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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: hii.. am from a traditional family.we been married 4 yrs.my inlaws always say nasty things to me,but i never brought this up with my h usband bcoz i don wantis. to strain all the relations.yesterday she called me like fox,trust me iam not a cunning one.i felt very disappointed, i told my husb about it.he did not believe that his mother uses such foul language,he inturn fired on me like am trying to make issues out of blue...i kept crying yesterday,i dont expect any support from him..but i just wanted to say am keeping up with this nonsense 4 yrs. he inturn got very verbal,called me names...if u were in my shoes how will u respond.. thank you... Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2014): Just keep your cool and ignore her, or laugh it away as if it doesn't matter what she says.This will disarm her and with time she will settle down if she gets no response. and yes go see your parents sometimes we give too much importance to the wrong people who make our lives miserable
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2014): Before I go into my lecture. I hope you didn't misinterpret the meaning of her saying you were a fox. She may have meant you are cunning and clever, in a smart way. It doesn't have to be a negative thing. I guess it depends on the situation you were in, when she said it. I think you are being a little too sensitive. It's not really that bad.
You don't stand up for yourself; either with your husband or his relatives. So everyone bullies you.
You have to have a thicker-skin and backbone in these situations. When people know they can bully and intimidate you, it becomes a habit. Sometimes it becomes a sadistic game, just to see you come apart.
In defense of his family. Often women come to us who married outside of their own cultures, religion, or ethnicity. They abandon their culture, and alienate their own families in the process. In order to follow and have the man. He then is the center of your world. You have no one to support you; therefore, he doesn't care how you react to mistreatment from his family. You are the one who made the ultimate sacrifice to be with him. I hope this is not the case.
If you muster the courage to show them that you are unaffected by little jabs and pokes at your feelings; and that you know how to stand up to them, you gain respect.
When they insult you, make a joke of it; and turn it around and say something equally rude back. Then smile like it is a joke. Even if they aren't smiling when they insulted you.
When his mother insults you; ask her why would she say something so horrible to you? Stare her dead in the eyes.
We get lots of posts from people who don't get along with their in-laws; or the families of their partners. Usually the wives or girl-friends of son's with over-protective neurotic mothers. Passive mama's boys, who believe their mothers are saints and can do no wrong. The women are bitches on wheels; and their husbands knows it, and would attest to it. Yet they seem to have free reign. Usually a reign of terror.
You knew these people before you married him. You married him in spite of it. Your marriage obviously isn't an arranged-marriage, or his mother would love you. Maybe she thinks you somehow trapped her son into marriage. Maybe he tells her negative things about you behind your back. That would explain why he doesn't defend you.
She apparently believes you to be unsuitable. Perhaps you aren't, if you are so totally defenseless. If culture requires you to be submissive? What kind of advice would we have to offer you that you can use in such situations?
There is one thing that posts like yours share in-common. People let their spouses off the hook about demanding respect for you. Be it a husband, or a wife. They are your life-partner, and they should be there to support and protect you from unprovoked attacks from their families.
You should never be placed on the defensive and have to take a beating every-time you're around his family.
I would not remain with a spouse who allows my in-laws to make me feel unloved and unwelcome. I would give it all I've got to keep the peace; but I'm not going to live under hostile conditions, where I'm outnumbered and disrespected.
Once I read a suggestion by an aunt to an OP for a daughter-in-law who was victim of her mother-in-law's constant attacks. She was told to be nice regardless; and to be pro-active in taking the higher ground and be nice. Placing all the responsibility on the daughter-in-law to mend the situation. HA!!! NO!!!
My dear, you don't take crap from anybody. If you haven't done anything wrong, you don't submit to punishment. If it is cultural-tradition to be submissive as a female; then I may be overlooking the reason you do not retaliate to intimidation. You do not indicate what country you're in.
Perhaps in your own protection. You must always be respectful to his parents. You do not have to be subjected to her mistreatment or insults.
If tradition is not a factor; you must stand your ground, and tell them you will not tolerate their attacks. Instantly leave their house. Return to your own family until your husband straightens it all out.
Leave that moment, with or without your husband. Call someone in your family to come get you, if you have to.
You must make a bold and courageous statement.
Stay with your own family until his treats you better. It will send the message you have had enough. From him, and his nasty family. If you stick around in an abusive situation; nothing changes unless you do.
If you are a frail and weepy type. You're an easy target. Your husband is forcing you to defend yourself. Which would be understandable; if thinks his family is never wrong. He doesn't respect your feelings in the least. You're in a bad marriage. Leaving him, would be the only solution.
Command and demand respect. From both your spouse, and his family. Get a divorce; if you are too timid to handle them. You are in the wrong family, if you are mistreated and too timid to stand-up for yourself.
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