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writes: I found out about 2 weeks ago that my wife had an affair. It was about 10 years ago (we were married at that time) and lasted for 6 weeks. I know for sure there has been no other affair since. However, although I know for sure it finished after 6 weeks, it finished because she had to make a choice between me and him. We live on opposite sides of the world she could not see both of us. If she had not had to make that choice at that time it may not have finished at that time. However the two of them have remained in touch ever since. My wife does not know I know. I found out by accidentally seeing an email of hers in the preview pane when I was fixing her computer. My first reaction was to confront her about this, but I don't know if it would do any good. For me I always felt the strongest part of our relationship was complete mutual trust and we always said this to each other. This discovery for me has now destroyed all the trust I had for her. It is affecting me now. I do not want to have sex with her and am even trying to avoid sleeping in the same bed, by working late and staying in a hotel or saying I got up because I could not sleep and sleeping on the sofa. But where do I go from here?
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female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (29 June 2006):
 You have to tell her that you know if you are ever going to clear your head again. You cant move on wihtout at least discussing this with her, your putting yourself through some torture and at the moment the way you are going you will enevitably drift apart from her. Im guessing you dont want that, but soon shes going to see that somethings up and probably think that you are cheating by avoiding her, not having sex with her, staying away! Your bound to be hurt, confused and not sure where to go, but you need to talk to her, and let it all out and see if you can make some sense of the madness. Its no good going through your head the ifs and whys etc and filling in the gaps yourself as your re writing it in a manner they way you think it happend. YOu dont know for sure why it happend, and if it would have carried on. I know you feel that your marriage has been a lie, but do you want to give her the chance to tell you what it was or just brand her anyway... Its wrong what she did, but she did commit herself to you and always has done since, you said that yourself. Sit her down and try and talk this over, she will probably be very remorseful for what she has done, for all you know she senses an incling that you may know, and thats going to cause unrest. talk to her and talk to her soon, you love her, shes loves you, it was a mistake a long time ago, let it all out and move on or you will always be feeling like this. Rebuild it, you know its what you want and in the long run it will be worth it.
Good luck take care x
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male
reader, Dr. Reality Check +, writes (28 June 2006):
 If you dont tell your wife, then these demons will porbably circle in your head for an eternity. You and your wife should lay your feelings out on the table together, as it is the only way you can ever have a chance to truly trust her again. Good luck to you.
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female
reader, camille +, writes (28 June 2006):
 You tackle it head on. You have to. You have a right to. You are obviously plagued by the fact that IF she'd not HAD to choose, it may have continued. You must try to take some comfort from the fact that she did have to choose and she chose YOU. The effect it's having will not just disappear and it will manifest in other ways. It won't be long before you're under suspicion so you may as well sort it out. What I suggest is that you write her a letter so that she has time to take it in and you do not start shouting at each other. The fact that it was 10 years ago is no comfort to you because it's all such new news and the pain is now. I have to say I don't agree with the fact they are still in contact and perhaps that's a reasonable request you could put to your wife. I don't see how you can move forward without their contact being broken. Maybe to show some respect she will do this. If the past 10 years have been free from any other affiar, also see that your wife is not necessarily a serial cheater and that it IS behind you even though it's very current for you. It may be the actual affair, the secrecy or the continued contact that bothers you most (or all 3 combined), but I don't think you should suffer in silence. Good luck and I hope you can forgive your wife and in time build the trust back up.
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