A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I have recently moved in with my boyfriend, I am trying to figure out a pattern about rights and obligations in relationships, for example,if I cook who does the dishes -me or him, if I do the dishes who will wipe them - basically, our roles in the household. Neither of us is in possession of any property, he rents the flat, with the contract under his name. He would like me to pay some rent, and not 50/50, but he expects me to pay just 20 per cent (this would be comparibale to the rent I was paying before moving with him). I don't mind, but should it all be made as a contract? Firstly, the landlord introducing me in the lease contract, and then us agreeing (on paper) between each other who pays what. I am not asking for a detailed legal advise, as I belive this is not a right place to, but maybe you could give me some idea how these things are settled based on your experience. Otherwise I will be paying the rent, but won't have any tennacy rights. Who knows how things are going to work out, I want to be sure if I need to move out I will have a right to take my time, rather than being shown to the door. Thanks everyone!
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female
reader, Staceily  +, writes (19 December 2012):
 The way it worked for me was for me to pay for all groceries and household items, my (now) husband (then boyfriend) paid the mortgage because I was moving into his house. I didn't make even half as much money as he did so that made sense for us. For most couples the rent or amount you pay is a fair amount to what you make. If you boyfriend makes twice as much for example then he would pay the bigger chunk, it's just more fair that way. If you feel more comfortable writing up a contract for who pays what you can do so. I didn't and didn't find it necessary.
As for household duties I think that comes naturally to you when in the relationship. My husband and I never assigned duties. I always cook because he doesn't care to cook and isn't great at it, but he always helps me with cutting up chicken or measuring out ingredients, things like that. I always wash the dishes and put dishes away but he always does all yard work because I hate it. I wash the clothes because I prefer how I wash them and he helps me put them away. It was nothing that was discussed really, just natural roles we fell into. If you ever find you are doing more than you feel you should be then speak with your boyfriend and ask for help or let him know what you like him to do. Unless he is lazy or selfish it won't be an issue.
As for being afraid of being kicked out, I think as long as you are able to establish residency- proof you have been paying to live there, driver's license proving this to be your current address, etc. then you can't be immediately kicked out. I am not positive of this of course, it is going to vary based on state and country. You will need to look up your own rights in this situation because you don't want to be homeless if he decides he doesn't want the relationship anymore.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 December 2012):
 I'm not going to address the legalities of living in a rental place without your name on the lease but here that's usually illegal. Discuss with your boyfriend if it's even feasible to have your name added to the lease. What you pay would be between the two of you.
I can tell you that I legally on paper own the house we live in. My now husband moved in with me a year ago. To add his name to the deed would cost us thousands of dollars so we have not done it. I hate that his name is not on what we consider OUR house, but because we are married, he's protected if something should happen to me and he would "inherit" what we consider OUR house.
IF you are not on the lease and something happens to your boyfriend would you be homeless? Check into that.
I will speak to the running of the household:
we have house rules. They are an evolving list of rules that we make as things come up.
Whoever cooks does not clean up. Since I cook he clears the table and loads the dishwasher.
I wash the laundry, he folds and puts away
He takes the trash out and puts it out for the pickup once a week. He takes care of the lawn and outdoors. I take care of the inside of our home.
he writes the budget (with input from me). I pay the bills.
Before we got a maid, I did the bulk of the cleaning for various reasons.... but if I asked he would help.
Find the things you like to do and take them on
find the things he likes and let him do them.
things you both hate, split them up.
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A
male
reader, fzald +, writes (19 December 2012):
Your flag indicates you're not from the US so I'm not sure how tenancy laws work in your country, so I can only give some basic advice.In the US, it's always advisable, often required, that if a tenant is going to have someone move in, the landlord must be made aware of it at the least, and often a new lease needs to be signed naming the new roommate/tenant. This ensures that you have all the rights of a tenant, and the landlord maintains all their rights as well.Around here, the amount of rent paid by each tenant isn't usually the issue. One tenant could live for free if the other tenant(s) are OK with it. The only thing the landlord cares about in the end is that the rent is paid and that the apartment is kept in good condition and the rules are followed. I can't speak for everywhere, some places may have rules on who must pay what, but I'd imagine it's probably not an issue.Be aware that once you are both on the same lease you are both equally responsible regardless of how much rent you're paying. If your boyfriend suddenly decides he's not paying the rent, and even if you've paid your share, the landlord can legally go after BOTH of you for the money. As for other things like household duties, that's completely between you and your boyfriend. If you two decide to write things down, it might help you keep your responsibilities in order, but it won't impact the leasing situation. One of the best things about a good relationship is the ability to work together, compromise and equally share in responsibilities. For some, writing it down helps a lot to get to this point.Best of luck!
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