A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have to hide my relationship with my boyfriend of a year from my parents, just because of his families relgion and it's cause me to become so depressed. His family are muslim but are not as strict as many are protrayed.I really love my boyfriend, he's prefect in my eyes. I know im only young but i know he's the one for me.I wouldn't say my parents are racist but when they have old fashioned views, and believe only british straight people should live in england. I've been close to telling them that im with him before but whenever i try to tell them,i'll end up saying something completely unrelated.His family are aware of our relationship, and while they don't give us their blessing, at least we can go round to his house and be a couple!I keep having to lie to my parents and i hate it, and know that they will hate me if they find out. Im sick of lying though! Can someone please give me some advice?!
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female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (13 March 2009):
 To some, religion is the deal breaker, to others, it their choice of political parties that break them apart!
What I was trying to say is, "ideology" - be it religion, race/ethnicity, politics, education, social class, money (yes money!) and so forth - is indeed an important part of one's philosophy in life. And yes, because to them, it is a fundamental part of their life, it is not easy to have an open and meaning discussion on this issue.
I had a friend in college who "disowned" her own parents because they belonged to a political party that she just hated with a passion. She also only chose to date men who have the same "political ideology" as she.
My "extended family" circles are mainly Muslims and Asians. However, I have uncles/aunts and cousins that marry Confusionists, Catholics, Protestants, as well as Muslims. Not a problem to us or their parents. Their parents just told them that if they were adults enough to choose whomever they want to marry, they can do so - and live with the consequences of their own choice. When I was little, it was actually fun for me, because to me it seemed like there were always celebrations and parties to go to! More sugars for me! (And for an undiagnosed ADHD kid, that was like going to heaven ... several times a year! LOL)
If you have time, find a movie rental place, or download from the web, some of these very interesting and educational movies:
Movies by Director/writer/producer Mira Nair:
- The Namesake (2006)
- Monsoon Wedding (2000)
- Mississippi Masala
- Hysterical Blindness (featured in HBO)
(Google her name and you will find more films from her)
Other awareness raising movies on race, religion, and sexual preference - shown light heartedly - include:
- East is east
- Bhaji on the Beach
- Bend it like Bekham
- Bride and Prejudice
(I am sure you will find more if you Google, or if you find a chat room or a forum where people discuss indie or non-main stream movies).
One thing for sure though, your parents will still be your parents. Should you decide to get married to your Muslim boyfriend, and later have children, your parents and his parents will renew their kinship and welcome their grandchildren and love them to bits. As grandparents do (they just can't help it ... it is in their blood! LOL)
One you found those movies, try to watch them at home, with your parents. Just don't tell them that you got the movies to educate them, just tell them somebody recommended those movies to you and that you wanted to watch something "different". Make positive comments when you watch these movies with your parents. This way, you won't come accross as being patronizing at all.
And if they started to get nasty or negative, refer to the movies again and tell them how difficult it must be for all parties concerned. Keep a cool head. At the same time, try to be funny positive (not funny derogatory) and witty also (that is the most difficult part) when they start being negative again.
You only need to go through some postings here to know that guys dump their girlfriends only one day after they declared their everlasting love to their soul mates/partners/girlfriends - not because of religion, but simply because these guys were just major jerks! (LOL ... well sort of)
Changing one's mind-set requires a lot of empathy and patience and creativity (of mind and brain). If all fails, however, then you just need to go back to yourself again. Are you prepared to live with the consequences of your decision, or not? Will your boyfriend be supportive of you in your "darkest" hours of being put down or distanced from your own family? And so forth and so on.
It sounds like his family is already on the first step toward recognizing that his son is an adult and capable of making his own life choices himself.
So, on that note. your task is to prove that you are also an adult, and that as a civilized adult, you respect both parents, and that you have a lot of love and compassion and undertanding to go around for your boyfriend, your parents, his parents, and whoever wants to interfere and comment on your relationship. You are the bigger person than some small-minded people on earth.
Good luck! And congratulations on your boyfriend. He sounds like a keeper!
Cat
xxx
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (12 March 2009):
 My daughter came to me when she was involved with a family of a very different religion; although they were practicing theirs and we were not. I warned her that often, people of this certain faith wanted to marry inside their own religion; and I did so because I was worried that she might get hurt, because I'm her Mom. He talked he into going to meet his parents after professing that she was "the one". They came back to Uni and he dumped her the next day, just before exams. What an immature jerk. But you know what could have been worse? She could have been married to this spineless jellyfish!
