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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Is my tactics going to work? I want to stop doing the chores and paying the bills, cooking, feeding the cat, cleaning his litter… because I’m the only one doing that.My husband is lazy and he doesn’t even see it because he’s ADHD and does ONLY what he wants to do when he’s not at work. He’s looking to get physically exhausted. That’s why he thinks that him being on the move all the time is the same as sharing responsibilities and chores. E.g. he has just got home after he went to the pool (he swims almost 3 miles 4 times a week). He is tired. Took off his clothes (left his shirt on the floor and his bag and shoes next to the couch in our living-room), put on his sweatpants and took his Ipad. The little conversation we had was ABOUT HIM, so I cut it short. He never asks how my day was… he hasn’t got a clue if I’m ok or not… He is now waiting for me to call him for dinner. AIN’T GOING TO HAPPEN. Yes. I did cook it. I cook all of our meals (prepare his breakfast and on most days even the lunch he takes to work). But I do it because if I don’t he’ll just open a can of sardines and I’ll have nothing to eat.I somehow got to be the grown up… I’m not saying it’s his fault, but he sure is profiting from my “responsible-for-everything syndrome” I learned when I was a kid, first watching and later on participating in caring for my sick granny, then caring for my over-worked mother (I remember cleaning and cooking for her when I was 12!).I don’t know why I decided to stop playing this role NOW. I’m over the hill so to speak. At 42 I lost any hope of having kids. Having to care for my husband and his anxieties (his ADHD is accompanied by social anxiety and bouts of depression) has drained me of all the energy I had. I’ve always had a job, but not a career. My professional choices were always influenced by his needs. I could never accept a job that would be too demanding because I had to have normal working hours, since I was the only one taking care of our home. When I got back from my mother’s funeral (which was in another country), he couldn’t bother to do something nice, like make a salad for dinner… I opened the door of our home to find him in the dark watching a move on a laptop. He actually waited for me to get out of my funeral dress and cook something. I wish I knew why now, because I think it would help me stick to my decision. I just know that I’m empty. A month ago, I learned that my whole division is about to close down and that I will be among 47 people who will lose their jobs by the end of February. My friends keep telling me that it is a good thing, since it was a dead-end job, badly paid. They say it’s high time I realized what it is I want to do and do it… but I never learned to put myself first. I have no idea what I want to do. I always keep thinking about what it is I HAVE TO DO…Will it work?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2020): He is who he is and you took him on and married him.Personally I think you've done extremely well to keep his depression at bay and the swimming probably helps with this.But you need a little break.It's not fair to stop cleaning the cat litter unless you are able to let the cat go outside to do his business as the poor car can't clean the litter itself.I think you are facing depression!Maybe it's on account of your bereavement.As for your bloke just going back into basic survival mode..well, it happens.You switch the lights on, you cook the food and his life blossoms.But knowing your job is about to be laid off must be very worrying.You say you gave up everything you could have had, in order to help others and this happens in life.The only thing I would like you to know is that the grass is not always greener on the other side.Your future is influenced by where you can go from the starting point you're at.So if you don't own your own home and you don't or can't pay your rent you get evicted and from there you could go into a hostel and in worse case scenario end up sleeping rough on the streets.At 40+.So clearly that is not an option.You need money for rent so you need a job.Any job.If you are too overwhelmed with depression you must seek help from your doctor to get anti depressants.Or ask if you can spend some months in an institution where you will feel looked after.A lot of the stuff you do now is stuff you have to do anyway.If your partner weren't there his joggers wouldn't lay on the floor, but the cat litter still wouldn't be changed and food would still need to be prepared.And quite honestly it is extremely rare for a guy to thoughtfully prepare a nice salad while you're out.Can you get him to order you take away once a week (his treat).Can you go swimming with him as it would refresh you.Can you tell him that he has certain jobs to do.Like empty the litter and empty the bins and gather his laundry together and go shopping with you and pay at the checkout because your account is empty.Your friends may be idealising your prospects but most people don't fall into high powered jobs.They work their butts off in training or other preparatory stuff.Is any one of your friends ready to help you out financially?These are important things to know as talk is cheap.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (4 January 2020):
 NOT feeding the cat or cleaning up after the CAT is ridiculous. It's not the cat's fault that your BF is a lazy asshat, the cat CAN'T fend for itself nor should it have a FILTHY litter box. That's disgusting! don't take it out on the cat, OK? And don't stop paying the IMPORTANT bills, that is just plain silly. If your name is on those bills you NEED to pay them. You can't do a 180 and ACT like your husband, and be irresponsible. THAT isn't going to do ANYONE any good.
