A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 21 year old adult so this may come off as kind of pathetic but I need some help please. For the last few years of my life I've been feeling jealous of people who are wealthy families and people who are just given whatever they want. Growing up with a single mother raising me and my brother, we were always poor and didn't have much at all. My mother worked very hard and I love her to death I am not in anyway saying it's her fault, but we just struggled so much. Now that I've been an adult who works as hard as they can just to pay bills, I simply still cannot afford things that most of my friends and other people in my town have, just like my life has always been. The nice new cars, the nice clothes, the newest cell phone, all of that.And I'm not saying money is everything because to me it really isn't, I know what it's like to not have things. it's just been frustrating for me I guess. It bothers me when I see people literally just given a new car or an extragavent gift, because I've never been given anything like that, I've always had to work hard for the things I have. In some ways I guess it doesn't feel fair to me. Has anyone else ever felt this way? I feel so selfish but I can't help how I feel, I could really use some advice.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (24 April 2015):
 Yes, I know the feeling. We grew up poor as well with a single mom, and those who haven't been there really just don't get it. None of my boyfriends ever understood when I refused to throw away leftovers. When I grew up we saved EVERYTHING. Even things on the brink of being spoiled, or even that which was spoiled. My mom would just cut off the spoiled part and use the rest, or pour the sour milk in a soup and cook it. Throwing away? Ha! Never! And never both cheese AND ham on a sandwich. That was a waste.
No one gets that, unless they grew up with that. People might say "oh yeah, we didn't have much either, I had to use a really old computer when I was a kid and it was in my brothers room" or something like that. I say whuuut? You siblings had your own bedrooms? Lol Computers? Hahaha, no, these people have no idea.
Growing up taking the bus around is also something special, I haven't met yet anyone else who grew up taking the bus. I remember clearly the day we got a car, because I was quite grown up then. I remember I was scared to death, because I was convinced my mom couldn't drive!
Ah, this brings back memories. Yeah, it sucks being poor. It sucks not having gone on those vacations everyone else brags about. It sucked being the only one in class who didn't have some fancy story to tell when the teacher asked about summer vacation (I was at home... no wait, I was in summer school, because my mom was working and couldn't afford to take time off).
Yeah, it sucks. And I still feel resentful towards those who got it all paid for and placed on a silver platter. And I feel disgust when adults my own age complain about how their parents only helped them pay for some of what they, in my book, should have paid for entirely by themselves. And I feel aggravated when I see parents with big pockets buying apartments for their adult children, because buying a place to live is so expensive, and their poor "little ones" can't be bothered to rent and work and pay their own way in life.
I try to not be bitter. But then, the rare times when I come across someone who grew up just as poor as me, and I hear they feel exactly the same way.. well, I say why not be bitter. We can allow ourselves that. And I also now know how to survive on very little, so whilst others would collapse and lose all hope if they, for example, lost their job, I know how to get by. I know how to survive, whilst those with cushions sewn under their armpits do not.
I also promise you, it gets better and easier to let go of this resentment and bitterness as you get more money in your bank account. When I landed my first decently paid job, I started to feel rather good about things. Also, even if people get money from their parents and can afford better things (or often, parents with money have influence and get you into a better position in life through their network etc), doesn't mean they wont have to suffer through some shit in life as well. There's a balance in the universe, they will go through other types of shit that you wont have to. In the end, life isn't so unfair after all. You go through your hardship now, they will go through theirs later.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2015): Life is NOT fair.
Harsh,but true. The truth is often ugly and not the easy option to live with. But it's all we have.
Learning that life is indeed NOT fair (and accepting it!) is part of the process of growing up, I think.
Not a fair comparison maybe,but think of it as a pair of tits-some are gifted great ones and you might wish and wish and wish to have the same ones as them,but no matter how much wishing you do, you'll not get it (naturally, I mean).
You're just born with them. That's it. Keep working your way up and I think in future, you'll be able to appreciate what you have much MORE than the people surrounding you now. To them those flashy things are so normal, they don't even feel "special"... It's like buying burgers from McDonald's for them. Totally of no consequence, thus being unable to appreciate that the hungry guy around the corner might not have enough change to get some for himself...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2015): You are very young and there is a very powerful emphasis placed on material things in our world. The media and advertising just feeds on the greed. Everyone receives their blessings in different ways. There are people your age with plenty of money; that would give it all up, if their parents cared for them even a tiny bit as much as your hard-working mother cares for you and your brother.
To feel such a way is almost blaming her for not giving you lots of "things." She gave you both something more precious.
Her love. She dedicated her life to caring for you, all by herself. It was a labor of love, and she struggled through it all with very little help. There were nights she probably cried herself to sleep; but got up for work and took care of you both anyway.
She toiled every day of her life to give you what she could. So feeling so envious about "things" sort of puts her down. If you really look at it. If you stop and look back, there were probably some gifts she came up with for you or your brother you know she couldn't afford; but somehow, she made it happen. It may not have been the top of the line, but her heart was in giving you what you wanted. Even if she had to sacrifice something she needed for herself.
Why people think people of privilege and wealth are 100% happy; because they can accumulate a lot of things, is just being on the outside looking in. The more you have, the more problems you have keeping it; and worrying about losing it. You just have different problems, and still feel a sense of need for whatever is missing in your life.
We all wish we could never have to worry about a dime, and could have a lot of things. You just shouldn't spend so much time feeling deprived of "stuff." Appreciate all good things that come your way.
If you want something expensive, you just have to work for it. Everyone feels there's something the other person has that they want. Even people who have practically everything.
Even those people you see with an arm-full of shopping bags filled with expensive stuff. They are trying to feed their emptiness with things, but you just end-up wanting and buying more things. If they were so happy, why do they commit suicide, and whine so much? Why do they do so many crazy things and risk their health and safety? Shouldn't having money please every need they have? There is still a need and emptiness that even money can't fill. It's feeling cared about.
At your age, it's quite normal to let the media make you more sensitive to your poverty. There is an upside to that.
It forces you to set goals and to achieve success. It gives you the motivation to reach for what you want, and work hard enough to get it; or provide for those you love.
My father struggled all his life. Went to night school to earn his undergraduate degree. Later in life, he went back for his MBA with four kids (and one on the way) to feed! Working two jobs, and still attending school! It paid-off. He was a self-made man, who reached success and gave us everything he and his siblings never had.
He always reminded us of his humble-beginnings and never allowed us to be greedy, spoiled, or snobbish. Else we'd be ashamed of how poor he was when he was a child. I mean dirt poor! My mother is Native American, and grew up poor on a reservation. Need I say more? Her father opened his own business. He struggled and it failed. He lost a house in foreclosure; but he and my grandmother kept at it, and made that business work. It did so well, all their six kids went to private schools. They moved into a big house. My mother says the best times were before they had a lot of stuff. People expected them to behave a certain way and she didn't like the phony snobbish girls she went to school with.
I came along at the beginning of my father's financial
success. My older brothers and sister remember when they got nothing for Christmas a couple of times. My parents couldn't afford it. They had a warm house, good food, warm beds, decent clothes, and two people who adored us as much as life itself.
Count your blessings! Share with those who have less, be thankful for what you have, continue to work hard; and many blessings will come your way.
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