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I have cunning plan to get back with my ex-girlfriend... Tell me: Will it work?

Tagged as: Breaking up<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 January 2006) 13 Answers - (Newest, 4 April 2008)
A male , *ayhva112 writes:

I submitted an inquiry about my girlfriend of 2 and a half years breaking up with me. She said "I don't think I can rekindle the feelings I once had for you, no matter how much you change." But I am determined to prove her wrong. I have thought very long and hard about this, and I have come up with a very practical solution. Instead of hounding her with "I want you back" which seems desperate and weak. (By the way I have a close friendship with her brother, and after she has some space and feels comfortable, we are all going to hang out again at his house often.)

At first after the breakup, she said she needed space. Yet we talked online for just a few minutes at a time, and everything was okay, so I figured she was okay with having short convos. But later on she seemed very upset with me, and I know for a fact that I violated her space she requested.

Right now I am making sure she has all the space she needs. I told her brother to let her know that I realize that I messed up, and that I am sorry for crowding her after she asked for space. Her response to that was "It's good he realized what he did was wrong, but it doesn't change anything." I know I crowded her too much in our relationship and I honestly do not want to do that again. It was unhealthy for both of us.

So when her brother invites me over, I planned on asking her, "Are you absolutely sure that you are okay with me coming over? I know I violated the space you asked for before, and I do not want to be pushy or make you feel uncomfortable for my own selfish reasons." I think this may help the situation a little, because she will most likely realize that I have learned about her need for space, and why she needs it etc.

Now, my idea. When we hang out (after she is comfortable with doing so). I am going to SHOW her how I have changed. Rather than talking about it. I'm going to help around the house (her parents' house, she's in college.) Make sure that when I do talk to her, I keep it at a maximum of 15 minutes, to reassure her that I will not crowd her space again. Only if she seems entirely interested in the conversation, will I continue it past 15 minutes.

Are there any other subtle hints I can throw out there? Any other ways to show her I care, but not something incredibly obvious? I don't want to directly show her that I want her back, I think it will make her feel uncomfortable. I simply want to show her how I have changed and what a good person I can be. Also, I want her to know that I am still the person she fell in love with, but that I have grown up, bettered myself, and become stronger.

I honestly think if I do these things, then she might think to herself "Wow, he really has changed." Possibly rekindling her feelings for me in some way.

Do you have any suggestions about further ways I can show her I care, and that I have changed, without being so direct? I want her to WANT me back, not to ASK her back. I truly feel that this plan could work.

Do you see any reasons why it shouldn't? Also, is there anything that I should avoid doing/saying during this proccess? I feel that if I come right out and say it then it will just be too obvious and ruin my chances. I believe I have to show her that I am okay without her and that I am strong willed, but also that I still care about her.

I know for a fact she thought I was smothering her, and that I thought I needed her rather than wanted her. So being too forward would probably just push her away.

Does this sound like a good plan? Even though I have already violated her space once before? Is it too late?! I want to be her friend, but also want her put some ideas in her head about possibly liking me again because of how much I have grown since our breakup.

One last thing. If my plan works, are there any signs I should look for? Anything she might say or do, that could possibly mean she is interested in me once again? I have a feeling she will be reluctant to do so, but maybe she will throw out a subtle hint or two of her own? WHAT SHOULD I DO!?

View related questions: fell in love, my ex

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A male reader, brow Canada +, writes (4 April 2008):

Dude I'm in a similar situation.

She reaches out to me now. I listen, talk, act somewhat indifferent. I think indifference is a big part of getting her back. I work harder now, socialize more, I'm just busy all the time. It keeps me going. I believe she thinks about me. I don't think she is seeing anyone else (unfortunately, i could be wrong of course) I feel like I'm moving forward in life. And that she may want to team up with me again. And if she decides not to I want to moving fast enough that I don't even realize her absence. I hope I can gain enough momentum.

Good luck bro, whatever happens happens..

