A
female
age
41-50,
*orceedea
writes:So there's this guy I have been talking to and seeing for 8 months now. My mother says I should not date him or even think about it cause he's younger then me and that a relationship with him won't last. He say's he's interested in me, wants to be with me, and do anything to be at my level. He comes to visit and see me every single day but decided to stop cause my mom told him he needs to give me space. When he does come, my mother tells him that he's not at my level, that he's too young for me, that he likes me now because I look good for my age but that when he's my age he'll change his mind, cheat on me, and find somebody else. The list goes on! I like him but I have doubts and these doubts are holding me back. He's 22 and I'm 32 turning 33 on July. My mother say's he only likes me because I can support him with my career and finish raising him. He's only got a high school diploma and works for Lowe's as a sales man. I have a Bachelor's degree working on my Master's degree working as a Substitute Teacher. He say's he wants to go to school and I encourage him to do so and tell him I will help him if need be. He says my age does not matter to him cause his step dad is 10 yrs younger then his mom and they've been together for 8 yrs. He told me that he can easily fall in love with me and would try to prove that he's not like other guys.However, Friday night he called me saying that he thinks he should stop talking to me all together because people like talking s**t he's going to stop talking to me all together. I kept asking him who? What? Where did this come from? Why is he saying that? And he just continuously kept repeating himself and wouldn't tell me a thing. I got upset with him because he kept repeating himself and wouldn't talk to me. After that convo, we both did not talk to each other or see each other for two days straight. Up until today he calls me asking if he can use my computer and to talk. We talked about what has been going on and he said he feels disrespected because my family always has a negative comment about him. He said he thinks that we should be friends because my family will always butt in (mainly my mom). He says he feels like she treats me like a child. So idk what to think. Is it wrong for me to like and look at someone younger then me that way? Do you think he is honestly just playing with me or using me as my mother said? I'm still upset and honestly don't know what to think. Any advice and feedback will be much appreciated. He thinks my family hates him. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2014): Granted he is young and your mom is always going to worry about you .. but you do what you want to do . yes he is 11 years younger and not as such a good job , but over the next 10 years he could have a career change and be earning more than you . maybe he is at the having fun and getting to know yourself stage yet you are at the ready to settle down stage .who knows but only you can find out
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 April 2014):
 A mere ten year gap? I’m 54 and my husband will turn 41 his next birthday… we are a bit more than 13 years apart. However we did not meet till my husband was past 35 and did not marry till he was 39. I am sure that when he was 22 and I was 35 it would NOT have worked for us.
I’m concerned that at 32 your mother is so very involved in your life enough that she can speak to your boyfriend personally. It makes it sound like you may be less mature than many women your age and in that case it may be a great fit for you and your young man.
IF you like him and he likes you and you two are happy spending time together then this to me is a no brainer.
I would tell your mother that you are an adult and you no longer need her guidance unless you specifically ask for it. This was a very hard thing for me when I was your age and I worked with a therapist to extract myself from my mother’s interference. I was told that I needed to be an adult without my mom being my mom… and it took me shocking her to get her to back off.
WHO you date is NOT your family’s business… time will prove to them that he’s serious, however you may find in a few years that your biological clock is going off and he’s not in the same place. I do however have friends with a bigger gap who married when the husband was 21 to the wife’s 35. Their daughter is 5 now and they are all blissfully still happy and together. I danced at their wedding.
IF you like him and he likes you.. tell mom to back off. And support your man.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2014): I think you need to move out of home and get your own life, OP, or if you're at home to take care of your mother then you need to stand up to her and tell her to butt out.
She may be right, OP, it may not last if you get with this guy, but if you like him and want to then go for it anyway and take the risk.
This is your life and not your mother's, you really need to start making your own decisions in life.
OP your mother is going to fault in any guy you decide to date who isn't exactly the guy she pictures being perfect for you. You've been talking to and seeing this guy 8 months now, time to decide for you what you want to do and make your family respect your decision.
I honestly don't understand why this guy is still around, he must really like you because it sounds like you live in Bate's Motel, Norman Bates had a mother that was the exact same. I would have run a mile a long time ago if I was that guy because at your age your mother's opinion is irrelevant, it's worth considering but it should not put off doing things in life.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (1 April 2014):
 You are 32 and your mom is telling your BF to back off? That makes you sound like a 16 year old, not a WOMAN of 32.
I agree with Auntie Oldbag!
Honestly it seems like a silly question, but what do YOU want? DO you want to get to know him better? Do YOU want to date him? If so why not go on dates OUTSIDE the house? Spend time together AWAY from your family?
JUST because he is younger then you doesn't mean he is AUTOMATICALLY using you. But it doesn't mean that you two are a great fit either.
He is 22 so barely out of high-school and working a job - you are 32 and a whole decade ahead of him. However from what you write you two could easily be on the same level.
However, I don't think your family would make it easy for you to date him (or anyone else really) and THAT is the crux of it all.
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A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (1 April 2014):
 Why not simply move to your own place - your 32 not 16 and can make up your own mind about who you have visiting without anyone commenting
Yes your Mum may be right, she sees him with you, maybe you should listen to her advice. I would certainly consider her views. Mums want us to be happy.
Your doing your Masters so perhaps she sees you as a young student still, rather than an adult, as your still dependant on her in a way
Try and step back and decide what YOU want, not what he or your family want.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2014): I think you should live your own life and do what YOU want to do.
However, I agree with your family that I don't believe it's going anywhere because these are two VERY different stages in your life. In 10 years, it wouldn't matter so much, but he's probably still a kid half of the time, it's unlikely that you are.
What "help" would you be willing to give him for him to go back to school? If you mean financially, that's his job and/or his parents' job and I think that's something your mother is worried about (valid concern).
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