A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 18 and last weekend my boyfriend of 3 years asked me to marry him. At the time it seemed perfect - the way he asked, the place, everything he said, but now I had time to think about it and I am not sure I really want to be married so young. I am leaving for uni soon and he will still be here. He has cheated on me 3 times but I took him back each time because he can talk anyone into anything. I just dont know what i should do, should i marry him, i truly love him, and would love to spend the rest of my life with him, but he has hurt me and im still only 18. Do you think that i should talk it out with him or let time take it's route and see what the future holds. He's 21, and we've said we wont marry till next year at the earliest.
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male
reader, Mr Raindog  +, writes (15 August 2007):
 Anytime I find myself hesitating about a big decision that should seem like it should have an obvious answer, there's almost always a good reason for it. If you think you should marry him, why post a question about it here? He's cheated on you three times but from your description he's talked you back into it each time.
Where I come from, we call that manipulation.
Manipulative people will bend words and alter scenarios around until they trap you into agreeing with them. Let me pose to you this question; if he has cheated on you thrice times now, what have you done to enforce the fact that his behavior is unacceptable? The way I look at it (and granted, I'm working only with the information you've provided in your post), you've only enforced the notion that you'll take him back and forgive his transgressions each time you find him in the arms/bed of another woman.
Where I come from, we call you a doormat.
I don't mean to be rude, but I hope the point is driven home. I would advise you to give this more time and thankfully, you have plenty of it. Jumping into hasty marriages and engagements in my experience are due either A: unplanned pregnancies, B: the guy/girl wanting to tie up their mate while they continue to play of the side or C: both. It's not always true, of course, but be careful nonetheless.
Besides, are you going to be able to keep an eye on him while you're at uni? Do you want a guy that you need to keep an eye on? Good luck to you no matter what your choice.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2007): The fact that you are even questioning it tells you everything you need to know. Don't do it.
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A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous +, writes (14 August 2007):
Don't do it, at least not now. Why would he propose now? To try keeping you close in case you grow distant in college?He cheated on you three times, and those are only the ones you know about. And when was the last time? Who knows what he'll do when you're gone. Step back and wait and don't get married until you're at least done with school. And what will he do all this time?
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (14 August 2007):
 Hi,
Uni is a great time to expand your horizons. If you have these kind of doubts BEFORE you marry him, you should put a bit of distance between you and see if the relationship survives. I have a strong feeling that it won't stand the test of time. I have the sneaking suspicion that he has asked you to marry him because he wants to control you (and your fidelity) while you are away, which is a little bit unfair considering the number of the times that he has cheated on you. You owe it to yourself to find out what you want to do with your life. You have already said that you don't wish to get married at this young age - so why would you consider doing it against your own better judgement? Just because he asked? You have also stated that he can talk you into anything. If you already know this, why would you allow him to manipulate you again? Don't you think you need to go away and develop a stronger sense of what it is you do want for yourself, instead of allowing someone who disrespects you and has cheated on you dictate how you will spend the rest of your life. I think he is acting like you are a possession of his and he wants a ring on your finger to prove it. He hurt you before, repeatedly, and that won't disappear just because you get married. I think that his reason for asking for your hand in marriage (that you are leaving) is pointing to the fact that this relationship is all about his selfish feelings and seems to have nothing to do with your feelings or wishes. I'm sorry, but I don't think that he is worth your time or affections. You say you love him, but without trust and mutual respect, love doesn't stand a chance and you will be hurt again. If you were my own daughter, I would tell you to dump him before he ruins your University experience for you. You said it best yourself - "I'm only Eighteen"! If you really believed that it was meant to be, in your heart-of-hearts, would you really need our advice? I don't often make such harsh snap judgements and I could well be proved wrong, but I really think you should consider that I made this judgement based on what you yourself have written about him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2007): do not marry him, he hurted you in the past, and you probably will be hurt again! i mean you will be going to a university and he will be staying where he already is. therefore, you are sort of leaving him for awhile. think about this please and think about your actions and future. like i said leaving him is the best thing to do, there are many guys out there, and the right one will be waiting for you, he might be even better!! so take a chance! your boyfriend is not the only guy in the world, there are many!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2007): No you should definitely not marry him, not with this kind of doubt, not to mention the "small" matter of him cheating on you three times, and you allowed yourself to be talked into taking him back.
You are going to university. It will be a whole new world, meeting new people, your studies, and some social life. Go ahead and focus on your years there. However, I wouldn't agree to an engagement at this time.
It sounds as if you'd have a very troubled time of it if you decided to marry him, considering what you have told us of the relationship. Besides you are only 18. You have your whole life ahead of you - with him or without him.
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A
female
reader, flower girl +, writes (14 August 2007):
 I would say if you have to ask for opinions on this babe then you should definately not do it, i know when my husband proposed to me i did not have to think twice about it at any time.
I think with the fact that he has cheated on you so many times and you are going away to uni, you would be better to wait as this will be a real test for your relationship doing long distance.
There is no harm if you want to be engaged and not make any definate plans for when you are going to get married, and like you said just see how things go.
Take care.xx.
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