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2008):

I was reading this post and felt obligated to reply. The problem is not you or not giving her enough space. When you are in love with someone space is not the issue. You want to be with that person as much as possible and the other person wants the same. The real question here is if she is interested in another guy. I just recently went thru the same scenario and it turned out she was interested in a married man she works with and she used the same exact excuse your girlfriend used on you. 9 times out of 10 people dont fall out of love they just meet other people. What does that same abt the person who is doing the breaking up? I'll tell you they never really loved you in the first place. My advice to you is to think long and hard if you really want her back. If you come to the conclusion you do sit back and wait to see what happens, do nothing, she is expecting you to call her and badger her. Let her see what life is like with out you and wonder what you are doing. I also have a close friendship with my ex's brother. I make sure not to bring her up or if he does i tell him i really dont want to talk abt her because i am trying to move on. Even though you have a friendship with him she still is her blood and will ultimately side with her. If he goes back to her and tells her your moving on it will drive her nuts, TRUST ME. P.S. dont go on all these sites abt plans to win her back they are bull, each situation is different and needs to be handled in a matter in which the situation calls for. Move on, if she comes back to you great, if not her loss at least this way you wont pass up on a great girl because you are waiting for her too come back. Think abt what your saying, you know you were wrong for wanting to spend as much time as possible with her after being with her for 2+ yrs, Come ON!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2007):

I'm in a similar situation, but a little more complicated then yours. I have a plan to win her back, but its more of a general idea. Your plan is to specific. Try to take it day by day. That is what I'm doing right now. I guess I will know when the time is right when it comes. I also noticed that this was posted in 2006. Did you plan work?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2007):

Dude, I feel your pain...Stop thinking about the break up and all the negative things she thinks you did to ruin the relationship. Live, learn and move on. Trust me if you are friends with her brother I'm sure he will be more then happy to let her know that you are out and about in the dating world again. That will drive her into a jealous state of mind...TRUST ME... My ex and I are still friends, we socialize, have dinner, talk on the phone and pretty much act as if we are together, even though I heard the same things as you... I need space, I need to be alone, I need to this and that and blah blah blah... I tried desperatly to win her back and just pushed her away. I looked like a lost puppy in her eyes. Funny thing is when I started missing her phone calls and text messages is when she wanted to be friends. When I asked her out for a drink she said yes... When she asked about me dating others I said 1 thing...Im talking to a few girls but its nothing to serious that has captured my interest. Its okay to bend reality a bit...If its meant it will be...Chin up If she loves you she will be back if not NEXT ! !!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2006):

Listen man, I broke up with my baby last sunday... and we've spoken every day since... it is going well and I am not depressed anymore... but my point is that YESTERDAY we ended up watching a movie cuddling, and kissing later, romantically, not sexually. And it means we still love each other; we broke up because she needs to get through other personal problems that had been affecting our relationship (and I made mistakes when she needed help). In any case... I have a close friend who broke up A YEAR AGO and still hangs out with her and they still kiss every now and then, and love each other, but they CAN'T get back together, according to her. Her feelings changed. WHY? BECAUSE she still gets all the good and no bad. No change where none is needed. Sounds to me like you are going to show her what kind of man you can be... it sounds amazing... I was thinking that myself after that night. But everybody I know that has been through similar stages (and either got back together or movedo on) has told me that the best thing to do right now is ACTUALLY GIVING HER SPACE. She asked you for space... so give it to her... basically what you need her to do is to miss you... to suffer (sounds horrible I know)... ONLY then will she realise that she really misses you... if she still does. Don't give her any good anymore... girls like this comfort position, so don't comply. She broke up with you because it was affecting her or something... so if she can get the good in you without the stress, she will; wether she realises or not. Man, if your love is strong enough, it will linger. Otherwise, by staying out of her life with this master plan in mind, you will help yourself to move on, in case she never gets back.

Make her miss you. But don't be rude. Talk to her if she reaches out to you, but don't give in too much. I would also suggest LETTING HER KNOW what you are doing... because otherwise she's going to get confused and it will backfire on you. Say you have understood that things to have to change, and that you will actually give her space, as in not looking for her and calling her, but that you will always be 'on call' for when she wants to talk. Just don't get manipulated. You love her and you are susceptible.