The reason that I am telling you this story is that this only happened 4 years ago, not 40! Religion can be a deciding factor when choosing to settle down with someone. Family can be a deciding factor when settling down with someone, mainly, because they are blood and we usually want to keep them in our lives for the rest of our lives.
The first thing that I would do is get a backbone, steel your nerve up and come clean with your Mom and Dad. You won't know until you sit down with them and talk how they feel.
How? Wait for a moment when the three of you are alone together, in a good mood, and discussing your life. Then just say it. "Mom, Dad, I am seeing someone that I truly care for, who is a great person and I would like to bring him here to meet you. His name is *****, his family lives in ***** and they are Muslim." Then be prepared to answer questions. Lastly, don't get defensive, and no tears. If things don't go as planned, then back off and let them know that you want them to consider meeting him. Don't spring it on them by doing it in front of others or by bringing him home first.
If you have always pictured your parents as your children's grandparents, in a cosy scenario where you are all close, then you need to find out how they feel. You owe it to them to be up front with them. Then you will be able to make a decision for your future goals, based on what YOU are prepared to live with.
The best relationships, the ones that last, are made with your head AND your heart.
One warning flag is that you have said that you don't have their blessings either, the other red flag is that you are too afraid to tell your family so you hide him from them.
It has to come out, dear, and you are the only one who can do it. I'm wondering what will happen when you are putting both sets of parents in the same room together, say, at a pre-wedding meeting, if you haven't told them! How do you think that would pan out? You need to find out LONG before that happens, because what you are actually doing is dating for the purpose of finding a spouse, and in doing that you will be making these two families In-Laws.
Please, Please, Please, if you aren't sure about how all of this is going to play out, then don't bring a child into the world by having sex or having your contraception fail right now. A child deserves to be brought into a two parent unit with happy extended family, IDEALLY. This is what most people consider the best case scenario, but You are the one controlling that decision. Sex is what decides a lot of other situations, like being a single Mom, when things don't work out.
The other best case scenario? Hopefully, both sets of parents are more evolved than you think, and they accept each other. You won't know until you are responsible and do the grown up thing and tell them. Have a little faith in them. Take care, Dear and Good Luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2009): Yes, when we are forced to hide something or someone so incredibly special to us, from our families...it does cause misplaced guilt and feelings of shame. Thus the sadness (depression) You want your parents to be in your corner, to be happy for you. I totally understand that. You are an adult who can choose whom she wants in her life. It's time to tell Mom and Dad. Your parents don’t have to love this guy..the important things is, you love him and he makes you happy. Grab your inner courage and be truthful with your parents and ask for their respect.
I do have to say, when people have such a big bias against others based on religion, lifestyles, etc (all external stuff) then, that type of mindset, does really expose their limitations as human beings. Now is the time to tellt them, because if you always let them decide which path your life will take, based on 'their own limitations' then you set a precedent, for the future. They will always try to make decisions for you. You'd be reinforcing that notion in them. So take a stand and be honest, open, and come out with it. It's time to grow up! If you give them power to make decisions for you, you will grow weaker, as a person and be come more dependant on them. Don't do that to yourself!
So make a decision to calm and tell them. Figure out how you want to tell them. But I will say, if this seems too difficult for you to take a stand for the man you love, then maybe that's a sign that , perhaps your feelings for this guy isn't love after all. Irregardless of this, I still do encourage you as an adult now, to be strong, mature and follow what comes from your deepest self. This is a good start to allowing your parents to view you in a new light..that one of a determined strong young lady! Perhaps that will bring you and your parents closer together, perhaps it will lead you apart. We don’t know. But you need to tell them and just let it progress one day at a time. You may have to give a few days of grace. to let it all sink in. But as an adult now, you make your own decisions in your life, and if this is the man you love, then that is all Mom and Dad should want for you. It's time for you to grab your independance and speak up for yourself and the man you love. Talk to Mom and Dad, quietly, calmly and tell them. It could get heated. If it does...get up and leave them to think about it. They will come around . Parents always do...some just need time to accept the impact of what was just told to them. Good luck and be happy.
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