A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I just met this amazing girl, She is great we get along so well and have alot of things in common . She has a great since of humor and honestly is the nicest girl I have ever dated and not to mention most attractive. The only problem is she dosen't drive she has bad anxiety and suffer's from depression at times so much that she takes meds for it and in on assistance so dosen't have a job. She dose have some money from the assistance she gets not much but she gets a monthly check. I really like this girl but me driving 15 mins to see her back and forth is adding up. I don't want to sound like a Jerk but, then I pay for her when we go out it just adds up. She has often payed for me too because I have been broke from all driving and stuff and she dosen't mind it but I feel bad when she dose because I know she don't have much. She even is cool with staying in at my place and just hanging out there so I know she is not money hungry or anything, It's just I don't know what to do? I like her but I feel like this needs to be more 50 / 50. any advice would help ??
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (18 October 2013):
 OP, you might want to re-examine whether this woman is really a good fit for you. What you have now is the best it's ever going to get. And the challenges you're now facing are only the tip of the iceberg.
As a person who has never collected a dime in tax payer assistance and who knows several truly disabled people (2 legally blind, 1 deaf, 1 quadriplegic, 2 amputees and one who walks with a cane), all gainfully employed and supporting themselves I must confess I have limited sympathy for this woman.
When you run out of money, you have to work to earn more. Everything she has she gets for free. It may not be much, but she didn't have to lift a finger for it. This is not simply a disparity in income but a fundamental difference in attitude.
I can relate to some of her fears. For reasons I won't get into, I have always been prone to anxiety and obsessive compulsive tendencies. Many years ago those anxieties developed into full blown phobias. Several of them crippling, including the fear of driving which I stopped doing for nearly a decade. I could barely leave the house, but I did because I had to earn a living. And that necessity gave me the incentive and the opportunity to work on overcoming many of my phobias, which I have. It is a process, but with time, effort determination and an open mind I have made a great deal of progress.
Your lady friend has no such incentive and therefore she is unlikely to make any improvements in the foreseeable future. If you want this courtship to grow into a relationship you'll have to accept that things will remain one sided. Either enjoy what time you have with her and figure out how to spend time together without also spending money, or find someone who shares your goals and ideals.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2013): Cindy cares posted a very good answer. Since you have gone to the effort of posting, the whole situation clearly bothers you. Deep down I suspect you feel that she is not good enough for you. The 15 mins each way especially in USA would normally be deemed as nothing, I suspect you don't like the depression or the anxiety and feel in some way that if you are together people may look down on you for being with someone like that. Personally I think you are trying to find excuses to have reasons to get rid of her. She sounds like a nice girl but is not suitable for your view on life and where you see yourself. I don't think there is anything wrong with this, I myself could never date someone who could not drive however nice they are I would always feel there was something lacking in them and that I was going to be used to fill that void. I am not happy with people who do not in my opinion add to the relationship as much as I am giving normally materially in my view although I can see with this lady that she is unable to do more. She sounds nice and kind but I don't think she will keep your interest as I suspect you would like more of a high flyer with no baggage who offers as much as you do materially and has a more even mental state
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 October 2013):
 Well, unluckily you know this cannot be more 50/50 with HER because it's not as if she is scrounging or taking advantage , she is just not in the best place ever with her life. She is ill with depression, on benefits , broke and unemployed. Call me naive, but I don't think this is a condition most people would like to keep staying , just for the sake of bumming a ride home . I think , at least for the time being, what you see is what you get, - she is doing what she can, taking meds, paying whenever it is possible, even mantaining a sense of humour in a situation where most people would not find anything to laugh about- yet, this is unluckily not enough to overcome all the financial and psychological challenges she faces.
It's only up to you, really- do the math and see if the positives ( ayyractive, sense of humour, etc. ) are enough to compensate the drawbacks. If they are, keep dating her and comfort yourself thinking that nobody is perfect.
If, in your opinion, basically the hassle and the expenses aren't worth what you get ( which is, I guess, basically what you are implying )- then you should call it quits and find someone more up to your standards.
It's simply a questions of maths, really- and of knowing your priorities. One plus for every " my GF must have " she 's got , one minus for every dealbreaker or almost deal breaker. The result should indicate your course of action.
My personal guess is that, no matter what you say, you don't like her that much . Moaning about a 15 minutes ride ( 30 both ways ) ? That's unusual said by an American. If you were an European where the culture is a little bit less car- based , and there are quite a few physically and mentally normal people who don't drive / don't own a car, I could see how you would factor an extra 30 min. drive in your romance. But, in USA, ... that would be simply " the cost of doing business ", - whether it is driving for getting sex and romance , or getting food, or entertainment, etc. You want to get something- you drive for it- that's the general ingrained mentality . If it bothers you so much- maybe you are not that into her after all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2013): 50/50? If my husband was like you he would never be my husband.
She has no money. The assistance you are talking about is just enough for her bills and simple food. Believe me, if she pays for you one day, then next day she won't eat. I was on assistance and I know it's the bare minimum. You are very calculative with gas money and all. Are you poor? If you are than every penny matters , but if you are ok, half an hour of driving is nothing, it's like $3 in gas money, if that. And anyway, what do you want her to do? Reimburse you for gas?
I think you need a different girlfriend, the one that is comfortable with money, so she could split every step of the way with you. This one is poor, if she has medical condition like depression that put her on disability, she might never recover and this will be her financial situation for years to come.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2013): What you say makes sense and I'm glad you realize that her not being able to pay is out of her control. I know that driving back and fourth is adding up, but is there public transportation she can use to go see YOU? Even if public transportation only gets her halfway to where you are, you'll still save some gas money. Or, you can see each other less and make the times you DO see eachother more special one-on-one. I'm sure you can look up free date ideas so that neither of you spend any money. And while most things in a relationship should be equal effort, sometimes 50/50 is impossible. The biggest thing is that it sounds like you like eachother for who you are and it's not about the money for either one of you. Just find ways for YOU to spend less money and still see her. No one should break the bank in a relationship or dating scenario
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