A
male
age
41-50,
*TQ
writes:Hi. Im currently in a relationship with a girl who I started living with about 2 months after we started going out. Its now 6 months into it and although I do love her I dont think im in love with her.Were from different backgrounds and cultures and sometimes I think were not compatible because of this. Everytime we start to talk about the future I start to clam up and don't want to talk because it scares me. Were only talking about stuff like traveling to South America but Ive never had to plan for the future ever and its scary.So anyway its coming to the crunch I want to tell her that we should live in separate places again but she is just about to apply for a new uni course to get her student visa extended. The thing is she is staying because of me! I dont know how I feel about us and I dont want her to shell out all that money if its not going to continue.The only way I will know if its going to work is if we live apart for awhile but Im afraid shell go back to her own country and Ill lose her.The hardest part is shes completely happy in this relationship or atleast she seems to be and im not happy. Its constantly on my mind and Im suffering some mild to sever anxiety over it. It sounds like an open and shut case, I know, but theres something telling me to hang on.I don't want to jerk her around but I don't want to continue if im not going to be happy.Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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male
reader, LTQ +, writes (3 July 2008):
LTQ is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThx pasha but its really over hey.
Its only now after talking to my mum that I realize that there has been things that I have been keeping to myself about the relationship that were not right for me but I was trying to keep them quiet from even myself (sweeping under the rug) but now that ive vocalized them to myself and my family its quite obvious that it wasn't working for me.
It still hurts but its for the best. She deserves someone who will be happy in a relationship and I deserve someone who can make me truly happy.
I tend to love like ive never been hurt every time I fall for someone but sometimes its a case of LTQ
A
female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (3 July 2008):
 It will seem like that for now - but you won;t regret having done this. You couldn't have let things keep plodding along, you did the right thing by being honest and communicating with her. She'll appreciate that one day too...but give yourselves time.
I hope things brighten up for you both real soon! Big hug!
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A
male
reader, LTQ +, writes (3 July 2008):
LTQ is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, Its over. She decided she doesn't want to continue the relationship. I feel like ive lost a very special girl. But at the same time im strangely calm and accepting of it. She is a very down to earth person and as always when a relationship ends you think you'll never find that special someone again.
I feel better though coz I felt like I wasn't being honest with her about how I felt.
I do love her but I didn't know in what capacity. I only hope we can stay in touch and maybe in the future "if its meant to be, its meant to be"
Im sad but I think I did the right thing, She deserves honesty so thats what I gave her. Only its to my own detriment.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (2 July 2008):
 Look, I think you've done a very brave thing, so please don't take this as a bash. She may be so hurt right now that sarcasm and being flip are defense mechanisms. So give her some time to process, work through this major shift of plans.
She may retaliate out of hurt right now, so take everything she says with a grain of salt. Scratch that, with an entire shaker of salt.
You've got things out in the open now, and that with honesty and caring, will get you through this. Thanks for the update. Just be honest, and gentle and don't succumb to a bitchy fight, even though you might be challenged on all fronts now.
Be the good guy I sense in you, the one who cared enough to ask this question here.
Hoping for the best outcome for you.
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A
male
reader, LTQ +, writes (2 July 2008):
LTQ is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, Ive told her and shes not very happy. She says she cant remember saying that she was staying here for me but thats why Im so perplexed by this situation. If I knew she wasn't just staying for me then I wouldn't be so uptight about the situation.
Now im not sure if she wants to be with me at all. Im absolutely 100% certain that she told me she was staying here for me. And now all I get is a sarcastic answer saying "oh yhea, yhea no your right i did say that"
Guess ill just wait and see.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 July 2008):
I wish you the best of luck with this very difficult conversation. You may be surprised that she knows you're not 100% on board with her...
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A
male
reader, LTQ +, writes (2 July 2008):
LTQ is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks girls. You've just confirmed my own thoughts. Its so hard im so devastated at the moment. She gets home in like 40mins. Ive been trying to pull myself together all day but it just gets worse the closer it gets. She such a beautiful girl she loves my unconditionally. I knew I would have to talk to her but hoped it would be easier.
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A
male
reader, LTQ +, writes (2 July 2008):
LTQ is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks girls. You've just confirmed my own thoughts. Its so hard im so devastated at the moment. She gets home in like 40mins. Ive been trying to pull myself together all day but it just gets worse the closer it gets. She such a beautiful girl she loves my unconditionally. I knew I would have to talk to her but hoped it would be easier.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 July 2008):
Hi, it does sound like you moved in together very early in the relationship. The trouble with that is often that you find you are not as compatible as that first intense feeling of love makes you think you are, and you're finding this out the hard way.
You really have no choice but to tell her, because you're obviously not going to be happy with the current set up. Project forward 6 months or one year; you'll be miserable, feeling that you cannot talk about what's troubling you, and you'll be even more enmeshed in each other's lives. Do you follow that train of thought?
You need to talk to her now, as soon as possible, before she makes any long term plans. I know it will be difficult, but honesty really is best for her and you. She needs to be able to make plans on the foundation of a stable relationship, and this one is not rock solid just yet. It might be, given time, but you both need to realize that it's really too early to be making such life-altering decisions yet.
Cross-cultural relationships are challenging, and require extra effort and understand by both parties. I know of several long term couples who are from entirely different countries and backgrounds who make it work, but it involves a LOT of work. And working at a relationship doesn't sound that romantic, really, but that is what needs to happen in order for the bond to survive.
So tell her now, I know it will be the most difficult conversation you will have had up till now, but it can't wait. Be loving, and gentle and kind, but do not give her any false hopes about where you are with her right now.
Take care, and keep us posted.
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A
female
reader, pashanoodle +, writes (2 July 2008):
Yes, this is a hard situation - there is no easy answer for you. I think Eyeswideopen is right though, the doubts you are describing are not minor, and it is unfair to leave this girl in the dark if you are feeling like you say you are. Talk to her.
There's a chance your anxiety is about other 'stuff'...and not her in particular, for example; fear of commitment, but unless you can sort out what it is things will only get worse...particularly if she commits to staying without knowing your doubts!
Opening up may not seem like a 'good' option (it won;t be an easy thing to do)...but think of the potential consequences if you don;t!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (2 July 2008):
 Tell her straight up how you feel, if you don't you are being unkind. Relationships don't always work out and you rather rushed into this one now didn't you? Just be upfront and honest with her. Cruel to be kind scenario. Good luck Buddy.
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