A
female
age
36-40,
*trou09
writes:My ex and I had a baby, she is 2 now. We really never got along, but when we did it was great. About when my daughter was one there were more problems between us- just trying to get situated with all the changes. I ended up sleeping with a guy from highschool. I told my ex(daughters dad) he was hurt but still wanted to be with me- but after what I did I felt too awful. So I proceeded with the relationship with the new guy. Its been great we get along, but I have cheated on him with my ex now and I told him and hes taken me back. Well I just did it again and hes really really hurt but still in time wants to be with me. I love him, but my ex just makes me feel bad b/c of the family thing and wants to be a family and I came from a broken family my dad l;eft. So I become weak and things happen. I want the family thing I think with my new guy but i feel like i cant move on when my ex keeps nagging me and i tell him no but still persists and Im just so confused and I keep hurting people and myself. HELP
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female
reader, The Girl with the Diver's Hair  +, writes (22 February 2011):
You really need to stop cheating! Its not doing anyone any good. If you dont wanna cheat anymore tell your ex that and make sure he understands it and make sure it doesnt happen again because your boyfriend may not be so forgiving if he finds out again.
Good Luck. E x
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2011): You said two things that are crucially important.
"I came from a broken family my dad left"
When this happens, it creates a void and leaves children with screwed up perceptions about what men in relationships do.
"I become weak and things happen"
You aren't really weak, but you are "reacting normally" to internal impulses that have a lot to do with fear, insecurity, worry about abandonment, and self esteem issues.
Now, you actually realize what the root of the problem is but haven't been able to see it all clearly or deal with it fully.
You won't without professional help or a lot of self discovery work. You are reacting in a normal manner to the fallout from unfortunately common but still abnormal situations. Commonness does not make something "normal" or "good".
You need to do a lot of things, first you need to get out of these relationships, both of them, and put the work of self discovery first. You can't do this when you are trying to understand someone else, you need to understand yourself first. Then you will be able to have a good relationship with another person, be a better mother and partner, and be good to yourself.
What you are doing is repeating a cycle that started before you even grew up. Do you really want to stop it? If you do, it takes hard and painful work.
Books on broken families can help you understand more, books on Adult Children of Alcoholics can help as well (even if your parents or you are not alcoholics).
BTW, my wife is from a broken family - father married three times and mother married twice, as are ALL of my cousins, my parents were the only ones who stayed married and their marriage was nothing to be gloriously happy about and I even left home because I couldn't take it any more when I was 20, but we were protected from a lot of shit that went down elsewhere as we were growing up.
If I had to choose to do it over, I'd take my parents over all the rest, and I'd never wish their personal private Hells on anyone else. Yes, I'd still have gotten on a bus and left, but what I had to do was much less painful than all these folks that I knew went through.
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A
female
reader, sophisticated08 +, writes (22 February 2011):
 you just need to stop doing it.. learn how to control youself and the urges to have sex when your ex comes around.. or you could not put yourself in that vernable state... it sounds like your really not over or ex i understand that you have a child together and it may be hard.. put are a lot of people who have children who break up put can remain platonic friends .. no sex involved... so thats probably what your going to have to do... its really not fair for either one of those guys .... maybe you should talk to your ex and let him know that you want to be strictly friends and nothing else.. stop letting him tempt you ... it really isnt that hard to say know even if he is pressuring you still say no.... it seems that your ina happy relationship with the other guy so why do you need to keep running to ex....
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (22 February 2011):
 This won't have an easy solution, your ex will always have to be involved in your life as you had a child together, and your new man needs to realise this.
But you must stop cheating!! It's not fair on either bloke, you know you're hurting them both so why do it?????
You need to stop cheating on your man with your ex. You both need to learn to control yourselves or everyone will just end up bitter and resentful, and that won't bode well for your child now will it? Too many kids grow up these days without a strong family unit, and it really destructive!! Believe me, i've worked with children who have come from broken homes and who's parents hate each other. Don't become part of the statistics. Tell your ex that you are happy for him to be in your daughters life, but the cheating needs to stop, or you are going to lose your man.