But pet and bills aside..
Yes, STOP cleaning AFTER him, he drops his clothes on the floor PRETEND you don't see it. When he runs out of clean clothes suggest he do his laundry, DO NOT do it for him.
Make dinner for one. IF he is HOME all day, NOT working he should be doing the lion's share of the chores. It's that simple. If he was a woman that is what is expected and what makes sense. Pick up after yourself. Don't turn into a slob to "teach him".
IF he isn't contributing ANYTHING to the marriage, you might want to consider that you don't HAVE a functioning marriage and that WITH HIM, you never will. He is NOT going to change. His life revolves around what HE wants to do. While exercise is great for someone with mental health issues, HE can still pick up a vacuum, pick up his dirty clothes, start a load of laundry and clean things. I mean it's NOT that hard.
As for your career choices, Well NOT you are at a cross roads where you might HAVE to choose. So chose something that you can see yourself doing long term. Look into seeing what classes you might need to better prepare you for this career change and then GO FOR IT. I agree with your friends that it IS high time you consider what YOU want to do.
Some people are like you, eternal caretakers. Because they are caring responsible people. Nothing wrong in that. But totally disregarding yourself and YOUR needs and wants will at some point come knock on your door or leave YOU feel sad, unfulfilled, etc.
So there are two things YOU need to consider. 1, do you want to stay married to this man?
If you do, stop doing everything for him. LET him know that you have stopped and that HE needs to pull his weight around the home. You can suggest you two make a chore list, so you BOTH can get some of the chores you don't "hate" doing. If he doesn't WANT to do chores, another option is him getting a job and contributing financially. BUT you might also have to consider that he will NOT change. He has put himself in the "child" role for so long it's habit. First his parents/mom/dad took care of him then YOU did. Just like you have been in the caretaker role for most of your life. And you know how hard you are finding trying to change that. So it will be hard for him too. If he makes an effort, maybe you two can make things work, if not... well then there is the choice to no longer BE married.
2. Career. I think you DO have some inkling of what you would like to do. You have the NATURAL ability of care taking so there are MANY choices for jobs where that skill set is vital, like nursing, day care, working with teaching adults or things like that. OR you can consider the skills you have NOW (from your current job) and look into where you can TAKE those.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2020): Sounds like you know your 2020, is headed into some changes...
Sometimes, when I need advice I act like my 19 year old is asking me what my advice would be.... That way I can see clearly.
Listen, you deserve to be happy, feel loved, feel equal in a relationship.
What is going to get you too that?
Your position, life - we only have one opportunity. Go out and chase your dreams, if you have forgotten them, make new ones.
I was just telling an exchange student, I wish someone would have told me how you have to fight for happiness. Instead of nothing.
Move forward, forgive and work on you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2020): I think you should just leave. But aside from that, if you want to stop doing the chores, stop doing them. EXCEPT for feeding the cat and changing the litter. It's not the poor cat's fault your husband is a layabout.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2020): Two suggestions:Your husband sounds like he may also have autism/ is on the autism spectrum - people with ADHD don’t always have autism too but they can be linked. For your own sanity, I suggest get him a professional screening. Just so you know what you are dealing with.Also I suggest read a book called “Think forward to thrive” it’s available on Amazon for little cost. It can help you to identify and set goals for yourself and I’ve found it invaluable.Long story short, your post could have been written by me except I also had a child from a first marriage to look after. You’re not alone. You don’t know how to create new patterns for yourself and need help to get out of caring mode or at least receive a fair exchange for your carer’s duties.Family can be the very ones to exploit our good nature as children - same thing happened to me and I don’t speak to them anymore.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (4 January 2020):
 Seek legal advice and then get out of the relationship. He is not going to change, you already know that.
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