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I have feelings for my drug addicted friend's girlfriend

Tagged as: Friends, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 December 2017) 3 Answers - (Newest, 9 December 2017)
A male Australia age 26-29, *ether writes:

Hey guys! I'll try be brief.

So I have a friend who is going psychotic due to his drug use that he denies to a psychotic extent. He twists reality and makes everyone his enemy if they try to confront him (I have tried a few times and he angrily lectures me).

I went to a festival with him recently and he thought I stole some drugs off him (not true) and ended up ransacking my tent a fair while later. At the time I couldn't calm him down so I left the area which made him rage and search for me. His girlfriend told me to hide and she found me.

His gf an I hung out and we clarified the fact she is unhappy and that he is losing it. I was just trying to blatantly say the truth as made obvious by the situation. I fear I have started to fall for her but if that happens, my friend will interpret it that I manipulated her and stole her from him and may possibly try to harm me (hopefully not). I actually feel horrible like i am meddling but i can't just watch them both in pain.

She is afraid to leave him because he might die from his drug abuse otherwise. I told her she cannot stay with someone with that kind of responsibility as harsh as that might be. That he needs other help, but he wont get it with this level of denial.

I suppose I have done all I can, but I feel like he could get violent towards me if i tried an intervention because i feel he would blame me for manipulating everyone as I am the one who tries to confront him the most.

I just want to know I have done all I can for him, yet it feels so hypocritical because I feel like his girlfriend and I have feelings for each other and she has been put through such mental manipulation.

What could I do?

View related questions: drugs, violent

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A male reader, Aether Australia +, writes (9 December 2017):

Aether is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks guys, I was a little spun out when asking this question. I think you are 100% right Denizen, you can't just jump from one relationship to another, especially one like this. I am choosing to give them space. I have offered my help if needed.

Thank you aunt honesty. He does need to make the decision to take responsibility before any progress can be made. I am hanging back, but I won't confront him again as he has raged at me before for implying having a problem.

I don't agree that I need to be loyal to my friend as he has abused the friendship quite a few times now and I don't count it as a friendship anymore. This doesn't mean actively stab him in the back either. I agree that I shouldn't crack onto his girlfriend in such a vulnerable situation.

I haven't been seeing her but I have been around to help her when my friend is barely conscious. I don't think there would be much stealing going on in this situation as she initiated close behaviour towards me and he is actively driving her away.

Despite my own feelings I would fix their relationship if i could, but if she wants to pursue me I will leave that to her, I have to let life sort their situation of realisation through suffering. I've realised it's going to be the only way here and anything else will prolong suffering or put myself or others in further danger. I have tried to help him and I have told her the truth and offered my help, nothing else to do.

Thanks again, I really appreciate having the help to reflect.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (8 December 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntThere is nothing that you can do for your friend. He needs to be able to help himself and want to come off the drugs and be a better person. Sure people can support him but it needs to be his decision and his choice. I think the best thing that you can do is hold back if he is treating you like this, if it was me I would back out off the friendship and tell him you don't want anything to do with him now because he has an addiction problem and you don't want involved.

As for his girlfriend, you should still be loyal to your friend and stay away from her. Yes she might be unhappy and you might have feelings, but she is still a friends girlfriend and it would be wrong on so many levels to crack on with her. Be honest with her and tell her you cannot see her any more because it is to hard and create a distance between you both. Don't be that guy who steals women from others.

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom +, writes (6 December 2017):

Denizen agony auntOf course she needs a clean break from him before embarking on any other romance. If you move in too soon you will only concern his paranoid suspicions. The consequences one can only imagine.

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