A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I lied to my boyfriend about my online- activities prior to us moving in together. When he found out, I denied it, then I changed my story and told him what I was doing (emblishing the facts as I thought it was what he wanted to hear), I then took that back, and said I was lieing again!. Fast foward 18 months, and we have been round and round in circles, I have finally told him the truth, and have continued to do so for the past 8 or so months. He cannot belive me, says that what I tell him doesn't make sence. We have a good week, then we have a week, of him not speaking to me, and then a good week. I am so broken up inside, I love this man more than anything, but he just can't trust me, weither it be about my previous life or what I had for lunch. What do I do? how can i regain his trust. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2012): you should be addressing what you did that you lied and lied about, but you dont look to be interested about that. no wonder he doesnt trust you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2012): Has it not crossed your mind that you are with the wrong guy?Even now there is not even any thought for him.That is not true love.It is not love whatsoever.You may only be with him because you think you wont meet anyone else.Let the truth set you free.Have respect for him and let him go.
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female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (7 February 2012):
This should be about you behaving like a real girlfriend and not putting yourself in situations like this. Instead your only concern is making him trust you. You just dont get it do you?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2012): Try being someone he doesnt have to ask questions to. Make him proud to be with you,not ashamed,paranoid or disgusted. Tackle the real problem instead of misdirecting it. The way you have handled this may eventualy make him walk out on you. No one wants that level of disrespect.
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male
reader, somewhere86  +, writes (6 February 2012):
There is always a chance to build a trusting relationship although lies have a terrible way of destoying love and respect. Tell the truth to him from now on. Don't leave parts of the truth out or change things slightly. Be straighforward and clear about who you are and what you want out of life. Strive to behave in a way so that if the person you most respect in life knew everything about you, they would feel proud of you in everything you say and do.The truth will probably make sense to him. Good luck in eradicating lies from your life.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2012): You are asking the wrong question. What you should ask is 'my boyfriend found out, how do i get out unblemished?' okay, well you wont. Dont tell him you are sorry if thats a lie too. I really find it strange that he's not felt so insulted, that he's not moved many miles away from you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2012): you are broken up inside, but what about him? it`s a miracle that he`s still with you. you have been caught with your hands in the cookie jar, your only concern is that he shuts up about it. let him go and grow up a bit before entering any more relationships. "i love this man more than anything" err right. time you stopped lying to yourself too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2012): It would be pointless talking to him if he wont believe you. What exactly was the online activity? It appears that you can`t even ask honest questions, let alone give honest answers.
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female
reader, delightful84 +, writes (6 February 2012):
It`s likely he has caught you on a dating site and even though he knew you still continued to lie. This question misses out the point, so you`re still far from honest. I dont think you even care what you did, but only that he doesnt trust you. How can you expect ANYBODY to trust you?
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 February 2012):
 I wouldn't believe you either. You present as aged 36-40 and currently living in Australia. Is that the truth or another lie.. you sure your not a 15year old living in America?
You say you lied about your online activities. Now like your boyfriend, after reading your story I'm not sure what to think. Is anything in your story true? Online activities, what is that, you lied about using facebook, your addicted to warcraft? Or is that code for being on a sex site and making dates to meet strange men behind your boyfriends back?
You say you love him, but what kind of love is it that lies and lies and lies?
You said you've been truthful for 8 months, or is it 6 months.. 8 months or so, do you mean you've been truthful for a week?
Your a grown, adult woman... didn't anyone tell you not to lie? Why do I get the feeling that you've lied all your life, your not sorry, you don't really understand what you did wrong and the first chance you get you'll start lying again?
That's the thing about lies, your boyfriend probably thinks you've even lied about your name. What's true, what's a lie, who is to know unless they see it with their own eyes.
Put yourself in your boyfriends place. One lie is bad, but you lie, then you lie about the lie, then you lie again, you lie so much that even I'm confused. Would you trust you? If he acted like you would you trust him to leave the house without you by his side. Would you stay with a person who lied and lied like you?
What can you do.. Well keep telling the truth now, no matter how hard it is until the day you die. How can you get him to trust. That is hard. Only a fool trusts someone who keeps lying. He's not doing this to hurt you, but how can he believe a word you say when you keep changing your story.
You may say your going to the park, how does he know your not running off to meet one of your online men friends. We usually trust people to go where they say there going, but you've messed up on that one. There is no longer any trust about anything.
Tell the truth all the time. Keep reassuring him your sorry and you love him. Don't get angry when he insults you on this, he is probably damn angry and hurt and suspicious.. I know that I would be.
One good thing.. he aint left yet, so that means he loves you and he's willing to give your relationship a good try. Apologise, apologise, explain why you messed up so bad. That's the only thing that might help. But then again he may never trust you again.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (6 February 2012):
 You know, if your focus is on getting HIM to trust you again, then you have the wrong focus, and you're still going down the wrong path.
Here's why I say this -- this isn't about you lying. This is about the activities to begin with while you were still together. You didn't mention what they were, but I'll venture a guess that had your boyfriend been doing the same things, you would have felt that he was not being entirely faithful.
That's the root of it. It's not enough to work on making him trust you again. You must work on becoming a better person. More loyal, more honest not only with him, but yourself. Why did you do these things in the first place when you were with him? Are you truly into him, and if you were, why would you lie to him over and over again, not being honest in the first place?
