A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:First of all I am in a long distance relationship with a girl (33) who I have been seeing for the past year. She moved back to another European country 6 months ago. We fell very much in love, but like many guys I have a terrible issue with her past, as she has slept with around 30 guys to my 6 women. I'm 29, and have been involved in 2 long term relationships for the last 10 yrs.I know, that was her past, but I just can't get over it, and it is made worse by the fact we have problems with sex. We tried at first with a condom but we both found it awkward and unpleasurable.The other thing is the fact that only seeing each infrequently, sex for her at times feels forced, something we have to do cos we we only have a short weekend to do it. She doesn't feel able to enjoy it because she can't feel relaxed because of this. Not much fun then. She is reluctant to go on the pill, as she was from the age of 16-30, and didn't like the hormone effects when she came off it. She did go to the doctor recently and get another new contraceptive which is basically like a large rubber band! Which worked fine, except it totally changed her personality and she had horrific mood swings, which almost broke us up, so I told her to take it out pretty quick. She says if she goes back on the pill, the same thing will happen with her hormones. Is this true? Or is there a chance it could be different? Or is there anything else we can try?So now, the next time we see each other its back to the condom. I'm just not sure I can face using that for the next however many years. Not much fun having the thought in my head that all these other guys didn't have to go through this! In fact, that's driving me insane. What a mess I'm in. What on earth should I do? Move on? or hope things get better?
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condom, her past, long distance, move on, the pill Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Emerald2000  +, writes (20 May 2009):
Leave her and get serious with someone who doesn't sleep around.
You're a guy. You don't want to be with a slut and you know it. That's why you're suffering. You want a relationship, which is great, but you don't want that. You know it. I know it. Pretty much every guy knows it. Man up, bro. Move on. Or welcome to that lousy feeling in the pit of your stomach for the rest of your life. It doesn't get better.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2008): get and HIV test. You might not want little Jessie or Adam born with STD.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2008): The moral of this story is not to discuss "numbers" when it comes to relationships. If one person has had more sexual partners than the other, it will only breed resentment.
In the past I've dicsussed numbers with exes and it's only ended up causing an atmosphere. I don't want to know want to know how many sexual partners my fiance had, or for him to know how many I had previously for that matter. What matters is that we love each other enormously, and our present and future are what matter. I've learnt from experience that it's a pointless discussion that only puts pressure on the relationship. You should be secure enough in yourself not to have to broach this conversational topic unless it has an impact on your life NOW.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2008): You will either have to change your values to stay with that person or move on! I would recommend moving on! If you really want to commit and develop a serious relationship then you need to find somebody who is available, who is trustuble and who you really respect. DONT FORGET if you are with somebody you do not respect, you are not respecting yourself!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2008): Reread your post and more important than being number 31 is the fact you are in long distance relationship that isn't clearly defined and where the sex isn't good. Hello? Move on, dude. You are way too uptight for this girl in my opinion. Guys like are too uptight about sex and she probably is not at all and probably without realizing it you're making her feel bad about her past. I hate to do this with you, but she's slept with more than 30 and there's very good chance she's had 3somes and other hidden gems. I've no doubt she's changed but she likely was very free spirit growing up and totally into experiencing things beyond typical stuff. Believe me that she's picked up on your vibes of not liking that so she down played how many like most women are forced to do with guys like you. You should just chill out about that and talk about sex, have a sense of humor about it, learn from her. She might be able to give you a great sex life if you'd just chill out and stop being so neurotic. I'm dating a woman who had a lover in her past that basically was freakin' sex expert. If I ever meet him I'll thank him because combined with our love is a woman who is really good at sex and we have created our own unique intimacy. If I was a weenie I'd sit around going "I'm not as good as that guy" but instead I'm happy she has the knowledge she has and together we have sex that rocks. Your girl is probably ready to meet a guy who's into commitment after years of her past but I sense you are the type that can't handle a woman who's been with a lot of men. You'll likely think about 20 years from now if you stay together. I think you should move on cause you are neurotic and you need to find a woman that is little more traditional (submissive and less experienced than you and therefore able to except you as the sexual power).I can tell it bothers you and given you are not in a really great sexual relationship seeing her all the time, you should move on unless the thought of breaking up makes her genuinely sad and she's the one who wants to stay with you. If that is the case, let