the other hand it might be a blessing as i don't want to be associated with his father. Should i fight for him? And make him see the truth?? Or should i just walk away as hard as it would be??Thanks, L x
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female
reader, cattycakes +, writes (13 May 2014):
So nobody is perfect. People live their lives and some do wrong. Perhaps you don't understand his father, the time he was born in, or the circumstances of his life. What I do think, is that he must have fine qualities as well, to have won the love of his son so well. It is refreshing to hear that. If your man is a good person it also points to a good influence from his father. When you say petty criminal what do you mean? Is, was, what?
You should not use your high moral coding to drive a wedge between the two men. Neither di I think you need to feel threatened by their closeness. Life is not black and white. Do not force a between father and son. He needs to love his father. If you can not soften your judgement it should be you who decides. You will get nowhere trying to make your fiancé "see his father or what he really is" according to your view. Which is not anywhere near a clear and full picture of that man and his life.
It does not make your fiancé a criminal and I am sure you won't be dragged into life as a gangsters moll. There are respectable MPs stealing our money, bankers creaming £ for themselves, corruption is everywhere.
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (13 May 2014):
 I think you need to start thinking more about what you want in life.
Do you want a career in law? Because having a criminal father in law, and potential husband who wants to follow in his footsteps, that would most likely spell the end of a career before it was started. People would assume you condoned these criminal acts.
You are ONLY 21. LEGALLLY You were still a child when you started this relationship. I believe that you need to live a little as an adult woman. This was a great first relationship for you but in all honesty can you really see yourself with this man in 30 years time?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 May 2014):
 I see two issues here .
1 ) it's not a matter of liking the ex-con in-law or disliking him , he might be a very lovable,tender hearted ex-con, like Magwitch in Great Expectations , you know ? It's the impact that he could have on your future career if you are serious about it. Which could be devastating. Do you want to be a criminal lawyer, or work for the ( British equivalent of ) the District's Attorney office, etc..? Then forget about it. It may sound counterintuitive, because in theory your perspective clients would appreciate you being related by marriage to a notorious criminal, and maybe they would- but that's not so for the judges, or your colleagues or all the judicial circuit in general. At best they'd laugh you off out of any court, and yes, go explain them that one thing is you and the other your in laws. It is what it is, you won't make it in that field saddled with such a cumbersome relative.
But I know that, now matter how sensible this objection is, it is not going to hold back a 21 y.o. girl in love. You'll be all ( you are, actually ) " I love him, he's my life, I don't care if his dad is Public Enemy No 1, he is different " so we get to issue two.
2 ) Is he really ? Different ? .. I find a bit sinister that you are giving him space to think about what he wants to do... what he wants to do about what ? about becoming a criminal like his father ? About following in his beloved dad's footsteps ? ... Well, should he not already KNOW by now that it's not a good idea ? Should he not already have realized that dad may even be a good dad, and deserving of his affection and understanding, yet he is not a positive role model as a worker and a citizen , and he could just conserve him his love... but take exactly the opposite way in life ? has he still got doubts about what to copy from his dad, and what absolutely NOT ? ... And if so, what the heck are you still doing with him, a young future petty criminal in the making ?? Oh btw, has he not figured out that he can love dad in is heart ( dad is always dad ) , and nobody wants to change that, YET he needs to be a little prudent, a little discreet in his involvement in his father's life, out of respect to YOU ( who have all the right of NOT wanting to be involved with ex cons ) and to your future career ?...
What has he got to " think ", hasn't he already got 4 years to figure out all this ?...
I think you will have to decide on your own, I doubt that you can make him see things your way. So far, he does not sound the type who can differentiate neatly between dad, the great dad that rocked him to sleep as a child- and dad, the loser who screwed up totally adopting WRONG values and ideas.
It must be very difficult for them.
I know a woman who when she was 13 got pimped out by her own mother. It did not last very long, luckily, because the mother got caught and the judge threw the book at her. But when eventually she came out of jail, - they just resumed a normal mom / daugther relationship. When, years later , I was close enough to this woman for her to confide me her story, I just could not believe my ears, knowing for sure that they were having Sunday brunch togeter, celebrating Moter's day and all . I told her : you are the noblest, most forgiving person I know . She answered me - Why ? OTHER THAN THAT, my mom has always been the best mom that one could want.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2014): I don't know the exact details obviously, but I'll bet my bottom dollar that your partner's dad has made your partner feel emotionally responsible for him.
What I mean by this is:
Your boyfriend's dad will not have matured or grown into a rounded and 'normal' person, otherwise he couldn't possibly have done what he's done criminally - he just wouldn't have any need or desire to do it.
This means that parts of his psyche will still be very child like, completely childish in fact.
This may be hard to believe - I'm sure he probably sets himself up as this big hard guy. This is what many, many criminals do. Underneath all of that they simply haven't grown up.
From your partner's point of view he will have been getting very mixed message since he was a kid. His dad will be acting like this big hero figure on the one hand, but deep inside his psyche, he will be a VERY needy child who will most likely also be very angry not to have had his needs met as a child.
He will have somehow 'reversed' the father/son psychology and found ways - conscious or unconscious - to make your partner feel emotionally bonded to him but in a way where the boundaries between who is the carer and who is the child will have been totally blurred. It may be things like your partner's Dad telling him stories about his criminal acts in ways that make your partner feel, ultimately, sorry for him and protective of him...can you see what I mean?
Over many years this can mean that a child gains a very deep, but actually unhealthy, bond with the parent. It can happen in families where the parent is not a criminal but where they do blur boundaries and don't clearly demarcate their responsibility to the child.
What will happen in time is that you boyfriend will feel he has to 'protect' his Dad by actually starting to get involved in what he does. It's a sure fire way to become a criminal.
If you get involved now you will get very , very hurt indeed. If you can't walk away then best to read as much as you can about criminal psychology and try to get your partner to see what's going on. But I honestly don't think the latter will work UNLESS your partner wants it to.
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A
male
reader, RevMick +, writes (13 May 2014):
 Hi,
When you come from a family like that, you do gloss over it. I can understand a son who has seen his father with nice things, nice cars, watches and jewelry and be awe struck.
Unfortunately I think your boyfriend is under the illusion that to get money, power and respect (you need to be the gangster).
Will he ever change, probably not.
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