A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a real problem with the fact my partner objectifies women, I know most men look at other women and because men have more to look at on a woman's body, a woman's body can be more aesthetically appealing, I get that and I get that men are men at the end of the day etc. I just cannot reconcile this in my mind and now I know how he gets when he is by himself, images flash in his mind and he cant stop thinking about women's bodies, its like he is obsessed! Maybe its normal and I am the one with the problem, I do notice him noticing women out and about, he doesn't make it obvious but I know he looks. And if men are wired this way and still can be faithful then that is quite remarkable. I completely trust my partner and he is loyal and a loving and caring partner. I just cannot deal with it very well as I am not like this myself, I do not notice other men, am not interested in their bodies, am a little different I guess but I have certainly never felt horny or lustful looking at other men or thinking about their bodies that to me is so foreign!! So to try and understand this and the way he is is so hard.I sometimes wonder whether I should be in a relationship at all as most men I presume are like this and I feel a bit sick just thinking about it. What do others think? I know that him looking at others is not a threat, I get that but I still cannot get my head around it at all! And what is even more messed up is I actually start to think of him thinking of others and looking at pictures etc and think of him getting himself off which actually turns me on! Help I am going a little crazy at the moment!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2014): Another surprising fact - women look more critically and evaluate other women's individual parts more than men do.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2014): What's not being mentioned here is the fact - and it is hard fact - that there's a bigger scheme to things and a bigger reason why men look at women and objectify them. It's because, ever since the 1970's in particular, advertising has relentlessly targeted women in order to make massive profits out of selling them stuff. They do this by projecting many, many variations of what is known as "The Male Gaze" onto images of women. This has gone on for so very long now that men's natural fascination with women has been conditioned:a. men have been conditioned into more actively looking at women, to see how she compares with the endless advertisements that they see of womenb. men have been conditioned into believing that certain kinds of images represent a sexually attractive women - very broadly speaking this will be images of women in which flesh is highly visible - but there are literally thousands of different ways in which advertisers suggest sexual availability - it's an incredibly complex and subtle manipulation.The whole point of this is to effectively "brainwash" women into believing that they have to look like these images in order to be attractive - advertising plays on women's insecurities so that they constantly feel they have to buy stuff - from soap and shampoo through to clothes and cosmetic surgery. It has gotten to the stage where women effectively 'wear' their bodies these days, because the body is so exposed it has become something to show off rather than be something private and to be loved just for what it is.What's happening now is that gay culture has steadily encouraged an interest in male grooming and this is steadily being spread, by advertisers, into straight male culture. Increasingly, you will see adverts with highly groomed men promoting new products like moisturiser for men's faces, but it will be worded in ways to make them feel more manly. What will happen is that the kinds of products will steadily increase over the years and men will be targetted more and more to buy them. Advertising works by suggesting that you need these products because, if you don't have them, you are inadequate. As far as men are concerned, advertisers are playing a clever game of appealing to men's 'manly' qualities like strength, power and so on, but also implanting the idea that, to have these qualities, they must buy the products.When you feel unsettled by what your boyfriend does, your natural sensitivity is touching upon this enormous phenomenon and its effects. It's not only the fact that it's your boyfriend doing the looking that upsets you. This is actually what advertising does, it is absolutely the way that it works. It makes women, in particular, feel insecure about what their boyfriend is thinking about other women and the idea is that you go and buy more stuff to try to solve the problem and get rid of your insecurities. Advertising very, very subtly causes all different kinds of relationship problems in couples. And it causes competitiveness between women like you who don't quite understand how they are being affected by it and only perceive it as a problem in their own minds - this is what advertising wants - for YOU to think that it is your problem. It is causing our children to become increasingly aware of their looks and for young girls, especially, to compete with one another in terms of what they look like.As well as this, the porn industry has played a massive role in driving home certain ideas of what women should look like - porn is effectively another form of advertising. What gets advertised is an idea of sex and attractiveness. You pay, and you become conditioned by it.All the other posters who have responded have missed the point of this - you have internalised a problem and they are doing even more to make you feel like it IS your problem. THis is EXACTLY what advertising wants. It is exactly how advertisers have disempowered women. If women today were NOT going around, like you are, feeling massively confused and disempowered and wary of one another in case their male partner prefers them, women would have enormous power and time and MONEY to be doing other things, to be establishing different values in society.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (7 May 2014):
He objectifies women and you get turned on from him pleasing himself....you sound perfect for each other actually. I think it would help if you talked more about it with him and be sincere about it. I am sure he will be taken aback but I don't think ignoring it will make it go away. You might be obsessed with him imagining that he is thinking of other women, which in turn might be a fetish for you. Whatever it is, it doesn't have to be a bad thing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2014): OP you do look at other men, you're not blind are you? Just because it doesn't make you lustful or horny doesn't mean you won't see an impressively handsome man and be able to say to yourself "there's a handsome man" or "he has a charming smile".
What makes you think just because he's a man he has to be getting aroused by looking at them?