Write down a couple phrases on a piece of paper and keep it at hand:

Be strong. Do it for her. Give her space. Be ready to let go... and so on.

Best wishes,

- a man in a SIMILAR position.

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A male reader, Jayhva112 +, writes (14 January 2006):

Jayhva112 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I wanted to add one last thing about her and I deciding to be friends after our breakup. She said she wanted it to happen "naturally" and "not anytime soon" "not ready yet". She MIGHT contact me when she feels like shes comfortable being around me, but I am afraid that she will not. Like I said her brother will be able to let me know when the time is right. He said everyone who hangs out over there misses me and they want me to be able to come back over and hang out (we hang out other places, but I miss hanging out there) and she said that she wanted that when we broke up (for me to be able to come back over) so maybe she will contact me when shes ready. I just doubt it. I dunno. After I violated her need for space she seemed angry with me (and I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND WHY, PLEASE DO NOT RUB IT IN MY FACE! LOL). I just wanted to point that out, although she said she does still want to be friends, but "its too soon" like I said before. I just wanted to throw out these thoughts and facts. It may help shed some light on the subject for anyone who wants to post an answer to my question.

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A male reader, Jayhva112 +, writes (14 January 2006):

Jayhva112 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

We talked a while ago after we broke up about being friends. I do want to be her friend, although at this point I want more. But like I said before, being her friend will be much better than not having her in my life. She told me it was "too soon" and I agree, it is too soon. One suggestion was to take a month off, another from a post was two months. I'm not sure if she will contact me, but I keep contact with her brother and he said he would let me know when she feels comfortable with me hanging out over there again. So either way I will find out when she feels comfortable with being friends. Any other suggestions? I am keeping myself busy with my work right now, and I will wait as long as it takes to get her back into my life, in any way. I am doubting she will contact me. Should I avoid contacting her even after two months? Her brother said he would ask if it was okay if I came over soon, and I told him not to, because I do not want to push her away from me. Being her friend is important, and I refuse to go over there if she is uncomfortable with it. When he does invite me over, after a month or two, I will ask her "Are you sure it is okay that I come over? I know I violated your space before, and I made a promise to myself not to do it again. I will only come over if you feel 100% comfortable with it." (her brother agreed to only invite me over if she is comfortable with it, through my request.) Also I think it might be a good idea, when she is ready to be friends, to first talk to her via email (also we play both play World of Warcraft, so I can talk to her VIA Instant Messages through that). This will break the uncomfortable setting of seeing each other and having uncomfortable silence. I believe that if we talk for few weeks via emails and instant messages, and possibly on the phone, that it will build our friendship to the point where we feel much more comfortable when we see each other in person. I thought also that it might be a good idea to go out to lunch with her before hanging out with other people. I will avoid talking about our love relationship, and just ask how she has been doing, what she has been up to, how her grades are in college and so forth. Keep it upbeat and personal, but not too personal or invading. Anything else anyone would like to suggest or add to this?

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A male reader, Jayhva112 +, writes (14 January 2006):

Jayhva112 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

As of the moment, I have decided to be friends with her. After giving her some time and space (and some for myself as well), then I will see if my feelings have changed for her. I want her in my life regardless of whether or not we have a love relationship, she is so very special and unique. I think some time apart will do us both some good, even if we do not get back together. I love her so much, and always will, even if it is just as a friend.

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A male reader, Jayhva112 +, writes (14 January 2006):

Jayhva112 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you very much for opening my eyes to the "plan". Although I thought about it, and I don't only want to do these things to get her back. I also want to make sure her parents know that I care about them also. Her entire family is very special to me, and I do not desire in anyway, shape or form, to once again become the person she broke up with. Thank you for telling me to be myself, I will definitely do so. The only thing I am afraid of is the possibility that I have already violated her space too much. I told her brother to let her know that I feel that violating her space was wrong, and she said "thats good that he realizes what he did was wrong, but it doesn't change anything." And she is an honest person and I believe what she says is true. It hasn't changed anything. I do want her back, so can I still give her space and possibly rekindle something? Also, more than anything I do not want to lose her friendship. Even if we do not get back together, I still want her in my life because she is very important to me and I will be able to accept the fact that we cannot have a relationship if she does not want one, but being her friend would be better than not being anything to her.

