A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi there, ok so about a month ago I had a relationship breakup. I am fine with it because the guy was treating me like crap. Well there was a guy (I'll call him J) that him and I were both friends with throughout the time we were together. My ex and this guy didn't always get along tho. Last week I was talking to J online like normal and out of the blue he asks me out! J is a really nice guy and so I said yes.We planned to go out that weekend with a couple of his friends. About 4 hours before he messages me and says that he has a family thing to go for a dinner and that they will be getting back late. He was very apologetic and was afraid that I was mad at him. I said no it's fine we will just rebook. So we decided 3 days later we would go out, but he did warn me he was on overtime at work so there was the chance he would be working that night. That night came and again like 4 hours before he messaged me that he was stuck at work, and when he was done he had to go help his dad cuz his truck broke down etc.I was starting to get suspicious but I was trying to give him benefit of the doubt. I sent him a message afterwards asking if he wanted to pick out a good day for him that we could go out. That was 4 days ago.I have not heard from him since. He's been online so I know he saw the message. When I went online today his status changed to "away" suddenly. I had left him alone for 3 days and decided I would say "Hi", and never got a reply.What gives? I'd been friends with this guy for 2 years, HE was the one that suggested we go out...and now he is blowing me off? I could see it if I was the one that suggested it, but it was HIS idea!Basically I want to know if anyone thinks it may just be coincidence and he's just really busy, or am I wasting my time? I find it strange that 2 times in a row he cancels, and now he has vanished. I even asked him after the 2nd cancellation if he had changed his mind and just didnt want to go out...and he said no. Like if he changed his mind whatever, but man up and tell me, don't leave me hanging! What do you guys think I should do about this situation? I was really excited about this...and now I'm just let down even more by men...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2009): Why don't you ring him and ask what gives?We all have really busy times. These always come at the most inopportune times for romance. (Once I had to postpone a date five times because work turned insane when SARS cases started arriving.)Many people use repeated cancellations as a way of saying "I'm not interested". Miss Manners even recommends this approach.So give him a ring and ask which it is.
A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (29 November 2009):
 I agree with 'auntieEm'...drop him like hot coals. Firstly when men are really interested in you then they knock the door down to let you know. I couldn't get rid of my husband when we started dating! Secondly, you need to learn a life lesson through what has happened here. You are chasing him for a date and you shouldn't be. I appreciate he has been evasive/ inconsistent but you shouldn't have to work hard for his attention - if you are, the relationship is doomed before it even starts. I would also say that if you keep dangling yourself in front of him (or other people) then you risk being abused. You would accept a date with him now even after he has behaved badly (and cowardly). You have a history of being 'let down' by men...but that history states a clear fact - you are allowing yourself to be 'let down' by putting yourself in situations where bad people can treat you badly. Respect from others starts with respect for yourself. Being single is much better than being in a relationship with the wrong person. You need to look after yourself and develop the self confidence not to tolerate rubbish behaviour off other people. You will always come up against people who don't do the decent thing...it is part of life unfortunately. You have to learn to discriminate between decent people and non-decent people early on in your selection of potential mates/ lovers. If you don't then you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of heart-ache.
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A
male
reader, grandmasterfunk  +, writes (29 November 2009):
he's really not that interested. sorry for putting it like that. Its probable though that he is or was interested but after he has thought about all the possible outcomes it could have scared him a little i suppose. when a guy wants a chick he will make sure that he makes it to that date! NO MATTER WHAT, my only advise is if you still wanna try is that next time he asks if your a bit of a gambler say no but maybe another time then ask him to call you next week or something if he's still keen.i wouldnt be going out of my way for these games though
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (29 November 2009):
 Men rarely like to come out of any situation looking like a bad guy, they are also really TERRIBLE at doing the right thing and inadvertantly will give to the run a round when they are trying to wriggle out of a situation. Lots and lots of men do this and they can't see that it's much much worse to treat a woman like this rather than just being up front and saying ' I changed my mind'
Women always have that nagging little thing in their brain that makes them keep on at a guy to get the answer they need. Women absolutely hate being ignored and it's like a moth to the flame until they get some satisfaction. You then get into a situation where it's the woman chasing the man because A) He's been a confusing, indecisive jerk and B) Because she cannot rest until she has an answer that will resolve the confusion.
Personally I would drop him like a hot sack of s**t. Be a lady about it but just walk away. Ignore any calls he makes to you and don't speak to him if you see him out. This will absolutely drive him nuts if he is still remotely interested in you, it will also send him a huge message that you are a woman who absolutely will not be treated badly...it's his loss and other people you meet will treat you better.
AE x
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