You have a pretty low opinion of men and him, and are a tad sexist if you think we're just walking penises salivating at every woman we see.
I get zero arousal from looking at women when I'm out with my wife, I have zero emotional thoughts about them at all but I do see them and sometimes they catch my eye. I will point out beautiful people to my wife so she can enjoy the view too. Men and women can be beautiful, or have nice physiques, or have captivating eyes or they're wearing a really badly fitting pair of jeans or they've toilet paper hanging out the back of them or they have a big wart on their toe visible through their shoes, or that's a really nice t-shirt and wonder where he got it, or that top would look great on my wife, or her arse is disproportionately huge as compared to the rest of the her body etc.
The only woman I want to have sex with is my wife, she's the only woman who interests me, the only woman I lust after and you're seriously here telling us your guy is the only guy you've ever had lustful thoughts about or found attractive? or that suddenly you just can no longer see if people are handsome or hot anymore at all?
Yeah, right.
OP if he's staring at women in front of you, then by all means talk to him about it, if he's not being subtle about it then say it. But if he's only catching glances and is not being overt then it's more likely how you're viewing that, that's the problem.
What makes you think he gets horny looking at people in public?
You probably shouldn't be in a relationship, OP, not even with a woman because even women don't just become blind and not notice other people, or smile at waiters or suddenly realize that man/woman/child has an amazing pair of eyes that are fascinating.
You know your last line is pretty telling, OP. You're just projecting a fetish onto him, one which really makes you uncomfortable for some reason.
OP this conflict you have between needing to be the only woman he ever sees and the idea of him wanking to pictures of women being hot to you, is something you need to resolve.
This is your internal conflict, OP. You just can't get over the idea of him doing that being so hot to you that you just assume that's what he's doing.
Just indulge that as a fantasy during your own masturbation and understand that just because he's a man does not mean looking at other women makes him lust them. You'll notice a woman is beautiful and wearing really nice clothes when she walks past, you'll catch a glance at her and wonder things about her or her clothes, does that make you lustful? Then what makes you think he's not just doing that?
My guess is because deep down it makes you horny as hell and deep down you want that to be true. But then your head has you convinced that's a horrible thing.
So just realize you need to separate fantasy from reality. The reality is men can look at other women and even appreciate that they're attractive without actually being attracted to them or lust after them. If that fantasy gets you hot, then whip out your vibrator and have fun with it. Or you could maybe even find a picture of a nondescript woman with a mask on and ask him to masturbate to her picture while you also get yourself off.
I know some people are okay with it as long they can't see the face because the eyes are where the emotion is etc.
Stop letting a sexual fetish and some frankly idiotic misconceptions about the make gender make you think the worst here.
Explore it within yourself and find ways to turn it into a positive fetish because frankly, OP, the reality of why he's looking at those other women really is as mundane as wondering what made her think that dress looks good on her, or she has a weird walk.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2014): Are you against objectifying women because of the disrespectful treatment women receive from it? Or, are you against it because you don't want your partner thinking of other women and looking at their bodies? People always say that men are visual creatures, that they are biologically wired to look at attractive women. They supposedly can't help it. Some have used the theory of evolution as a way to rationalize why some men can't seem to keep their eyes to themselves. I don't know what the real reason(s) is...Personally, I think part of it is biological and the other is seeing women as objects meant for getting off - which is one reason why some men dehumanize women to only their sexual organs. I think we can agree that adults should have self control. If your partner is ogling at other women like a kid at a candy store, then tell him to practice some decorum. You can't stop him from looking, but you can express your discontent and reveal to him just how disrespectful he is when he's eying other women. How would he like it if you gawked at other men? Next time you catch him in the act, speak up, but don't get visibly angry and lash out. Gauge his reaction and proceed from there.
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A
male
reader, Patrickthesyrup +, writes (6 May 2014):
Most men do. Especially the assholes. Try dating a nice guy that seems that he wants things that are more important than sex. I never had a girlfriend because I'm a nice guy and most girls want jerks who are in it for the sex. It's what you need to sacrafice to get what you want. Good looking guys aren't always nice if that's what you want. Good Luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2014): You say he is "objectifying" women but all I really hear you mentioning is that he notices attractive women. Is there more to this? Does he make inappropriate comments or say things to suggest he is anything other than a normal man? Is he disrespectful to you by saying things or comparing you to other women? If not, then you just need to understand the way men think better.I have a wonderful girlfriend who is the object of all of my sexual desires but it would be impossible for me to not notice an attractive woman. Does that mean I am objectifying another woman? Absolutely not, and when I see an attractive woman it usually leads to me thinking about my girlfriend because I find her attractive. The last part of your question is interesting though. Does he like pornography or are you just making an assumption about him masturbating with visual stimulation? I think it just goes to illustrate the difference between men and women inasmuch as men tend to be aroused by visualizing something they find attractive while women tend to fantasize about things they find arousing. At least that's how I've always understood it.
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