A
male
age
30-35,
*sttimer
writes:First, just a short question, should I feel sorry for flirting with her a little bit before I knew she's already seeing someone? She was really nice about everything towards me.Anyway, I asked this girl I like for her number, but she said that she has a boyfriend. I will move on from this attraction because I totally understand and respect that she's already taken. I have always wanted to get to know her but never got the chance. Just had some small talks with her.I still have hopes that maybe in the future we will meet again and maybe she'll give me a chance or that I'm a better guy than who she has now, but I can't dwell on this.I'm just thinking now, should I still get to know or befriend her? Or would it be better if I just completely stop from here on and let nature do its thing if we should meet or not. What would be better?I just feel really upset. These experiences were all my first time.Thanks
View related questions:
flirt, has a boyfriend, move on, she has a boyfriend Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2012): 1sttimer the choice is yours. What I find hypocritical is guys who go around sleeping with all kinds of women for fun & then expect other men to 'respect their boundaries' once they find themselves a sweet innocent woman. If you're in it for the long hall, then you have honorable intentions. Honorable intentions are worthy of persuit. If you know that she'll be giving more to the guy & getting less from him in return in their relationship & you are willing to give her even more, then let no imaginary boundary stop you. Even if it means getting a broken face or a broken rib. When that happens you know it is an act of a desperate man who has absolutely nothing worth to offer a decent woman like her. No matter what women may say concerning this issue, all women want marriage when they enter an exclusive relationship. A woman wants a man who will want her permanently. It's the man who f**k's it up by not making it clear to her in the start of the relationship. And she is too scared to suggest marriage because she fears would end the relationship by scaring the guy away. It ends up becoming a guessing game until the woman always ends up giving the guy the ultimatum. Being a man is about taking possession(that's why women say they are taken). If you don't have the strenght & heart to want to possess your girlfriend in marriage, then you're not a man. You're a p***y. In the end 1stimmer it's up to you. Promicuos men treat women like garbage & will expect nice guys like you to clean up after them by loving & marrying women they've 'spoilt'. Don't give them any chances. Women are no more wiser. They know that truly honorable men are in short supply. Thus, you can't blame them for ending up with losers like most of them do now. Respect begets respect. Men with promiscuos histories, shouldn't expect other men to respect the boundaries they place around women they truly desire. And if they chose to be violent about it, then it just show how desperate you are.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 December 2012):
 OP you are 100% correct If you go after a woman who is in a committed relationship and "convince her" to leave her current partner for you, you will never know if she would do the same thing to you.
Boyfriend, fiance, husband... it does not matter... respecting boundaries is critical.
To the anonymous male poster who assumes that at 18-21 a man wants a wife is a bit presumptuous. However it's much less offensive and presumptuous than assuming that the only thing women want is a husband.
Why in the world would you make the assumption that a woman prefers a husband over a boyfriend? Because you think so? Not likely in this day and age it's not the 1950s.
Women do not go to college to get their MRS any more. And we do have our own minds. We are not property to be "stolen"
OP, I wish you the best of luck I think you are wise and have a good head on your shoulders and know that "stealing" a person from another person is no way to start a relationship and it says some things about the person you are interested in.
Should her relationship run it's natural course and she becomes available then trying your best is fine...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2012): Male anon sounds like a throw back to the 1950's or something, he has a weird attitude towards women if you ask me.
"If she leaves her man now for me, chances are that she'll do the same thing to me. What do you think of this male anon?"
Yeah OP, she will do that to you and no, this "if I'm good enough" shit doesn't wash. Do you want a woman who can tell guys she has a boyfriend and isn't interested when approached or do you want one who can so easily entertain the idea of moving on with the next guy who gives her attention that "seems better"?
Women with boyfriends aren't "up for grabs" they're spoken for, would you like the idea of someone thinking your girlfriend was up for grabs because you're not married to her? I wouldn't and the last guy who put that kind of effort into getting her had a nice little trip to the hospital for his troubles. I told him piss off and he must have thought beating me up would impress my girlfriend or something because he went for me, well broken nose, fingers and missing teeth, and I guess he got the message.
You see OP, guys like male anon who have no respect for the boundaries of relationships or women don't have good things happen to them. This isn't the 1950's and you don't live in Africa, we don't take women as our wives or "satisfy her maternal instinct" we have equal partnerships with women based on trust, respect and compatibility.
I've come across more than one guy like male anon in my life who thought I couldn't possibly deserve my girlfriend and they were somehow better for her and "just had to have her" like some kind of object. Well years of martial arts, MMA, Thai boxing and a fighters upbringing from a rough part of town in the toughest city in my country taught me how to handle guys who wouldn't listen to reason it doesn't end well for them.
My point is not only will you end up with a woman so weak-willed that you can't trust her but her boyfriend may be a guy like me or is often the case a lot worse.
OP there are plenty of single women around only waiting for the chance to show a guy how lovely, loving and great a girlfriend they can be. There is never a good reason to cross any moral boundaries. This woman sounds like she has good morals and isn't interested, there's no reason to ever befriend a woman you fancy anyway, you should always date women you like, you're only going to tease yourself by befriending a woman you can't have.
