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My ex isn't apologetic about his behavior and its starting to turn me off

Tagged as: The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 December 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 8 December 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, *aybaybay_x writes:

I broke things off with him because he kept gaslighting me. Anytime I wanted to talk to him about something he’d call me a drama queen, sensitive, emotional. I got so drained trying to salvage things. The last straw was when he told me to shut up as i told him to stop calling me names. I ended things, to which he requested to stay friends and before i could respond he messaged me a job ad for his old work place asking me to be a spy, I did not reply as I needed space.

I broke things off a week ago. This weekend I was on snapchat getting ready to go out and just posting fun videos and saw he messaged me. I was late and thought I’d answer later. When I opened the message I saw that he complimented me, said i looked pretty... but assuming because I didn’t answer his message, he proceeded to say “ lool you’re so stubborn and predictable, anyway you’ll open this message. Enjoy your prettiness?“

I just wonder why he’s being like this....Did I do the right thing in ignoring him? I care about him... I often worry about him as he was extremely stressed

I just wonder why he was so upset by my delayed response...

I actually wanted to talk to him as we did leave things on a bad note but I left it and still haven't replied because it drained me again and it just reminded me why i left it. He still watches my snaps. Did I do the right thing? I keep thinking about him, he literally just changed on me. He was a sweetheart before and i know he was extremely stressed out from the job he just left... I still worry about him but he makes it so difficult to see him in a positive light...

i worry that I pushed him away by being silent...but to me the way he speaks to me sometimes is unacceptable to me and I’ve tried to reason with him but he just won’t stop. I know it sounds silly but we’ve known each other since we were 14. We’re 25 now...

what do I do now?

What i actually require from him before any kind of reconcilliation is an apology. When he told me to shut up , he explained that he did not mean it in an aggressive way, he meant it in a passing way because he was also annoyed. We didn't speak for a couple days after he said this and then he called me because he said he was at a funeral and realised that life is short (usually if we had a falling out, he would come over and we’d talk it out)

I broke it off after that convo as he didn't seem apologetic and i was starting to get turned off by his behaviour...

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (8 December 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntI know this is difficult for you, you have knowing him for a long long time so off course you are going to worry and off course you are going to care. We as outsiders can see from your post that you breaking up with him was the right thing to do, he is acting immature and like a child. Off course you are going to feel emotional you are going to miss him and want to make sure he is okay. But you need to stay strong and look after yourself. You need to put YOU first and take time to get over him. It will be difficult. First love is the hardest to get over, but you need to realize that you deserve to be treated better than this.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (5 December 2017):

N91 agony auntI wouldn't even be trying to reconcile.

The whole point of a break up is to leave each other be and move on. This guy hasn't changed since you left him which shows you were absolutely correct to do so. Stop hindering your moving on progress.

Block and delete him, get rid and move forwards.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (5 December 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntSweetheart, you already know the answer to this one. Just a couple of your quotes:

"it drained me again and it just reminded me why i left it"

"the way he speaks to me sometimes is unacceptable to me and I’ve tried to reason with him but he just won’t stop"

Just because you've known him for years and just because you care about his well-being does not mean you need to stay in an abusive relationship with him - because that is exactly what it is turning into. If I were you, I would distance myself from him for as long as it takes for you both to separate properly from each other.

"I just wonder why he was so upset by my delayed response". Easy. He felt he had lost control of you. Keep it that way. Enjoy your life. You are young. Don't look back on what should have been good times to remember only pain and feeling "drained".

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (5 December 2017):

Honeypie agony auntHe is acting more like a 14-year-old than a guy of 25, so for your OWN sake tell him that you DO NOT want to be friends and then you BLOCK his ass. You don't OWE him to friends what all he does is drain you.

He doesn't OWE you an apology. You are just having to move on without one. And here is why. If he apologizes it won't be from the heart, it will JUST be words. So in short, a USELESS apology.

He is full of excuses, takes no responsibility for his words or actions - there is ALWAYS some or other "reason" why it's "ok" for him to call your name and be an ass to you. In reality... none of that is OK and you did the right thing in breaking up with him.

Telling your partner to shut up is what a 5-year-old would do, just add some fingers in the ears... If he doesn't WANT to have a conversation at THAT moment over something he could have said: " look let's talk about this at another time, I can't deal with it this minute." Instead? He CHOSE to tell you to shut up, there is NO good reason for it, other than HE doesn't think he had to talk to you in an appropriate and respectful manner.

You need to stop thinking YOU made him do what he did to you. You didn't HE chose the words he used, he chose to gaslight you instead of having a GROWN UP conversation about what is really going on.

The longer you "keep" him in your life, the LONGER it is going to take for you to get over him.

You two might have been a good fit when you first started dating but the guy is immature, inconsiderate, selfish and absolutely disrespectful.

You have outgrown him. It happens. Doesn't mean he is a totally bad guy. It is after all possible to LOVE and CARE for someone and NOT be a good match and NOt be together.

I think you should block him on snap chat. He doesn't need a peek at your life or even comment on what you have going. If you don't want to block him entirely from your life then don't... but... I would if I were you. At least until you are OVER him.

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A female reader, Kaybaybay_x United Kingdom +, writes (5 December 2017):

Kaybaybay_x is verified as being by the original poster of the question

You’re right. I’m literally just going through the motions. It’s silly to even waste anymore time thinking

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (5 December 2017):

He’s an immature adolescent. If you don’t like his attitude block him. He’s no longer your boyfriend so there is no reason to be in contact with him if you don’t want to be.

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A male reader, Xearo Trinidad and Tobago +, writes (5 December 2017):

The relationship is ended so he doesn't owe you anything nor do you owe him anything. He is young so I doubt he will come to understand the errors of his ways. You need someone more mature in your life and you deserve to be happy. Someone should not call you names and think it is ok to do so. And it seems like he is ok doing that. What do you think about it?

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