A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi Everyone.Merry Christmas to you all, and thank you for taking time to read this. I will keep it as brief as I can, but I could really do with some help and guidance here. I initially met the love of my life 3 years ago (just to clarify, we are both female). We “clicked” and truly did fall madly in love. Unfortunately, the relationship did not last (she had her problems and I had mine, and so it just couldn’t work). I think it’s fair to say I tried, but she is not interested in ever being in a committed relationship again… with anybody! At the same time that we split, she was spiralling down the depression path. I didn’t want to leave her alone to struggle through the turmoil. So I stood by her, knowing all along that my feelings/emotions/attachments would take second place to hers. I guess that’s what you do when you love someone that much. Thankfully, almost a year on, she is doing better. We remained friends through all this. But I need to move on – I know I do… Neither of us wants to lose each other’s friendship, but how else can I ever move on with her IN my life? As it stands, we are very much having an “open relationship” (regularly sleeping together, even though she admits to sleeping with others, as is her right – we are not together…) but all this is truly devastating to me, and I feel so stupid and worthless for allowing myself be used in this way. I always thought I would never let anyone disrespect me. I haven’t had the heart to move on, having kissed one girl once in almost a year. But now, it’s a New Year looming, and I want to make a new start. I mean a whole new me… New look and image. And I want to free myself completely, so as I can move on and find someone who will treat me with respect. Can anyone out there please help me? Guide me? Encourage me? Share their story with me? It’s such a strange predicament I find myself in, because I don’t want to lose her, but I know that this is probably the only real way I can regain full control of my life again.Thank you for reading this and hopefully, thank you for any input you may have to offer a kind, caring and decent young woman who just wants to move on and be happy.xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2013): I am also gay and recently ended a relationship. It was not as long as yours. It lasted 10 months. I was very emotionally invested in the relationship. I lost my life-partner to cancer seven years ago. After a relationship that lasted 28 years. I can say we literally grew up together.
That being said. I had to re-open my feelings romantically and intimately to someone else. I found that hard; because I had to live with my grief, and navigate my way through single-life; which included dating as a mature adult over 40.
I didn't have a lot of dating experience, and the only gay relationship I've ever known, was with him. All my life I've had a lot of friends; and I'm close to my family. So dating wasn't on the priority list; because I had a lot of people in my life to fill the void. I have a good job, and a very active social-life. I'm going to see the Nutcracker performed locally, tonight. I went to a Gay Christmas Mixer for singles at a lovely restaurant in our town last night.
The men were extraordinary, and most of them are in my age-group. I will attend some Holiday parties this week.
When my ex came along. I was very guarded of my feelings. I didn't trust guys too much; because as you know, there is a lot of casual-sex in the gay community. Relationships end quickly over very trivial issues. Cheating is rampant.
Many gay males have an aversion to commitment; because they like having different partners; and getting a lot of attention while we're young, and in our adventurous stages of youth. We do finally settle down. However; not until we've faced a lot of realities along the way, that literally put us in our places. Or, if you're lucky as I was, you quickly find someone meant for you; and have a very happy relationship. It lasted longer than I ever imaged.
Now, about my most recent relationship. My ex was once married to a woman. They had three children,and divorced over eight years before we met. He is very outgoing, the man's man type. He likes the outdoors, trails, and camping. I was his ideal partner; because I had everything he was looking for. He told me that many times. He's very generous and affectionate. However; he could be quite sneaky.
He said he felt like a king, and on top of the world. We took vacations together and shared great moments in our lives. I know he has times he needs to do his own thing, it's my nature to just get out of the way. I learned a lot from being in a LTR that you must give each other space to grow and to breath. So it was no problem to be comfortable when he wanted to go on a lone camping trip; or if he had some project he was working on. He was very handy.
He drifted off into his own world. He started going to events and telling me after the fact. He started snapping at me, or using a condescending tone that I will not stand for. He got quite spoiled and arrogant. So I suggested we take a break and get things back into perspective. He decided to just flat out end it. I granted him his wish.
Accept for him to retrieve his belongings; I have nothing to do with him. I decided my mission was to regain my life as it pleases me. Reintroduce myself back into the social scene, and give my family and friends everything I've got to show how much I love and appreciate them.
I don't need his friendship, if he didn't feel we could work things out in order to maintain what we had. I decided moving on suits me fine. You have every right to feel the same.
Some feel keeping an active friendship with an ex is good.
So do I. For me, if it's over...it's over.
However; you should only do it if it is a positive and enriching experience for the both of you. No one should come up short. There should be no guilt on your part; if you feel you can function better on your own, and without
her active participation in your life.
In fact, if you wanted to sever all ties. That's your prerogative. No matter how hard people who chose otherwise, try to sell you their bill of goods. I feel no bitterness, just happier with those who have stuck by me. I made an offer and it was not according to his liking. Therefore,
I no longer need him in my life. I'm doing just fine.
He has someone else now. Which is good for him. It's no skin off my nose. I got what I needed. I gave him what he asked for. Life goes on, and I help others with what I know.
Do not expect getting over her to be easy. Your feelings do not shutoff like a faucet. You still find it in your heart to yearn for her presence, and you continue to care and miss her. However; you can also love yourself and your life as just being a single gay woman. Removed from your ex.
It will make it easier, to bond and create new relationships.
You can live according to your own terms. Choosing only to hold on to people you feel don't get in your way; or slow down your recovery to moving on.
You are the master of your own fate and happiness. If it means ridding yourself of exes; you have every right in the world. You have no moral obligation to keep them around, and it has nothing to do with bitterness as some may try and convince you. It's a matter of moving on. Plain and simple. Minus the baggage. Sometimes memories suffice.
You can explain how you feel. Or, you can keep it short and simple. Minimize a lot of drama by just telling her you wish to move on and discontinue contact. Explain that you are unable to maintain the mock-relationship you have; which is holding you back. Then no further contact by any means. She will be allowed to detach and also move on with her life.
Don't turn around six months from now full of regret, and interrupt her journey to freedom and recovery. You have no right to turn back, once you choose. Maybe in years to come, when you are a faint memory; you may say hello. She deserves time to absorb your decision and reorganize her life. You only owe her to be considerate; but don't let her hold you back.
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