her do what she needs to do to have healthy sex life, relax, and just give her a good ride and take a good ride from her. You should let her teach you to relax and what she likes and let her give advice since she likely has lots. You're thinking about things too much and not letting yourself relax about sex. Get books, watch erotic films, talk about sex, and share them together and talk once in awhile about her past lovers and what they did. Open your mind and take it to the next level and don't be such a weener about all this stuff. The myths you've created in your mind will be shattered and you'll just realize she's just a person like the rest of us who wants to meet a good person like you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): Think you should move on. I think you see her many partners (rightly or wrongly) as an indication of her values, morals etc etc. Its like she is very different to you in that way and the way she has conducted her life. This sounds terribly judgmental but we have to form opinions otherwise we'd never know what we'd like or dislike. Maybe you are concerned that if she can have sex so freely as to not seem to care or remember the men - then maybe she could do it again (cheat?) and you also feel less special. I think other men or women would feel as you do. As for wearing a condom I think in a long term relationship that is a lot to ask from a man - and actually I am surprised because from my point of view they are not spontaneous or 'pretty' as just leaving things natural. There are other methods of contraception - many others - and they depend on how much risk you wish to take. Perhaps this would help you also to speak with someone about the options. If she is not prepared to then she doesn't care about your feelings. Again.... indicating time to move on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008):
I wish women would realize that men having a problem with their past is not some kind of choice they made one day.
It's biologically programmed into men and they don't have any say in the matter. It's not just some kind of "male ego problem." It's belittling to the men wrestling with these feelings to be treated as if they WANT to be trapped by feelings that torture them every hour of every day for the rest of their lives.
There is one other thing just as painful as having these feelings about your partner: Knowing that your feelings are the wrong ones, knowing that it's irrational, and yet you cannot help it one tiny bit. You're not only tortured about your parter, you're also tortured about your own guilt about it.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (31 March 2008):
 You are relaying two problems here ; one her sexual history and two the issues with you having to wear a condom.
I think the first issue is the one that is really serious though as we see this a lot on this site. Unfortunately for you you are suffering from the all too common male proprietorial syndrome we see here. Its where guys seem to think they need a woman to be if not pure then as close to it as possible. Until you get over the notion that your girlfriends past is her past and its your tough luck she managed to get laid more than you, I dont think you have much of a future - As this will weigh on your mind to the extent that you will drive her into the arms of someone else - which will make you number 31 on her list.
So unless you can buck up your ideas ( I don't hold much hope to tell you the honest truth ) and realise that you should revel in your girlfriends experience ( afterall you get all the benefits now ) not critize her for it. My partner had many sexual partners before me, and moreover, her partner before me was very well endowed. But I dont give a hoot as she is the best lover I have ever had and I count my lucky stars that she chose me. Of course I could just whinge and moan about how many lovers she's had and how her last boyfriend's penis was much bigger than mine, but then I would be wallowing in self pity and I dont do that.
So good luck but if you cant deal with her history let her meet someone else who won't care - there are plenty of guys who won't give a hoot about being number 32.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): Right, I'll answer this one issue of other guys.
I've slept with 4 guys. Two were long term relationships, two were short term things. The short term things were the ones i can't even remember. I remember the guys i was in a relationship with, not just the sex, but who they were, what they did etc. Because in a way, a long term relationship is more intimidating i think in lots of ways. If ive had a long term relationship with a guy its also more likely that they loved me, and made me feel loved and secure and wanted during sex and that's the biggest turn on, the intimacy. I didn't have that with the other two, which is probably why it was forgetable. To be honest, i'd be surprised if she remembers the 30. I have a friend who slept with 40 guys. she cant even remember any of those except the ones she was in a long term thing with, so please don't worry that youll be compared. When i'm in bed with my partner i think about them, not anybody else ive slept with. Make her feel loved and secure and desired and she'll remember her experience with you. don't give up on her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): Well I've heard that they're are many birth control pills that sre made specifically to make sure you don't get pregnant and do NOT have mood swings. Has she tried diffrent pills ? as for her past . What's done is done . Now she is with you and that's all that matters right ?many people have issues with people's past but it's not like they can go back and change it now . so just go on with it now. that's all the advice I have for you . I hope it helped in some way . *~VG~*
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