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A male reader, Mr.Ed +, writes (13 January 2006):

Mr.Ed agony auntThe last thing anyone want's to hear is I need space, but in fact we all need some space. The question is what to do with your space not hers. Concentrate your efforts on learning more about yourself and what your good at. Find a new hobby, girl, friend or something that interest you. If you really want her back LEAVE HER ALONE. Some girls actually see what they lost after they lost it. You focus on what your going to do right in the next relationship; if it is with another girl then fix the problem now before you start. If she comes back (she'll let you know trust me) then you fixed that problem anyway and can just start falling in love the right way. Imagine what you would feel like if you had to check in everytime you did anything. Would you like it? NO! So whenever someone uses the term "smothered" it usually means they can't BREATH. I say give her one state and you take another for at least 60 days. In the mean time; keep your eyes open for a new canidate.

Sincerely

Ed

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A reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (13 January 2006):

I Dont Lie agony auntNo, let me tell you why i think it will not work. First of all, and this is the most important rule in a relationship, you can never ever make a girl like you if she is in fact not interested. Anything, said or done would only be a waste of time, and worse, she might find you irritating! If your ex likes you and wants the relationship to work again, she WILL let you know (be it actions or saying it to you). In fact, the only way I see this ever working out between the both of you is to leave her be. You see, its a psychology thing. Youd want her to miss you. You havent given her the space and time to miss you as you keep popping over to her house and keeping in contact with her family and friends. Avoid her completely. Dont call her. Leave your own life. You have to better yourself in the meantime and make her realise you WILL NOT and REFUSE to be at her doorstep whenever she calls. The aim here is to make her feel like shes losing something good in her life. With your constant hogging, she will see you as a loser. Your method would not only not work, in fact itll kill all other chances you could salvage with her.

So, what should be your plan of action? Better yourself and avoid contact with her till she contacts you. Show her that shes missing out on you, not the other way round!! You can do it boy!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2006):

I understand totally how you feel but these are normal feelings following a break-up. It is natural to try to get the person back who has broken up with you in any way you can because it was not your decision to finish the relationship. You should not be thinking along the lines of getting her back because as hard as it is to accept she has already told you how she feels. Your plan sounds logical in your head but you are heartbroken and will try anything. The best thing you can do is allow yourself to heal. If you want to see her brother see him in a neutral setting. Do no go to her parent's house or try to get involved with giving a good impression. From a female point of view the most attractive thing you can do in her eyes is remove yourself from her life completely and look to the future. Take comfort in always being able to enquire about her general well-being but keep that to a minimum. Everyone has to go through at least one heartbreak in their lifetime. Cry, get angry, think about what you have lost but then move on. It will get better with time until eventually you will just have fond memories left and a bright, happy future with someone who really wants to be with you.

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A reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (13 January 2006):

Rebecca Batchelor agony auntI truely believe you are trying too hard and that if she has any sense at all she will see right through your 'plans'!

If you have to create, organise and plan a method of 'getting her back' then you aren't being true to her or yourself. She isn't going to think; "Wow, he's really changed" because it simply isn't true as you aren't acting naturally and being yourself. Okay, so let's say she does think you've changed, she will soon find out that your plan was all an act in a bid to get her back because you will revert to your original behaviour again once she is yours.

I'm sorry, you won't like what I'm saying here but I can't give you any advice as to how to show her you care apart from the obvious and that is to be yourself. The only person she will fall back in love with is you so that is the only person to be.

The problem with all your plans of how to behave, what to say, how long to speak to her is that they are too calculated and all designed to impress her because if you only wish her to know how much you have changed, then her seeing you behaving normally is all that is required!

Of course you don't want to do or say the wrong thing and you are aware of what's gone wrong before but express to her at some point how you feel and leave the rest to her.

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