You must evaluate your true feelings for him, as no one who is totally in love with someone and wanting to build a life together wants to do anything disloyal.
You must also work on yourself. Your honesty, your loyalty, your integrity. This is REGARDLESS of whether he ever regains trust in you. You must become trustworthy for you alone. If you lose interest in someone, have the courage to break up rather than cheat or be disloyal or flirt online with others while putting up a facade of loyalty. It's that thing in you that tempted you to do this that you need to address, because the lying is only a symptom, and working to regain his trust is only a bandaid, leaving the root cause as a festering ulcer under the surface of your heart.
I think you need to let him distrust you. I think you need to have all the patience in the world with him now, and calmly and lovingly allow your actions to refute every distrustful feeling he has. If this means that you are eager to show him the truth of things, then that's what it takes. Because if you get indignant and start up the "Why don't you trust me now?!" stuff, you're not ready. Remember, you caused the breech of trust.
Trust is like a large building or a major bridge that gets hit by a tornado. It is destroyed in an instant and takes years to rebuild. However, if you're patient about rebuilding it, and most importantly, you have the courage to face yourself and the cause of why you did what you did in the first place that you had to lie about, then eventually, you can rebuild yourself.
I'm serious though...if you're not wanting to be with him, or if there's any reservations about you and him together, and there's something missing in your relationship, best to make a break and let him find someone else with no reservations. Honesty first, and that means with yourself, inside and out.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2012): Seeing as you have done so much lying, when yot do tell the truth he wont know. I think it has probably destroyed any chance of a happy balanced relationship now. Online activity? You aint meaning wacky date site cheating are you? If you are then its suprising you guys are still together. Either way its more or less doomed now because he has learned not to believe anything you say to him. He is never going to know whether you are lying or not.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (6 February 2012):
Hi there. It's not really surprising is it, when you keep changing your story?
You say one thing, then you back up later and say something else.
Honesty is the best policy.
At least then people know where they stand with you, and that is what builds trust.
It's very hard to lie. Lying doesn't come naturally.
When you tell one lie, you then have to make up another lie to agree with that lie, otherwise your story does not make sense.
And it's very easy to forget what you previously said in the original lie, and that's what brings people undone.
The person listening to the lie picks up on the discrepancy and sees the direct contradiction and probably at that point, mentions it to you.
So you can see how quickly things can get out of control.
You have to make up another lie to cover he first lie, and then another lie to cover that lie, and on and on it goes.
It can get to a point where even you get confused!
It's always best to be honest with everyone. Sure, they might be disappointed over some things, but not half as much as they would be if they found out you lied in the first place.
Now you are really battling to be trusted at all! And it's going to be an uphill battle to work your way back to being trusted again.
Perhaps you could call a truce with him now.
You could sit him down and have a heart to heart talk with him about why you lied.
It's probably more crucial for him to know just "Why" you did lie in the first place.
Whether you straight out blatantly lied to him, or whether you lied by omission.
It's always important to look at the reasons for lying in the first place.
Perhaps you were afraid of being judged by him, or even ridiculed by him in some way.
And if that's the case, you just need to trust and have confidence in yourself and believe in yourself.
He might not always like everything that you do, but if he knows he can trust you, well then that puts a whole different light on things.
The other reason for not trusting you is that he doesn't know what else you might be lying about.
The thought might go through his head that you could be seeing other men behind his back.
He's not to know, is he?
If he was lying to you and you caught him out on it, you would probably be thinking the very same thing.
So if you see things from both sides, it does change how you act in future situations.
If you want him to trust you completely, you need to be totally honest with him about everything.
Don't leave out vital details only to have him find out through the grapevine later on. Then it's too late.
If you want him to trust you, you have to be someone who can be trusted.
Starting, by telling the whole truth.
Then being where you told him you would be and being with who you said you would be with. And doing what you said you would be doing.
Then over time, the trust will gradually build up again.
Once he can start trusting you again, then you can start to grow emotionally close, and that's what you really want and he does also.
It will take time though.
If you love him enough and care about him enough, well then you will do whatever it takes to build that trust.
You will also earn his respect.
You have to show integrity.
Be a woman of your word - always.
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A
male
reader, Uncle_Unsparing +, writes (6 February 2012):
"What do I do? how can i regain his trust."
Well, technically you can't "regain" his trust when you never did anything to earn it from him in the first place.
Semantics aside, nothing you can do to "regain" his trust. All you can do is not give him any further reason to distrust you while giving him all the time he needs to be able to come to terms with your previous multiple deceits and come to a decision about whether he can ever trust you, which he may not be able to do no matter how long you're willing to wait. I sure as hell wouldn't ever trust you if I was him.
He knows that not only are you capable of lying to him, but that you are also capable of failing to immediately come clean when he catches you lying to him AND you are also capable of lying to him on a whim to suit your immediate convenience.
If you "love this man more than anything" you should be grateful he hasn't tossed you out on your ear already like most self-respecting guys would have long ago, so eat your humble pie in silence and stop whining.
Actions have consequences, your lies on top of lies on top of lies have only compounded his misery, so maybe its best for you to just shut up and when he chooses to speak to you, scrupulously tell the truth. If you can.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 February 2012):
 You need to talk to him and ask him how you can regain his trust.
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