A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've noticed that when my boyfriend is feeling down about something, or bored, he looks up his ex girlfriends facebook page. For example, he injured himself training before a competition at the weekend and was quite angry about it, and he looked up his ex's page a couple of times on the following Monday. He seems to do it most when tired or stressed. Is there a connection? She wasn't particularly nice to him, he hated the fact that she was controlling and it took him a good while to get over her and her son. He reckons he is a much stronger person now because of it. So is it when he's feeling tired and weak or something that he looks at her page? I know he loves me, he shows it in all other ways, this is my only issue with him! We have talked about it and explains as best he can, but he doesn't like me bringing it up anymore, it pisses him off because he has explained it as much as possible and he reckons there is nothing more to talk about...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2013): When someone has explained something to you more than once, your persistence about it is "nagging." Unlike women, men do not like discussing their "feelings" or emotions. It makes us feel weak, and we don't like feeling vulnerable when we're fighting to regain our strength.
His job is not to reassure you of all your insecurities about things. You mention in your post how good the relationship is going. Then why do you persist on asking him why he goes to the Facebook page? If you didn't know the history, you'd have reasons for concern and would deserve answers. Sometimes things you think and feel are your own; and they shouldn't have to be explained. In this case, he tried.
If I could drive just one thing into the mind of a person who is insecure, it would be this. Insecurity kills relationships. You fear is he's missing her. You've never had someone in your past-life that never once entered your thoughts since you broke up? You don't have to just wonder, you can hit a key and there they are.
People do not owe you an explanation of why they do everything they do. There are some areas in our minds that are completely private. Relationships require trust. That means, if he or she hasn't done anything wrong, or there is no evidence that he/she has done anything wrong; then "trust" that there is nothing wrong.
Base your actions and questions on evidence, not suspicion.
People reminisce about their past good times, old lovers, and school days. It is usually when we are alone, or profoundly sad, that nostalgia creeps up on us. If you are aware that he looks at her Facebook page; then it's no secret that he does it. He has fond memories. He also may be reminding himself how glad he is to be over her, and wonders now and then who else she is screwing over. Just being nosy.
An ex is an ex for a reason. They are not totally deleted from memory. Although we wish we could. Social media has made things possible, that goes beyond just having a memory. You can attach a face, story, profile, and status of people in our past. It's a scrapbook that updates.
There is no doubt in my mind that your insecurity will lead to snooping. Snooping will lead to an argument, and an argument will stress your relationship. He will tire of your insecurity. That is the cycle.
I advise women all the time on this site. Those who don't listen learn their lesson the hard way. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. It's best to delete people from Facebook after a breakup. Honestly, no one is going to do that nowadays.
Don't meddle or try reading a man's mind. Don't try reading the future. Mind your own business when he hasn't done anything wrong.
Don't worry about what the connection is. It has nothing to do with you or your present relationship. It is a matter of the past. Things he may still be working out.
One thing I can assure you, if he has any intention of going back to his ex, he will let you know. If things are good between you, you're all he needs; and his ex is nothing but a memory.
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