A
female
age
51-59,
*nnie77
writes:I’ve been dating the same man now for over a year. We are both over 40, have our own homes and even though work is really tough right now we both have had successful careers and will again. We spend most of our free time with each other and have a great time together. Problem 1: I want desperately to be in a committed relationship and maybe a family however, he has never spoken of wanting to have a lifetime commitment or even a committed relationship with me even though I have brought up the subject in the past. He says that he doesn’t want to date anyone else but I still can’t help but think I am just someone to spend the time with until he finds someone else or gets back on his feet economically. In past relationships being committed and thinking of a future together have be brought up by my boyfriends in the first 3-months.Problem 2: Going out to an occasional dinner at a nice restaurant and getting nice presents on birthdays and Christmas is what makes me feel special and cherished in a relationship however, the best I ever get is Chipotle for our date dinners and gifts on the line of blankets and cheap trinkets which make me incredibly sad and left feeling that he doesn’t think I’m worth more than “cheap”. I’m not looking for someone to ‘pay the bills’ since I can easily provide for myself and don’t expect anything out of his budget. I live pretty frugal and feel that special occasions is a way to reconcile with friends and loved ones. He sometimes makes this sound when he pays for something which makes me feel very guilty for accepting that $3 beer or $5 burrito, etc. I’m tired of ordering water and off the dollar menu out of guilt. ps: I don’t want to sell him short, we do have our occasional date night and usually dinner is at his house about once a week (I usually cook all stay-at-home weekend meals at my house).Additionally, I’m selling my home and looking for a new place to live but he has never offered his home to me short term or otherwise, even after my ex-boyfriend invited me to stay with him as a roommate and another out-of-state friend offered me a place to stay. I just don’t know what to do with this relationship. I care deeply about him and can’t imagine not having him in my life. I just don’t know if I want to invest possibly years of my life (remember, I’m over 40), give more of my heart just to get it broken. Should I just give up and move on.
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female
reader, Bella555 +, writes (30 November 2010):
It's terrible to think someone is using you as a placeholder, hoping to change their situation at any time to your detriment. I understand your frustration, and it seems you are hesitating in confronting him about your dissatisfaction as you fear he may walk if you do. It's sad that he participates so grudgingly in your relationship in many ways, and you shouldn't be suffering through something you may not be able to fix. However, I say give communication a shot first--tell him what's important to you, the direction in which you see your life headed, and the consideration you prefer in a relationship. These are reasonable parameters, and if they are enough to scare him away, you'll have your answer, though it's not the one you want.
Relationships take work, and many are suitable for repair, but you sound very unhappy, regardless of your feelings for this guy. Honestly, he doesn't sound willing to truly share his life with you, and it's too bad, since you come across like a lovely person who deserves so much more than he gives you.
Best of luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2010): He is emotionally stunted. You are both at different places in your life. Move on, be happy, meet other people. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (30 November 2010):
 I think you should talk to him and tell him what you have stated here. Maybe he just doesn't realize how much you want a committed relationship and possibly more. However, if you have done this already, it may be time to walk away. If you and your partner do not share these wants in life, it will always be as it is now. Don't sell yourself short, you still have time to find someone to be with. Even in your 40's you can find love. I don't know from personal experience, but from a friend's experience. Good luck.
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