A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I know this isn't about love or anything, but I'm just wondering if anyone feels the same as I do. I feel like sometimes I get so hurt and upset I just wanna tear myself open and rip all the anger out. I cry a lot and I don't even know why and I dream about the past. I self harmed a lot months ago and I was throwing up but now I've stopped, I met the most amazing guy ever and he helped me with it. I feel so guilty that I still sometimes want to do it but some things just go round and round my head like a couple months ago my dad and me fell out and I cry at night thinking of the past with him. I cry because I can't forgive him and I'm through with talking to him. He found out I self harmed and called me an attention seeker and that I'm crazy and need to be locked up and other things like him calling me a no self respecting slag. All these things go through my head every night. I'm not a bad person, it's just I can't help it. I don't wanna be like this any more. I'm a fake, I laugh and I smile and I hide behind it. I've tried counselling I've tried to think about happy times. I've tried everything and it doesn't work and I'm just wondering if anyone could give me some advice bar to talk to my dad, he's not approachable and he scares me a lot. I'm sorry if you think I'm an attention seeker and whatnot. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2008): self harming doesnt mean that ur a person or attention seeking. i self harmed for a few months, that was only a few months back but i was able to stop fairly quickly, my friend was going through the same problem at the same time and somehow we managed to both stop. if you can't talk to ur dad, how about writing him a letter, i know it can be hard to find the right words and describe how ur feeling, but u said u like writing so i'm sure u can find something to say.i cry a lot without really knowing why, and i still sit in my rooms sometimes close to cutting again but if there's one thing i've learned, for whatever reason i'm feeling down - whether i'm just having a bad day or someones done or said something to upset me, i know i'm stronger than to let my anger take control of me.u may wear a smile and hide behind it, that doesnt make u fake, i did the same, sometimes because i didnt want to upset people close to me, sometimes just because i dont want people to know how i really feel. hope this helps a little, and feel free to send me a message if u ever need someone to talk to.good luck xxx
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you sososo much
i've started getting fit to let the anger go lately and it seems to be working it's just getting upset but i hope my confidence will be found. i love to write and i channel most of my feelings into that half the time. i thought i'd always feel this low but maybe i'm just really sensitive and that shouldn't be looked on as a bad thing.
thankyou so much for helping.
xxxxxxxx
you remind me that things will get better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2008): Hi
THINGS WILL GET BETTER! phoenix
Years ago i self harmed quite a few times, similar reasons...i felt bad..low..every one said i was a bad en! the ones that said it were the closest to me. I used to feel so hurt and frustrated and angry because of all the hurt in my past and present mainly from family. Then i even got boyfriends doing the same until my self esteem eroded too and i became weak and down trodden...because i thought there must be something wrong with me so i stopped expressing my feelings.
Attention seeker i was called and crazy...but they could not understand my frustration.
FIFTEEN YEARS ON...I FEEL GREAT...shall i tell you what i learnt? That i was not a bad person i was actually the most sensitive caring individual in the family
and OTHERS put their NEGATIVE THOUGHTS ON TO ME..THEIR anger, THEIR denials, THEIR unforgiving hearts, THEIR past hurts and regrets, THEIR guilt, their BLAME. NOT ON PURPOSE it is often referred to as transference. I learnt that i could NEVER CHANGE OTHER PEOPLE, I COULD NOT REASON and put my side across, so i carried a lot of negativity and had to decide to let it go. This i did first by understanding ALL OF US HUMANS HAVE VUNERABILITIES and we have to release by forgiving the past, then we have to remember UNDERNEATH their is real love just clouded. I also recognise i too am vulnerable and make and made some silly mistakes in my youth....but not too warrant me BAD.
Please do not self harm if you can stop it now...before it gets hold of you....TAKE YOUR ANGER AND FRUSTRATION into a painting or a dance class something creative to channel this energy and release it. I wear SCARS and i look at them NOW with a thought of if only i understood then what i understand NOW i would never have to hide my arm. On a positive note they remind me to reach out to others who hurt and tell them YOU CAN CHANGE HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF...and this must come from you LOVE everything about you and if you have to stay away from certain people then DO just until you get strong again. RISE LIKE THE PHEONIX!!! AND GET CREATIVE...BEST EXPRESSION OF EMOTIONS.
WE DONT NEED SCARS INSIDE AND OUT.
I WISH YOU TRUE HAPPINESS AND PEACE ON YOUR LIFES JOURNEY NEVER EVER GIVE UP AND LOOSE HEART AND THE WORLD WILL NOT LOOK SO DARK. YOUR NOT CRAZY AND SELF HARM IS VERY COMMON IT JUST MEANS YOUR NOT COPING WELL AT THIS MOMENT IN YOUR LIFE, BUT THINGS WILL GET BETTER.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni don't live with my dad. i live with my mum and i'm still with my amazing boyfriend but i feel selfish when i talk about it because he feels that he's not doing anything right. the councilling woman wasn't very helpful and kept looking at her watch and asked silly questions she told me i had depression and had anger issues though.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2008): You don't say whether you are old enough to leave home, or whether you live with your father, but it may help you to move out. Is your mother alive, and if so, can she help? Or friends or other relatives?Counselling doesn't change things overnight, it takes time. Perhaps you could give it another go, with a different counsellor. You can ask your doctor to refer you.It's hard to tell from your message whether you are still with the guy, but if so maybe he can help you some more.I think there are self-help groups for people who self-harm. This would mean meeting others in the same situation. Again, I think your doctor could help you with this.Don't give up, it is possible to heal from this.
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