Move on and hope your girlfriend is the same as this one and handles interest from other guys so well.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2012): Person 12345, prefering a boyfriend to a husband is 'not thinking'. As a woman, you can't deny that. That is the point I'm trying to make to 1sttimer. If he wants her as a wife(which I assume is what he wants for her) then he shouldn't accept defeat. Being a boyfriend doesn't give you any right to claim exclusivity to your girlfriend if another man wants to actually marry her.
...............................
A
male
reader, 1sttimer +, writes (15 December 2012):
1sttimer is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIf she leaves her man now for me, chances are that she'll do the same thing to me. What do you think of this male anon?
Maybe if I was that good enough for her then maybe she'll really stick with me. But I would not like that to happen to me so that is why I respect the line. This is just for example.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (14 December 2012):
 Male anon, we are not property, we think for ourselves and decide who we are with.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2012): Well that was a waste. If you want to respect make believe, imaginary boundaries that his boyfriend (more like pretend husband) who has placed around her, that's up to you. You had your chance to take her from him and you blew it. Stop with the wishful thinking about the future. The point is so long as he has not taken her hand, he has no legitimate claim to her as his woman. We can argue till judgement day but that's the fact my man. If you were not looking for a wife, then I see no point why you should post this question in the first place. If you 'really like her' like what you claim, then be a man. Prove to her you are a better deal. Life as a man was not suppose be easy. We will always strive for the things we desire most. That includes the love of a woman. If she's worth it , then I see no reason why you shouldn't fight to have her. Otherwise retreat to the fall back guy position.
...............................
A
male
reader, 1sttimer +, writes (13 December 2012):
1sttimer is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys
I've decided that I'll stay away from her for now since I just popped the question. I was being friendly at first but at last the truth was told. I just wish I had not done it that way, that I feel like i overwhelmed her with my attraction. Anyway, I wanna show her some gratitude for being nice to me, and i hope that's just okay.
But maybe in the future, a simple what's up and how's life should be good. I totally respect the boundaries and I know that if I try to win her now, she'll most likely dump me for another guy if we get together, so i totally respect the situation. I wouldn't want that to happen to myself if I was the guy she is dating.
This should be the last of this but what do you guys think?
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 December 2012):
You have no need to feel bad for flirting with her. I’m very happily married and I’m a huge flirt… does not mean I’m cheating on my husband or even considering leaving him. I just like to flirt.
We’re taken not dead.
You asked for her number and she said “sorry I’m taken” GOOD for her!
I would NOT attempt to befriend her. It’s setting you up for friends always. BUT what I would do is say… “Look I really like you and would love to get to know you better should the situation ever arise that you are free let me know” I mean he’s a boyfriend and you’re young so it’s probably they will break up in a bit… Now if the woman was engaged or married, then my advice would be to walk away as there is no knowing if you will ever get a chance as she may always be married to this man. (most folks assume that a marriage is forever)
Don’t be upset. It sounds like you had no clue… and if she said she has a boyfriend and she doesn’t, well then that means she’s not interested and she let you down gently. She sounds like a class act, it sounds like you have good taste in women.
As for the male anonymous poster who said women with boyfriends are UP FOR GRABS. I could not disagree more. He makes her sound like a sport. The truth is if you could steal her away from her partner, what's to prevent someone from stealing her away from you. Then she would not be the right kind of woman anyway.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2012): 'How would you feel if your GF is being persued by other guys?'. A very valid point from 'Honeypie'. Only valid if your GF is your fiance. Guys who keep dilly dallying around as a boyfriend are not offering anything real to women in the relationship & also they are doing a great injustice to a woman's maternal instincts which needs to be fulfilled properly in wedlock. If you know that he has no intention of possessing her in marriage, he shouldn't be given a free ride. If you know that you can be & want to be more than a boyfriend to her, then by all means go and get her. If she can recognize that in you, she's the luckiest woman on earth. If she doesnt, well that's her loss. Let her waste away as his girlfriend.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 December 2012):
 I agree with person12345 - she is off limits. If you start to try and make friend but honestly have an ulterior motive, that makes you shady and you might actually end up being friend-zoned if her relationship doesn't pan out.
How would you feel if YOUR GF was being pursued by other guys? No so good right? Have a little respect for her and her BF - she is not a "thing" to try and "get" - she is a person.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2012): If she's married (DEFINITELY OFF LIMITS). If she's single (UP FOR GRABS). If she has a boyfriend (UP FOR GRABS BUT REQUIRE A LITTLE EFFORT ON YOUR PART). A woman knows she can't be a girlfriend forever. If you can provide for all her needs, make her feel secure as a woman in all aspects, be willing & able to have children with her & give her a clear vision of your future together, she will drop a boyfriend anyday for you. THAT'S A FACT. Why? Because you are husband material, & the truth is women value husbands more than boyfriends. So if you know you are ready to be a husband & feel that she's the one then GO GET HER! Don't worry about her boyfriend. He can't take you to court for stealing his girlfriend. Otherwise, you might want to start working on being a man first.
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (13 December 2012):
No don't try to get to know her better. Either she's taken (off limits) or she's rejected you (off limits), but either way, she is off limits and you need to stop pursuing her. Getting rejected sucks, but you just have to dust yourself off and move on. Continuing to pursue her will only make you feel worse and make her feel like you don't respect boundaries.
...............................
|