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A
female
reader, Adorskable  +, writes (22 February 2011):
 You can't make up your mind on what you want so the best thing for you to do is to be single.I truly believe that if a person is really really inlove with thier partner, girlfriend/boyfriend, husband/wife the person will not cheat. I a person cheats is because something is missing in the relationship. You might not love either one but feel an emotional attatchemtn to them both. I suggest you play single for a while and see what it is that your heart wants. Its not nice to play with people's feeling and when you least expected it and you give your heart out, and just imagine that this person may creep around and break your heart by cheating, can you put yourself in their shoes for just a little bit. Give yourself time and think on what you and your heart want but don't play with people's emotions.
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A
male
reader, foolishsage +, writes (22 February 2011):
 Well, jtrou00 - the bright side is that you know that this all has to stop and that you understand that you are hurting other people and yourself. The question that you ask is "how do you stop?" The question that I must ask in return is, "Do you know what you really want?"IF you in fact do not want a relationship with your ex (daughter's dad), then you need to begin by limiting your interaction with him to being only to when he is bringing your daughter back to you or when you are bringing her to him for visitation times. You need to crystalize it in his mind that there is not a happy ending in it for him and if that means less contact/ speaking/ interaction with him, then that's got to be the case.I think that what's got you hung up here is a combination of guilt and a desire for what you believe to be the ideal, what would make you happy and if you feel that you deserve to be happy. I know that sounds twisted but give me a minute and I'll explain.Sometimes when people cheat on someone for any given reason, they feel quite guilty about it (logical) - and (particularly if they feel that the person that they cheated on is a good person) they feel like the next person deserves no better and they should have to suffer through being cheated on as well. The person who cheated also can feel like their relationships should all bear this risk because of the guilt that they feel. This is how the mind-set of some people actually can work. What starts off with a simple feeling of guilt can become a self destructive and damaging pattern based on self-punishment, diminished self esteem, placing a lower value on others because the original person that has been cheated on has somehow become a bit of a martyr. There's also the factor that if your dad left when you were young, you may have a stronger desire to try to keep that bond with your daughter's dad and don't want him to disappear. Honestly, it would be ideal if we were all in love with the other parent and that we could all work together well in that way. But the sad fact is that it's often not the case and when it's not, we have to realize it and while your ex is still the father and still deserves to be in your daughter's life (so long as he is a worthy father), he needs to be in your life only as much as he is a father to your daughter. If the two of you didn't really get on all that well and it wasn't much of a relationship, then that's not what you or your daughter need - as it would only be a highly dysfunctional family unit. I believe a period of daughter related contact only is in order for you and the ex - and if you still wish to remain friends with him of any sort, then I suggest that you only spend time together with your daughter and other people around as well - provide no chance for any type of romantic feelings.As for your current boyfriend - really, it's amazing that he hasn't left. Especially after that 2nd occurrence. I'm actually a bit worried for him that he didn't. Honestly, most self-respecting people would have left by the time they were cheated on a 2nd time. But that's a whole different issue. If you are happy with him, truly happy with him - and you respect him - then you need to communicate with him more about what's going on in your head and your heart BEFORE and not after. You need to stop yourself - and take a good hard look the next time you find that you are doing something that you don't feel right about. If it doesn't feel ok or if it is something that you think that you may be embarrassed to tell others about or that will hurt them - then right then - STOP. Then take a look at why you were tempted to do it and try to be honest with yourself about it. That may take some time, but at least put the effort forth to stop yourself as you know at the very least that it will have stopped you from hurting other people and from hurting yourself.I wish you the best with this - not an easy situation, but it is one that you have great influence on. That means you bear the burden of responsibility to change it, but that also means that you CAN change the situation and you CAN make it better.
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